How to Be a Famous Musician

How To Be A Famous Musician

by Jessica Benassi

Professional Expert on Songs That Sound Good and How To Sing Them Like People Who Can Sing Like Professional Singers.

One of the nice things about being self employed and being your own boss of yourself is that while you're at work you can listen to the same song over and over, all day long.  Sometimes, if there are customers around, they might be all, "hey - do you think we could listen to something else?" and you can say no because you're the boss and you can do whatever you want. And you can start the song over and turn it up really loud and be all,  "in your face, stupid customer!" and bang on the counter really loud and make a scary face. Customers like stuff like that and will probably even go to Yelp and give your business a good review.

Also, if you listen to the same song for long enough, it becomes a part of you and you can tell people that you wrote it and play it in public for money. Eventually you can probably sell it to some big company like Pepsi or something and make a million dollars, and also probably get free pop for life.


Me: My friend David and I are starting a Tegan and Sara cover band.
James: I don't know what that means.
Me: It means awesome is what it means.
James: What's Tegan and Sara?
Me: Awesome.
James: You know you're really bad at explaining stuff, right?
Me: You're just jealous.
James: You can't even sing.
Me: Totes jelly.
James: What does that even mean?
Me: Jelly McJealouserson.
James: Ok. Have fun with your cover band.
Me: Degan and Jarah.
James: I thought it was Tegan and Sara?
Me: Yeah, but we're David and Jessica and we're covering Tegan and Sara.  Degan and Jarah.  Get it? It's so awesome.
James: Ok.  But seriously - you're both terrible singers.

Me: I have to go - David and I are going wig shopping.
James: If you blog about this, please don't put me in a Real Housewives wig.
Me: Right.
James: I'm not kidding.
Me: Seriously - I have to go.  We need new outfits and I have to learn how to play piano.

I feel pretty confident that after a few more weeks of video practice, we'll be ready to be famous. I'm getting really good at far away and David is a natural at close. It's like we were born to do this.

PS ~ If you see this video and you're all "WHOA! It's Degan and Jarah!" I would totally understand, except it's not us.  It's Tegan and Sara. But I agree - the resemblance is uncanny. It's like...creepy, almost.

PPS ~ Check out the most awesome ad ever:

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What to Expect When Your Friends are Expecting

What to Expect When Your Friends are Expecting

by Jessica Benassi

Professional Expert on Being Friends with Pregnant People

When your friends get pregnant, they're going to be very fragile and they should be treated like stuff that gets broken easily. Pregnant women are also usually not thinking clearly, so they're going to think that they can do regular people type stuff, but that's simply not true. 

Pregnant people can NOT do regular people type stuff.  They're pregnant.

Anyway, the moral to the story is: pregnant people are fragile, but they don't realize they're fragile because of all the extra pregnant people hormones, so they think that they can do regular people stuff, and it's your duty to stop them and keep them safe from harm.  Also, don't let them go to the movies because their water will probably break and everyone will fall down.  Also, don't let them drive cars, walk on the outside of the sidewalk, open doors or carry their own purse.  If you have someplace near you that rents tanks, you should probably look into that.

I don't like to brag, but my friend just had the best baby ever and it's almost entirely due to these protective measures that I implemented.

Also, once the baby is here, don't let me hold it.  Babies freak me out. I don't want to break your baby. 

I also don't want your baby to eat me.

P.S.  I'm 100% self employed now and I'm so scared about it that all I do is walk around peeing my pants. You can stop me from peeing my pants all of the time by liking me on facebook and also going to my online store and buying a gazillion things and also tell all of your friends and family.  I mean, tell them about the store.  Don't tell them I pee my pants. Some people are weird about that.

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Facebook is my crazy Aunt Becky

Me, posting status updates for our bar on facebook:


Me: Post.
Facebook: Ok.
Me: Thanks, I'm leaving this page now.
Facebook: Are you sure you want to leave? You haven't finished your post...
Me: No, I finished it.  I just posted it.
Facebook: No. No you didn't.
Me: But I thought...huh.  Ok. Post.
Facebook: This status update is identical to the one you just posted.
Me: But you said...
Facebook: It's identical.
Me: You just said-
Facebook: It's the same post you just posted.
Me: Fine.  Then I'll just leave.
Facebook: Are you sure you want to leave? You haven't finished your post...
Me: I DID TOO!!!!

Facebook: No. No you didn't.
Me: I. Am. Leaving.
Facebook: Ok, but you're going to lose any changes you made...Are you sure you want to leave without finishing?
Me: I'M FINISHED!!!!!! I AM DONE!!!!
Facebook: Ok.  I was just trying to help.
Me: Screw you facebook. You and all of your smug facebook... facebookness. Screw you.
Facebook: You seem tense.  Would you like to play Farmville?
Me: I hate you.
Facebook: Ok. I'll meet you back here in 10 minutes?
Me: Right.

