Wearing tampons as shoes will not win you Oprah's love. Not even close.

James and I own a teeny tiny restaurant in a really, really old building. The plumbing is stupid, as most plumbing in old buildings is. I don't want to get into too many details, but about an hour after I got to work tonight I smelled like a sewer, I was covered in black sludge, my lips were blue and I had bar towels taped around my feet. I went in the bathroom and scrubbed some of the black sludge off of me, and doused myself in diffuser oil to cover the smell. As I walked out, one of our customers stopped me...
"What's going on with your feet?"

"Oh...see it's this thing wi-"
"Whatever. You look like you have tampons on your feet."
And she walked away.
I looked down...

...and I looked like I had giant tampons on my feet.

And I smelled like cinnamon apple crap.

I think this is why Oprah has never called me.

She's scared of the stupid that follows me everywhere I go.


13 comments:

Aggy January 25, 2011 at 2:50 AM  

I cannot even begin to tell you how hard I laughed when Oprah popped back in frame with the evil eyes after you disparaged her.

Ha-larious!!!

Kitty January 25, 2011 at 3:23 AM  

I'm weeping... so damn funny. The expressions on Oprah's faces--HILARIOUS.

But seriously, what's going on with your hair?

Rachel January 25, 2011 at 5:50 AM  

I just laughed so hard I peed my pants. Luckily, I had huge tampons on my feet, so it wasn't much of a mess.

w January 25, 2011 at 8:17 AM  

tampons are nothing new in my birth country. read: foot binding.

this is how come my feet are perfectly petite and ovalish in shape.

also. the strings are usually tied around the tampons so as to not cause the person wearing them to trip.

word.

Rebecca Grace January 25, 2011 at 8:38 AM  

You are so talented -- not only a terrific comic writer, but you do cartoons, too?! It could have been worse. You could have spilled spaghetti sauce or ketchup all over your giant tampon feet. I'm just sayin' -- look on the bright side! :-)

Pogue January 25, 2011 at 9:43 AM  

Dude, I'm so sick of everyone being like, "Oh, you're so funny this was really great."

But, seriously, it really was very, very good, and extrememly funny. Good series of posts.

Also, Rustie already says "dang" a lot,, and I've really taken to it, too, so please back off. Dang is taken. Got it?

Insanitykim January 26, 2011 at 1:11 PM  

I'm so glad you're my friend.

You're my friend, right?

...

Even if you're not, this was awesome.

Be my friend.

Be.it.

Weird Enough January 26, 2011 at 6:30 PM  

OMG. Oprah can read your mind? I'm not surprised. There is something totally creepy about her. Now it all makes sense.

PS: You are hilarious.

Jessica January 27, 2011 at 12:05 PM  

That is the scariest looking Oprah I think I've ever seen.

I mean....the 'do...WOW. Just...WOW.

And, I am totally on your side, by the way. We Jessica's have to stick together.

Captain Dumbass January 27, 2011 at 12:14 PM  

It's all funny until Oprah's secret police show up and throw you in the back of a van.

Elly Lou January 28, 2011 at 7:49 AM  

Oprah's hair has never looked better. And at least they didn't look like used tampons? Silver lining? Yeah, me either.

sherikayehoff July 8, 2013 at 7:23 PM  

lol- I can relate to the biz story- my husband has own his biz for 30 years and I have been in Biz for 6- crazy stuff does happen- so it is awesome to have a sense of humor:)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

About This Blog

Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

  © blog templates 3 column by blog templates 2008

Back to TOP