How to Be a Famous Musician

How To Be A Famous Musician

by Jessica Benassi

Professional Expert on Songs That Sound Good and How To Sing Them Like People Who Can Sing Like Professional Singers.

One of the nice things about being self employed and being your own boss of yourself is that while you're at work you can listen to the same song over and over, all day long.  Sometimes, if there are customers around, they might be all, "hey - do you think we could listen to something else?" and you can say no because you're the boss and you can do whatever you want. And you can start the song over and turn it up really loud and be all,  "in your face, stupid customer!" and bang on the counter really loud and make a scary face. Customers like stuff like that and will probably even go to Yelp and give your business a good review.

Also, if you listen to the same song for long enough, it becomes a part of you and you can tell people that you wrote it and play it in public for money. Eventually you can probably sell it to some big company like Pepsi or something and make a million dollars, and also probably get free pop for life.


Me: My friend David and I are starting a Tegan and Sara cover band.
James: I don't know what that means.
Me: It means awesome is what it means.
James: What's Tegan and Sara?
Me: Awesome.
James: You know you're really bad at explaining stuff, right?
Me: You're just jealous.
James: You can't even sing.
Me: Totes jelly.
James: What does that even mean?
Me: Jelly McJealouserson.
James: Ok. Have fun with your cover band.
Me: Degan and Jarah.
James: I thought it was Tegan and Sara?
Me: Yeah, but we're David and Jessica and we're covering Tegan and Sara.  Degan and Jarah.  Get it? It's so awesome.
James: Ok.  But seriously - you're both terrible singers.

Me: I have to go - David and I are going wig shopping.
James: If you blog about this, please don't put me in a Real Housewives wig.
Me: Right.
James: I'm not kidding.
Me: Seriously - I have to go.  We need new outfits and I have to learn how to play piano.

I feel pretty confident that after a few more weeks of video practice, we'll be ready to be famous. I'm getting really good at far away and David is a natural at close. It's like we were born to do this.

PS ~ If you see this video and you're all "WHOA! It's Degan and Jarah!" I would totally understand, except it's not us.  It's Tegan and Sara. But I agree - the resemblance is uncanny. It's like...creepy, almost.

PPS ~ Check out the most awesome ad ever:

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What to Expect When Your Friends are Expecting

What to Expect When Your Friends are Expecting

by Jessica Benassi

Professional Expert on Being Friends with Pregnant People

When your friends get pregnant, they're going to be very fragile and they should be treated like stuff that gets broken easily. Pregnant women are also usually not thinking clearly, so they're going to think that they can do regular people type stuff, but that's simply not true. 

Pregnant people can NOT do regular people type stuff.  They're pregnant.

Anyway, the moral to the story is: pregnant people are fragile, but they don't realize they're fragile because of all the extra pregnant people hormones, so they think that they can do regular people stuff, and it's your duty to stop them and keep them safe from harm.  Also, don't let them go to the movies because their water will probably break and everyone will fall down.  Also, don't let them drive cars, walk on the outside of the sidewalk, open doors or carry their own purse.  If you have someplace near you that rents tanks, you should probably look into that.

I don't like to brag, but my friend just had the best baby ever and it's almost entirely due to these protective measures that I implemented.

Also, once the baby is here, don't let me hold it.  Babies freak me out. I don't want to break your baby. 

I also don't want your baby to eat me.

P.S.  I'm 100% self employed now and I'm so scared about it that all I do is walk around peeing my pants. You can stop me from peeing my pants all of the time by liking me on facebook and also going to my online store and buying a gazillion things and also tell all of your friends and family.  I mean, tell them about the store.  Don't tell them I pee my pants. Some people are weird about that.

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Facebook is my crazy Aunt Becky

Me, posting status updates for our bar on facebook:


Me: Post.
Facebook: Ok.
Me: Thanks, I'm leaving this page now.
Facebook: Are you sure you want to leave? You haven't finished your post...
Me: No, I finished it.  I just posted it.
Facebook: No. No you didn't.
Me: But I thought...huh.  Ok. Post.
Facebook: This status update is identical to the one you just posted.
Me: But you said...
Facebook: It's identical.
Me: You just said-
Facebook: It's the same post you just posted.
Me: Fine.  Then I'll just leave.
Facebook: Are you sure you want to leave? You haven't finished your post...
Me: I DID TOO!!!!

Facebook: No. No you didn't.
Me: I. Am. Leaving.
Facebook: Ok, but you're going to lose any changes you made...Are you sure you want to leave without finishing?
Me: I'M FINISHED!!!!!! I AM DONE!!!!
Facebook: Ok.  I was just trying to help.
Me: Screw you facebook. You and all of your smug facebook... facebookness. Screw you.
Facebook: You seem tense.  Would you like to play Farmville?
Me: I hate you.
Facebook: Ok. I'll meet you back here in 10 minutes?
Me: Right.

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How to Quit Your Job

How to Quit Your Job with Class, Elegance and Style

by Jessica Benassi

Professional Job Quitter

 

 1. Train your replacement

Me: Soooooo, welcome to the office...

New Girl: Yeah! I'm really excited to be here and I think-

Me: Man, it must suck so bad to be you right now.

New Girl: Huh?

Me: What?

New Girl: You just said -

Me: No, I didn't. Anyway, I keep the supersized bottle of aspirin over here, there's a switchblade in this drawer and oh! Don't worry, the non emergency police number is already programmed into the phone...you only want to call 911 if there's a gang fight or something, and it's been a while since we had one of those...
New Girl: Aren't we wedding planners?
Me: Right. You're probably also going to want to find someone who can get you valium...