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How to Quit Your Job

How to Quit Your Job with Class, Elegance and Style

by Jessica Benassi

Professional Job Quitter

 

 1. Train your replacement

Me: Soooooo, welcome to the office...

New Girl: Yeah! I'm really excited to be here and I think-

Me: Man, it must suck so bad to be you right now.

New Girl: Huh?

Me: What?

New Girl: You just said -

Me: No, I didn't. Anyway, I keep the supersized bottle of aspirin over here, there's a switchblade in this drawer and oh! Don't worry, the non emergency police number is already programmed into the phone...you only want to call 911 if there's a gang fight or something, and it's been a while since we had one of those...
New Girl: Aren't we wedding planners?
Me: Right. You're probably also going to want to find someone who can get you valium...

 

(FACT: If you're unfortunate enough to find yourself in the middle of a gang fight, it

actually doesn't look like this. Not even the tiniest bit.)

 

 

 

2. Finish your final shift, and arrange to have a celebratory drink afterwards with some of the staff.

 

 

Me: See ya later, losers, I'm SO outta here! Oh, hey...come get a drink with me at Blue when you guys are done?

Co-worker: Sure, that sounds like-

Me: Whatever. SO outta here...

Co-worker: Ok, well-

Me: In your FACE.

Co-worker: Ok, Jessic-

Me: FACE!

Co-worker: Right, so we'll see you later, then.

Me: Maybe you'll see my FACE later.
Co-worker: -
Me: FACE.

Co-worker: *sigh*

Me: I'm out.

 

 

 3. Start having celebratory drinks before anyone else shows up. When they do show up, they will bring you a "Best Boss Ever" trophy that they welded into a unicorn because they know you love unicorns. Be so drunk you don't realize that it's a unicorn. Cry anyway, because it's the thought that counts and also, you're drunk.

 

 

 

 

4. Parade your "Best Boss Ever" trophy all over your bar.  Run into your lawyer and his wife. They compliment you on your trophy and it's unicorn-ness.  Realize that your trophy is a unicorn. Freak out.

 

Me: HOLY SH*TBALLS, YOU GUYS! THIS IS A MOTHER FREAKING UNICORN TROPHY!!!

Co-workers: Right.

Me: James! Did you see this thing? It's a Gawd D*** unicorn!

James: Right.

Me: A unicorn.  Holy sh*t.

 

 

 5. Have more celebratory drinks and re-tell the story of discovering your unicorn trophy to anyone who will listen.  Embellish. Get progressively more and more vulgar. Punch people in the arm for emphasis.

 

Me: And then I wush all: "Holy bacon wrapped mother of god, thish peesh of ballsh to the wall ish an a**holin' UNICORN!" You know what I mean?

Co-worker: Ouch.

Me: Ouch your faesh.

Co-worker: Quit punching me.

Me: I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!

 

 

 6. Go home and pass out. With class, elegance, and style.

 

 

 

And dignity.

 

 

 

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Learning from your mistakes: More super excellent life coaching from a really awesome life coach.

Learn from your Mistakes 

Life coaching advice from self proclaimed life coach and expert on life coaching, 

Jessica Benassi 

 One of the things that you should do when you make mistakes, is learn from them. When you learn from your mistakes, you don't make the same mistake twice, because you learned a valuable lesson, and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Also, mistakes happen and nobody's perfect, so you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch.

 Anyway, 2012 has been chock full of lessons for me and I thought I would share some of those lessons with you, so that you can use them to your advantage and become a better person...

 First: Fiverr is this really cool site where a bunch of people will do just about anything for $5.00. Dancing, singing, pretending to be Arnold Schwarzenegger...whatever. There are also a bunch of people who can somehow magically convince all of their facebook friends to like you, for the low low price of $5. I'm a sucker, so I paid the 5 bucks and within 24 hours all of these people had liked my Hey Lola facebook page. It was AMAZING! Then I realized every single new "fan" was a half naked girl named Myrtle, with giant boobs spilling out all over the place, and making her best duckface for her iphone camera.

  DANGIT!

  My likes weren't from real people. That was one of those, "wow.  sometimes i do stuff that's really stupid." moments. Thankfully I only have those once or twice a day, or I'd probably have been run over by a car by now. Or a zebra. Also, I wouldn't ever have any money.

 Oh, also, my fiverr guy asked me to change my feedback because I was honest and then we internet argued  and then he was all: "i only can refound you...u cant find on fiverr or any where else real likes bro especialy for 5$."

 He called me bro and he wants to refound me. I kind of feel like the appropriate response is to exact some really unique comic book style revenge on him. I'm open to suggestions.

