How to Be a Famous Musician

How To Be A Famous Musician

by Jessica Benassi

Professional Expert on Songs That Sound Good and How To Sing Them Like People Who Can Sing Like Professional Singers.

One of the nice things about being self employed and being your own boss of yourself is that while you're at work you can listen to the same song over and over, all day long.  Sometimes, if there are customers around, they might be all, "hey - do you think we could listen to something else?" and you can say no because you're the boss and you can do whatever you want. And you can start the song over and turn it up really loud and be all,  "in your face, stupid customer!" and bang on the counter really loud and make a scary face. Customers like stuff like that and will probably even go to Yelp and give your business a good review.

Also, if you listen to the same song for long enough, it becomes a part of you and you can tell people that you wrote it and play it in public for money. Eventually you can probably sell it to some big company like Pepsi or something and make a million dollars, and also probably get free pop for life.


Me: My friend David and I are starting a Tegan and Sara cover band.
James: I don't know what that means.
Me: It means awesome is what it means.
James: What's Tegan and Sara?
Me: Awesome.
James: You know you're really bad at explaining stuff, right?
Me: You're just jealous.
James: You can't even sing.
Me: Totes jelly.
James: What does that even mean?
Me: Jelly McJealouserson.
James: Ok. Have fun with your cover band.
Me: Degan and Jarah.
James: I thought it was Tegan and Sara?
Me: Yeah, but we're David and Jessica and we're covering Tegan and Sara.  Degan and Jarah.  Get it? It's so awesome.
James: Ok.  But seriously - you're both terrible singers.

Me: I have to go - David and I are going wig shopping.
James: If you blog about this, please don't put me in a Real Housewives wig.
Me: Right.
James: I'm not kidding.
Me: Seriously - I have to go.  We need new outfits and I have to learn how to play piano.

I feel pretty confident that after a few more weeks of video practice, we'll be ready to be famous. I'm getting really good at far away and David is a natural at close. It's like we were born to do this.

PS ~ If you see this video and you're all "WHOA! It's Degan and Jarah!" I would totally understand, except it's not us.  It's Tegan and Sara. But I agree - the resemblance is uncanny. It's like...creepy, almost.

PPS ~ Check out the most awesome ad ever:

Read more...

What to Expect When Your Friends are Expecting

What to Expect When Your Friends are Expecting

by Jessica Benassi

Professional Expert on Being Friends with Pregnant People

When your friends get pregnant, they're going to be very fragile and they should be treated like stuff that gets broken easily. Pregnant women are also usually not thinking clearly, so they're going to think that they can do regular people type stuff, but that's simply not true. 

Pregnant people can NOT do regular people type stuff.  They're pregnant.

Anyway, the moral to the story is: pregnant people are fragile, but they don't realize they're fragile because of all the extra pregnant people hormones, so they think that they can do regular people stuff, and it's your duty to stop them and keep them safe from harm.  Also, don't let them go to the movies because their water will probably break and everyone will fall down.  Also, don't let them drive cars, walk on the outside of the sidewalk, open doors or carry their own purse.  If you have someplace near you that rents tanks, you should probably look into that.

I don't like to brag, but my friend just had the best baby ever and it's almost entirely due to these protective measures that I implemented.

Also, once the baby is here, don't let me hold it.  Babies freak me out. I don't want to break your baby. 

I also don't want your baby to eat me.

P.S.  I'm 100% self employed now and I'm so scared about it that all I do is walk around peeing my pants. You can stop me from peeing my pants all of the time by liking me on facebook and also going to my online store and buying a gazillion things and also tell all of your friends and family.  I mean, tell them about the store.  Don't tell them I pee my pants. Some people are weird about that.

Read more...

Facebook is my crazy Aunt Becky

Me, posting status updates for our bar on facebook:


Me: Post.
Facebook: Ok.
Me: Thanks, I'm leaving this page now.
Facebook: Are you sure you want to leave? You haven't finished your post...
Me: No, I finished it.  I just posted it.
Facebook: No. No you didn't.
Me: But I thought...huh.  Ok. Post.
Facebook: This status update is identical to the one you just posted.
Me: But you said...
Facebook: It's identical.
Me: You just said-
Facebook: It's the same post you just posted.
Me: Fine.  Then I'll just leave.
Facebook: Are you sure you want to leave? You haven't finished your post...
Me: I DID TOO!!!!