 

(FACT: If you're unfortunate enough to find yourself in the middle of a gang fight, it

actually doesn't look like this. Not even the tiniest bit.)

 

 

 

2. Finish your final shift, and arrange to have a celebratory drink afterwards with some of the staff.

 

 

Me: See ya later, losers, I'm SO outta here! Oh, hey...come get a drink with me at Blue when you guys are done?

Co-worker: Sure, that sounds like-

Me: Whatever. SO outta here...

Co-worker: Ok, well-

Me: In your FACE.

Co-worker: Ok, Jessic-

Me: FACE!

Co-worker: Right, so we'll see you later, then.

Me: Maybe you'll see my FACE later.
Co-worker: -
Me: FACE.

Co-worker: *sigh*

Me: I'm out.

 

 

 3. Start having celebratory drinks before anyone else shows up. When they do show up, they will bring you a "Best Boss Ever" trophy that they welded into a unicorn because they know you love unicorns. Be so drunk you don't realize that it's a unicorn. Cry anyway, because it's the thought that counts and also, you're drunk.

 

 

 

 

4. Parade your "Best Boss Ever" trophy all over your bar.  Run into your lawyer and his wife. They compliment you on your trophy and it's unicorn-ness.  Realize that your trophy is a unicorn. Freak out.

 

Me: HOLY SH*TBALLS, YOU GUYS! THIS IS A MOTHER FREAKING UNICORN TROPHY!!!

Co-workers: Right.

Me: James! Did you see this thing? It's a Gawd D*** unicorn!

James: Right.

Me: A unicorn.  Holy sh*t.

 

 

 5. Have more celebratory drinks and re-tell the story of discovering your unicorn trophy to anyone who will listen.  Embellish. Get progressively more and more vulgar. Punch people in the arm for emphasis.

 

Me: And then I wush all: "Holy bacon wrapped mother of god, thish peesh of ballsh to the wall ish an a**holin' UNICORN!" You know what I mean?

Co-worker: Ouch.

Me: Ouch your faesh.

Co-worker: Quit punching me.

Me: I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!

 

 

 6. Go home and pass out. With class, elegance, and style.

 

 

 

And dignity.

 

 

 

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Because bad drawings take a long time to draw...

...but responding to junk e-mail only takes 5 minutes.

So....

Thursday, July 05, 2012 1:01 PMEdge Research [replies@edgeresearchsurveys.com]

To:
Jessica Benassi
You replied on 7/5/2012 5:56 PM.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Dear Jessica Biel,

We would greatly appreciate your help!

If you can assist us by completing our survey on foodservice operations we will provide you with a free copy of the report detailing the survey results once we complete the compilation and analysis of the data.

The survey results will reflect many important aspects of the foodservice industry across the U.S., and the report will be useful to you in managing your foodservice operations.

The report will be available for a cost to those not included in the survey, but as a thank you for your time, we will send it to you free of charge. In addition, those who complete the survey will get a $10 Amazon gift card via email as a 'Thank You'.

Our questions will not take long for you to answer, and we believe you will find them interesting. Your opinions and answers will help your vendors offer the types of foods you need to enhance the appeal of your menu, and to optimize your traffic and revenues.

All of your answers to our questions will be treated as absolutely confidential and anonymous. Your specific foodservice operation will never be associated with any specific responses.

Attached the survey link below:

http://dimensions.edgeresearch.com/e.asp?p=ST1201&S=C&id=8001267

A Sincere thanks for your help!

Miranda Smith
Edge Research

_____________________________________________

Thursday, July 05, 2012 5:56 PM

Jessica Benassi

To:

Edge Research ‎[replies@edgeresearchsurveys.com]‎

Hi Miranda,

 Jessica Biel is a famous Hollywood actress. She's also engaged to Justin Timberlake, a famous Hollywood actor and former pop singing sensation.

 Actually, he might still be a pop singing sensation - I'm not sure.

 Anyway, I tried to forward this e-mail to Jessica Biel, but as it happens, her e-mail address is really difficult to get a hold of.

 I'd like to think that you confused me with Jessica Biel because we look so much alike, but I don't think that's the case. Everyone tells me I look like "Blossom" from that 80's show..."Blossom." "Blossom" doesn't look like Jessica Biel, she looks like a young Bette Midler, which is probably why they cast her as a young Bette Midler in "Beaches."

Blossom

Jessica Biel

Jessica Benassi

Also, "Beaches" makes me cry every time... without fail. It's like - I know whatsherface is going to die, but every time it's just a punch in the face. Like King Kong. You know the part in King Kong, where he's all on top of the building, and he loves the girl, and the planes are shooting him, and he's so confused, and his eyes are all big and brown and sad and confused just like your dog's when you tell him he can't have another treat, and then all of the sudden Kong is dead and you're on the floor of the movie theatre beating the ground with your fists and screaming at your husband , "WHY DID THEY DO THAT TO HIM?????" and everybody's kind of backing away and stepping around you and freaked out looking and your husband tries to pull you up from the floor, but there's gum stuck to your knees and you can't see because your eyes are full of mascara tears and there's snot all over the place because you just can't stop sobbing and who wants to live in a world that kills a monkey just for loving a girl???

WTF.

No wonder they make so much money in Hollywood - they're super manipulative with people's fragile emotions.


 ...What were we talking about?

 OH! Right. Anyway, I can't fill out your survey because I'm scared of clicking on links in unsolicited mass e-mails, but I'd still like to have the $10 Amazon gift card as a thank you for responding to your e-mail and letting you know that I'm not actually Jessica Biel. Also, here's a fan site for Jessica Biel - just in case you were interested: http://www.fanpop.com/spots/jessica-biel.

 Sincerely,

Jessica Benassi, not Biel

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