 I've got more stuff to say, but here's a picture to look at first so you don't get too bored and leave before I'm finished:

It's my dog, Nugget. He weighs about 10 pounds, and he also likes to exact comic book style revenge on people and dogs who do him wrong...and sometimes on my husband, who is behind the camera and Nugget is trying to kill. 

 Second: A humidifier will keep you from getting sick in the dry winter months. It will also make you look like an idiot when you're at the cell phone store yelling at the clerk about their stupid fancy phones that randomly catch on fire in the middle of the night, and the clerk opens your phone up and it's full of water from your humidifier because you just don't think that far ahead, do you?

 Third: Cell phone insurance doesn't cover stupid.

 Fourth: The expense of a new fancy phone doesn't sting quite as bad when your car blows up two days later. Buying a new car unexpectedly hurts way more than buying a new phone unexpectedly. Next time you have to replace something expensive, break something more expensive immediately after, and it will make you practically forget about that first expensive thing that you broke.

Here's Nugget again. It's his first day of school. He's an excellent learner. (see how I tied this picture into this blog post?  It's because one time I learned a lesson about matching stuff with other stuff)

Anyway, the moral of the story is, if you have $5.00, you should buy 5 lottery tickets, because eventually all of your stuff is going to break and no amount of big breasted facebook fans named Myrtle is going to save you from the sea of debt that accumulates when all of your fancy stuff gets broken.  

You know what you need to do, bro.




P.S.  I'm trying to replace all of my broken stuff.  If you're feeling charitable, I have this store where I sell stuff that's not broken.  Some of it even sparkles.  Also, check out this present I got for you:

I know.  There are no words.

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An open letter to Oprah Winfrey...

Dear Oprah Winfrey,

One time I was checking the news, and all of the news outlets said that Candy Spelling (Candi? Candi with a heart over the "i"? Candee?)  was mad at Tori Spelling, so Candy Spelling wrote an open letter to a bunch of celebrities that she didn't even know, and all of the news outlets were all, "HOLY COW!  This is some serious news!" so they all reported it, and then all of the celebrities found out who Candy Spelling was, and Tori Spelling grabbed her pug and everybody went to Applebees and had margaritas.

You're probably wondering what this has to do with you, and for a minute I was too, but then I remembered what my point was and my point is this:  First - open letters to and/or by celebrities move mountains.

Next -you're doing this whole Next Chapter thing, and so am I kinda sorta, and I think this is a perfect time for us to sit down on your couch and share this exciting time in our lives. While you might not think that we have a lot in common, I'd like it to be known that A.) like Tori Spelling, I have a pug, B.) like most celebrities, I love margaritas and C.) I've been to Applebees on more than one occasion.  So, it's pretty obvious that I would fit in really well with you and your celebrity friends.

The gang at Applebees, just being famous, hanging out with pugs, drinking margaritas.

Also, as a bonus, I've eaten everything in sight over the past few months and gained more than a few pounds.  One of my friends just told me I looked like a potato, so if you were thinking of doing one of those positive thinking weight loss shows, you probably can't go wrong with a potato like me.

I don't want to tell you how to live your life, Oprah, but remember how happy we were when we never visited the Grand Canyon together?

Food potatoes for thought...

You have my number...

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How To Be Married: Supporting Your Spouse's Goals

Part of the award winning series *

"How To Be Married,"

by Jessica Benassi,

self-proclaimed expert on marriage.

    Once upon a time, not so long ago, my husband decided to take up the art of photography. He's actually pretty good at it, but I don't like to tell him.

    Complimenting your husband creates bad habits like positive self image and good self esteem and pride and all of that nonsense that I'd rather not saddle him with or have to deal with on a regular basis. When husbands are good at stuff, it's best that THEY don't know that YOU know that they're good at stuff, because then they'll try harder to make you notice how good they are at stuff by being even BETTER at stuff and the end result is probably going to be breakfast in bed or a spotless house or a back rub or maybe a new car with a bow on it or something.

Anyway, when James got his most recent new camera gadget thingamajig, this happened:

Me: I think I got bit by a spider on my face...
James: That looks kind of gross.
Me: I know.  Also, I have a popcorn kernel stuck in my eye or something...
James: Yeah...your eye is pretty red.  It's a little swollen, too.
Me: And I spilled coffee on my shirt...
James: Yeah...you're kind of a mess.
Me: I know.  I think I need to hide in the house for a while.
James: Cool, I need to play with my new camera...hold still...

Me: I'd rather-

Me: Seriously, please don't take my pict-

 Me: No, for real, I don't want -

Me:Seriously, dude, can you please just-

Me: I'm not -

Me: STOP IT!

Me: I'm seriously going to-

Me: No, for real, I'm-

Me: Are you finished?