Facebook: No. No you didn't.
Me: I. Am. Leaving.
Facebook: Ok, but you're going to lose any changes you made...Are you sure you want to leave without finishing?
Me: I'M FINISHED!!!!!! I AM DONE!!!!
Facebook: Ok.  I was just trying to help.
Me: Screw you facebook. You and all of your smug facebook... facebookness. Screw you.
Facebook: You seem tense.  Would you like to play Farmville?
Me: I hate you.
Facebook: Ok. I'll meet you back here in 10 minutes?
Me: Right.

Read more...

How to Quit Your Job

How to Quit Your Job with Class, Elegance and Style

by Jessica Benassi

Professional Job Quitter

 

 1. Train your replacement

Me: Soooooo, welcome to the office...

New Girl: Yeah! I'm really excited to be here and I think-

Me: Man, it must suck so bad to be you right now.

New Girl: Huh?

Me: What?

New Girl: You just said -

Me: No, I didn't. Anyway, I keep the supersized bottle of aspirin over here, there's a switchblade in this drawer and oh! Don't worry, the non emergency police number is already programmed into the phone...you only want to call 911 if there's a gang fight or something, and it's been a while since we had one of those...
New Girl: Aren't we wedding planners?
Me: Right. You're probably also going to want to find someone who can get you valium...

 

(FACT: If you're unfortunate enough to find yourself in the middle of a gang fight, it

actually doesn't look like this. Not even the tiniest bit.)

 

 

 

2. Finish your final shift, and arrange to have a celebratory drink afterwards with some of the staff.

 

 

Me: See ya later, losers, I'm SO outta here! Oh, hey...come get a drink with me at Blue when you guys are done?

Co-worker: Sure, that sounds like-

Me: Whatever. SO outta here...

Co-worker: Ok, well-

Me: In your FACE.

Co-worker: Ok, Jessic-

Me: FACE!

Co-worker: Right, so we'll see you later, then.

Me: Maybe you'll see my FACE later.
Co-worker: -
Me: FACE.

Co-worker: *sigh*

Me: I'm out.

 

 

 3. Start having celebratory drinks before anyone else shows up. When they do show up, they will bring you a "Best Boss Ever" trophy that they welded into a unicorn because they know you love unicorns. Be so drunk you don't realize that it's a unicorn. Cry anyway, because it's the thought that counts and also, you're drunk.

 

 

 

 

4. Parade your "Best Boss Ever" trophy all over your bar.  Run into your lawyer and his wife. They compliment you on your trophy and it's unicorn-ness.  Realize that your trophy is a unicorn. Freak out.

 

Me: HOLY SH*TBALLS, YOU GUYS! THIS IS A MOTHER FREAKING UNICORN TROPHY!!!

Co-workers: Right.

Me: James! Did you see this thing? It's a Gawd D*** unicorn!

James: Right.

Me: A unicorn.  Holy sh*t.

 

 

 5. Have more celebratory drinks and re-tell the story of discovering your unicorn trophy to anyone who will listen.  Embellish. Get progressively more and more vulgar. Punch people in the arm for emphasis.

 

Me: And then I wush all: "Holy bacon wrapped mother of god, thish peesh of ballsh to the wall ish an a**holin' UNICORN!" You know what I mean?

Co-worker: Ouch.

Me: Ouch your faesh.

Co-worker: Quit punching me.

Me: I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!

 

 

 6. Go home and pass out. With class, elegance, and style.

 

 

 

And dignity.

 

 

 

Read more...

Because bad drawings take a long time to draw...

...but responding to junk e-mail only takes 5 minutes.

So....

Thursday, July 05, 2012 1:01 PMEdge Research [replies@edgeresearchsurveys.com]

To:
Jessica Benassi
You replied on 7/5/2012 5:56 PM.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Dear Jessica Biel,

We would greatly appreciate your help!

If you can assist us by completing our survey on foodservice operations we will provide you with a free copy of the report detailing the survey results once we complete the compilation and analysis of the data.

The survey results will reflect many important aspects of the foodservice industry across the U.S., and the report will be useful to you in managing your foodservice operations.

The report will be available for a cost to those not included in the survey, but as a thank you for your time, we will send it to you free of charge. In addition, those who complete the survey will get a $10 Amazon gift card via email as a 'Thank You'.

Our questions will not take long for you to answer, and we believe you will find them interesting. Your opinions and answers will help your vendors offer the types of foods you need to enhance the appeal of your menu, and to optimize your traffic and revenues.