James: I think so.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

James: Just kidding!

Me: You're seriously the worst husband ever....

And that's why:

This is my husband when his hair is a bird and he's being chased by zombies, one of which is scary George Clooney two headed zombie and another zombie who is my dog and all of the zombies are probably going to eat his brains because he runs like a girl, except not like me because I run pretty fast.

Also, he has boobs. 

And his hair is a bird.

Because I'm an artist, too.

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How to Keep Your Promises

Me: I was talking to my friend Jerry the other day and he said -
James: Wait. Your friend Jerry?
Me: Right.  Anyway -
James: Isn't he our friend Jerry?
Me: No.  Not anymore.  He said he doesn't like you.
James: I don't believe you.
Me:  It's true.  He said that ever since you started inserting his name into every song, that he doesn't like you, and also, he thinks you suck.
James: I don't think that's true.
Me:  I think it was probably "parsley, sage roseJerry and thyme" that did it for him. I think that was the final straw.
James: I'm going to call him and ask him.
Me: Ok.  But you should also know that my friend Jerry says that I should post more blogs of you dressed up as a Real Housewife.
James: No he didn't.
Me: It's true.  He even said it on Twitter.

Me: See? Maybe you should have thought twice about the song "Jerry Pie."  No wonder he hates you.
James: I still don't believe you.
Me: That's ok.  I just wanted you to know that even though Jerry wants to destroy your life and thinks that you smell bad,  that I'm not going to dress you up in my blog as a Real Housewife.  Because I'm your wife and I love you.
James:  You promise?
Me: Of course.
James: Thank you.
Me: No problem.

And now, presenting for the first time ever:

"Pictures of My Husband Not

Dressed Up Like a Real Housewife"

by Jessica Benassi

self proclaimed expert in marriage and photoshop

This is what my husband looks like when he's wearing 2009's prom hairstyle of the year. I mostly like how his hair matches his strappy tank top. And also how he kind of looks like one of the Real Housewives.

This is what my husband looks like with a  mullet.  I mostly like that he has a mullet. Oh, and also his strappy tank top.

This is what my husband looks like when he's the star of one of the greatest movies of all time.  This picture is pretty special because first - that's a really great tank top and second - he kind of almost looks like a Real Housewife. Also, everything is all shiny behind him, and shiny is awesome.

This is what my husband looks like when he's a two headed dinosaur and one of his dinosaur heads is scary Oprah Winfrey and they're starring in one of the greatest movies ever made.

Mostly I like this picture because it's awesome.

Happy New Year!

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How To Be Married: Teamwork

Part of the award winning series *

"How To Be Married,"

by Jessica Benassi,

self-proclaimed expert on marriage.

One of the things that makes our marriage so strong, is that James and I are really sympathetic to each other's needs and when things go wrong for one of us, the other one is always there to provide a shoulder to lean on. Sometimes this is difficult, as James and I live with dogs who eat all of our food, so we're both kind of skinny and our shoulders are all boney and not really good for leaning on and actually, it's usually just painful and makes everything worse instead of better.

So first - if you really want your marriage to be successful, you should probably gain lots of weight so that your shoulders are more comfortable to lean on.  More potatoes and more cake = better spouse.

(via Foodaphilia )

This is a cake made out of potatoes.  Probably if you eat this for dinner every night, your marriage is going to be the best marriage ever because your shoulders will be so fat and comfortable.

Sometimes your spouse might think that they're being helpful and a team player, when in fact, they're just being a giant douche canoe and they should be benched or whatever it is that they do in sports when the person is a huge jerk. Take this hypothetic and not at all true example:  If your wife is deperately trying to floss a popcorn kernel out of her teeth and reaches for the mouthwash at the same time, and somehow manages to throw half of the bottle of mouthwash in her eyes, knocking her glasses off of her face and is screaming in agony as she blindly crawls around on the floor looking for her glasses, the appropriate response is NOT to stand in the corner laughing while telling her that she's "getting warmer...warmer ....ooooh, dang....nope...never mind...colder..."

That's not teamwork, mister...that's just a road to Kardashian Town, paved with lies and diamond earrings that are super glued to the cobblestone so you can't actually pick them up and when you reach the end of that road, your knees are all scabbed and gross from crawling on the ground, your fingers are nothing but bloody stumps, you don't have any diamonds and OK! Magazine just told you that you're getting divorced.

So think about that.

Keep coming back for more expert marriage advice and remember, "True love never dies.  It just turns into a zombie with festering wounds all over the place, terrorizing the neighborhood and trying to eat everyone's brains."


* Actual awards haven't been granted yet, but as I am also a self proclaimed expert on seeing the future, I can tell you that the awards are coming. For real. You'll see.




P.S.  I found this for you:

 (via smosh)

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