All of your answers to our questions will be treated as absolutely confidential and anonymous. Your specific foodservice operation will never be associated with any specific responses.

Attached the survey link below:

http://dimensions.edgeresearch.com/e.asp?p=ST1201&S=C&id=8001267

A Sincere thanks for your help!

Miranda Smith
Edge Research

_____________________________________________

Thursday, July 05, 2012 5:56 PM

Jessica Benassi

To:

Edge Research ‎[replies@edgeresearchsurveys.com]‎

Hi Miranda,

 Jessica Biel is a famous Hollywood actress. She's also engaged to Justin Timberlake, a famous Hollywood actor and former pop singing sensation.

 Actually, he might still be a pop singing sensation - I'm not sure.

 Anyway, I tried to forward this e-mail to Jessica Biel, but as it happens, her e-mail address is really difficult to get a hold of.

 I'd like to think that you confused me with Jessica Biel because we look so much alike, but I don't think that's the case. Everyone tells me I look like "Blossom" from that 80's show..."Blossom." "Blossom" doesn't look like Jessica Biel, she looks like a young Bette Midler, which is probably why they cast her as a young Bette Midler in "Beaches."

Blossom

Jessica Biel

Jessica Benassi

Also, "Beaches" makes me cry every time... without fail. It's like - I know whatsherface is going to die, but every time it's just a punch in the face. Like King Kong. You know the part in King Kong, where he's all on top of the building, and he loves the girl, and the planes are shooting him, and he's so confused, and his eyes are all big and brown and sad and confused just like your dog's when you tell him he can't have another treat, and then all of the sudden Kong is dead and you're on the floor of the movie theatre beating the ground with your fists and screaming at your husband , "WHY DID THEY DO THAT TO HIM?????" and everybody's kind of backing away and stepping around you and freaked out looking and your husband tries to pull you up from the floor, but there's gum stuck to your knees and you can't see because your eyes are full of mascara tears and there's snot all over the place because you just can't stop sobbing and who wants to live in a world that kills a monkey just for loving a girl???

WTF.

No wonder they make so much money in Hollywood - they're super manipulative with people's fragile emotions.


 ...What were we talking about?

 OH! Right. Anyway, I can't fill out your survey because I'm scared of clicking on links in unsolicited mass e-mails, but I'd still like to have the $10 Amazon gift card as a thank you for responding to your e-mail and letting you know that I'm not actually Jessica Biel. Also, here's a fan site for Jessica Biel - just in case you were interested: http://www.fanpop.com/spots/jessica-biel.

 Sincerely,

Jessica Benassi, not Biel

Read more...

More Excellent Life Coaching Advice by A Professional Expert on Life Coaching About Life

How to do Exactly the Opposite of What Everyone Expects and Have a Better Life,

by Jessica Benassi

Professional Life Coach and Expert on Figuring Stuff out about Life

Step 1:
Get a job that you're really good at.  Throw yourself into it.  Excel. Love it.  Love it so much you want to marry it.  

Step 2:
Start bringing your work home.  Spread it all over your bed, and wake up with paperclips up your nose.

Step 3:
Start dreaming about work while you sleep.  Wake up in the middle of the night screaming about wedding cakes.

Step 4:  
Without noticing, completely lose your sense of humor.

Step 5:
Only have time to eat Doritos and orange pop.  Start to turn orange.

Step 6:
Come home one night and introduce yourself to the weird guy in your living room and his 4 dogs.

Step 7:
Develop a rather obvious twitch in your eye.

Step 8:
Consider a career change.  Watch an episode of "Animal Hoarders" and think "I could do that."

Step 9:
Decide to quit your awesome job in exchange for a career in waiting tables, blogging, painting pictures, selling stuff you make, working at the bar you own and hanging out with that weird guy and his 4 dogs.

Step 10:
Put on your unicorn shirt, because life just got awesome.

The moral to this story is that you should keep your feet on the ground and your head in your dreams, unless Freddy Krueger shows up, in which case you should run away really fast and maybe think about becoming an accountant or something safe like that.

Also, don't be afraid to quit your grown up job in favor of having a life.  Having a life is nice, even if you don't have as much money. Or any money.

Also, can I have a dollar?

Read more...

Bunions are funions except no they're not and apparently creepy feet creep people out.

Most people who know me know that I have ugly feet. Not because they've seen them - my feet are so ugly that I generally don't let them see the light. Most people know my feet are ugly because I've told them and someone who has been unfortunate enough to have actually seen them has served as a witness. Yes. Yes, she has the ugliest feet ever.

 Anyway, about a month ago my left foot started to hurt. Always. No matter what. Throbbing, painful, left foot. I almost became a doctor when I was in college, so I knew just what to do. I googled it.

 Me: I googled my foot and guess what?!?
James: You have bunions.
Me: Yeah, but guess what else?!?
James: I give up.
Me: I have bursitis!
James: No you don't.
Me: I do. I have bursitis and I'm going to the foot doctor tomorrow and they're probably going to give me a cane and I'M LIKE MY OWN FREAKING EPISODE OF "HOUSE" RIGHT NOW! 
James: You don't have bursitis.
Me: You're so jealous ...

 Anyway, I went to the doctor and told them about my bursitis and asked them for a cane so I could be my own episode of "House" but they said no and instead, they chopped up my foot while I was sleeping:

I'm sorry about this creepy picture of my creepy foot, but look at it this way: at least it's not your creepy foot.

My bunion and I had actually become friends.  I named him "Kuato" and sometimes, when I was falling asleep, I could hear him underneath the covers whispering ,"Quaaaaaaid......Quaaaaaaid."  So, you know, I was sad that we had to murder him.  However, I'm pretty pleased with Frankenfoot so far...

...except for the part about the crutches.

So...I got my crutches and I was all, "Meh...crutches, smutches...who needs two feet?  I'm like a ninja anyway. I'll be vaulting over brick walls and using these as weapons before you can blink"...

And then I tried my crutches and it turns out I'm terrible on them.  Like - really bad.  I just keep tripping over stuff and falling on stuff and losing my balance. Also, when your hands are all pre-occupied trying to work your crutches, then they become pretty much useless, too.  So basically, surgery on your foot = no hands and only one good foot, and it's only a good foot if it doesn't try and trip you all of the time...which mine does....so basically, I'm just a torso on stilts right now.

Showering is dangerous and I can only shower while someone else is in the house with me, because chances are pretty good that I will fall and break something....like myself.  This week our local cell phone tower went down, so I can't call anyone...including my husband to find out when he will be home so I can shower safely. I also can't work from home, which was the plan for this week, but no longer works when you don't have access to a phone.

Stairs have taken me out three times so far.

I don't think stairs are done with me yet.

My nerves are a little frazzled.  

On the way to my doctor's appointment today, I heard a song that I decided was about putting your dog to sleep and started crying hysterically.  

It was a CD and I immediately ejected it and threw it out the window.

And by "threw it out the window", I mean I hit repeat.  All the way to the doctor's office, because ...

...I have no idea why, I'm like a crazy person these days.

Did I mention that I hadn't showered?

Did I mention that I'm allergic to everything?  It's true.  Including the sticky stuff that's on the heart monitors that they use when you go in for surgery to have your foot mutilated. 

 My entire torso looks like chicken pox.  Chicken pox torso on stilts.

Also, I get really blotchy when I get emotional and I fidget with my hair.

Smelly chicken pox torso on stilts with a bird's nest head.

By the time I walked into the reception area at the doctor's office, I was this:

It's my turn to see the doctor.

Anyway, my point is this: The doctor may be able to take your Kuato and your bursitis and  your imaginary cane and your freedom but as long as he gives you some rather strong pain pills then  I love you...and cake...and flying bunnies...and puppies...look! 

                                         ...the clouds are shaped like my toes...

                                                                          ...happy toes...

...like clouds....not clowns...

                                                                                ....I like wafffles....

Read more...

Why Jesus is Jesus and James is not.

Me:  If I was Jesus, I think I would be mad at people who gave up facebook for Lent. Well, maybe not mad.  Maybe sad. Aren't you supposed to give up beef or something?
James: I'm not sure.  I think it's food of some sort.
Me:  Yeah.  If people gave up facebook instead of food for Lent and I was Jesus, I'd be all, "come on, man!  Are you serious?" and I'd probably be weeping and stuff...
James:  Not me.  If I were Jesus, I'd be so pissed off at everyone. I'd delete everyone's facebook and smite them.  With explosions.

James: That's probably another reason that I wouldn't make a very good Jesus.
Me:  Yeah, 'cause you'd just be mad all of the time about Lent and blowing stuff up.
James: Yeah, and there would be owls everywhere.
Me: What?
James: Yeah, every tree filled with hundreds of owls, all  "who cooks for you? hoo!hoo!HOO! HOO! WHOCOOKSFORYOOOOOOOOOOU!" *
Me: You can't have hundreds of owls in every tree.  They'll start dying.
James: Um...no.  Not if they're magic Jesus owls.
Me: Magic Jesus owls? Are you serious?
James: Uh-huh.  I'd make them in my own image.
Me: So if you're Jesus, you're just going to fill the world with a bunch of owls that look like you...?
James: Yep.  And blow up people's facebook accounts.
Me: You're right.  You'd make a terrible Jesus.

* It should be noted that we had this conversation while driving, and when James started talking about all of the owls in the trees and making his crazy owl noises, he got all bug eyed and crazy and started shouting "HOO!HOO!HOO!" and almost veered off the road and killed a little old lady pushing her cart of groceries across the street....with her baby granddaughter....and her puppy. Because James is a bad, bad man and also unnaturally obsessed with owls.

Read more...

How to be a Professional Cell Phone Pet Photographer.

How to be a Professional Cell Phone Pet Photographer

by Jessica Benassi,

Professional Pet Photographer and Expert on Pet and Cell Phone Photography

One of the things that I've noticed lately, is how a bad economy kind of forces people to look deep within themselves and find those talents that they never really knew that they had, and to turn around and start a business with those talents.  Like many people with talent, I also have talent.  Sometimes I feel sorry for people because I actually have probably well over 50 talents that I can make money with, and lots of people only have one or two talents.  One of the talents that I have is professional cell phone pet photography, which is very valuable in today's economy and why I'm so lucky to have been born with it as one of my many talents.

Probably the most important part of professional cell phone pet photography is making sure that your pictures tell a story.  It's ok if they're blurry or out of focus or the light is bad, because that stuff is artistic and creative and also, lots of photos on facebook are blurry and out of focus and that's actually where most of the best cell phone photographers got their start. 

Today I'm going to share an example of what professional cell phone pet photography looks like, so that if you're considering it as a career, you won't get confused by other people who are trying to pass themselves off as professionals, but are in fact, only imposters.  Because this is a lesson, I'm also going to spell out the story that I'm telling with the photos, even though other professional cell phone pet photographers will know exactly what I'm saying because they're professionals and also, pictures are worth a thousand words, but only if you know how to read.

This is me with my dog Jack.  This picture tells the story of Jack eating the back of my head. Notice how my face is sad?  A sad face is good when you're trying to tell a story without words...it lets people know that you're sad without you even having to say anything.

This picture tells the story of Jack trying to yank the hairs out of my head.  This is what we in the professional cell phone pet photography field call an "action shot."

Some people might think this shot is a mistake, like maybe Jack kicked the phone or something while I was trying to take this picture.  That's not what this is, though.  This shot is artistic and you might wonder, "hey! what's that finger doing there?"  and the answer is that this finger symbolizes society and Jack and I are oppressed by it.

This is another action shot.  If this were a movie, this would be the part where you might wonder if the hero is going to make it out alive, or if they're going to instead get their face eaten off. In your head, ominous music should be playing, because that's what was happening in my head when I took this shot.

Quitters never win, and winners never quit...Jack is still trying to eat my face off and it's at this moment in the story that you might wonder if Jack is even human or if he's some weird terminator robot and is about to rip his fur off and become Arnold Schwarzenegger. Also, if you're wondering why it looks like I'm smiling in this shot it's probably because you're still an amateur and you haven't really figured out symbolism yet.

This is the part in the story where Jack distracts me with a joke and it's so hilarious and we're both just laughing and laughing, but also, because I'm really good at telling stories through photography, you can still see the pain behind my eyes because Jack just ripped out most of my hair ... with his teeth.

This is sort of an action shot, except everybody is really tired of this game, so Jack is just kind of gnawing on my face a little bit and I'm secretly plotting my revenge and...

...then Jack gets possessed by evil spirits and I'm all screaming and stuff and the tension is so high and nobody has any holy water or rock salt (we watch "Supernatural") or strange symbols that protect you when your dog turns all Cujo and then...

...Jack is all "just kidding" because he doesn't want you to win the fight because you found some holy water and he's trying to trick you and you don't fall for it and instead you turn him into a blurry blob with some stuff that you learned reading a "Harry Potter" book, and the story ends and you're all smiley and you also look a little bit like a crazy person due to the hours of fighting with your dog and stuff but none of that matters because you're the hero.

The End.

Read more...