How To Be Married: Teamwork

Part of the award winning series *

"How To Be Married,"

by Jessica Benassi,

self-proclaimed expert on marriage.

One of the things that makes our marriage so strong, is that James and I are really sympathetic to each other's needs and when things go wrong for one of us, the other one is always there to provide a shoulder to lean on. Sometimes this is difficult, as James and I live with dogs who eat all of our food, so we're both kind of skinny and our shoulders are all boney and not really good for leaning on and actually, it's usually just painful and makes everything worse instead of better.

So first - if you really want your marriage to be successful, you should probably gain lots of weight so that your shoulders are more comfortable to lean on.  More potatoes and more cake = better spouse.

(via Foodaphilia )

This is a cake made out of potatoes.  Probably if you eat this for dinner every night, your marriage is going to be the best marriage ever because your shoulders will be so fat and comfortable.

Sometimes your spouse might think that they're being helpful and a team player, when in fact, they're just being a giant douche canoe and they should be benched or whatever it is that they do in sports when the person is a huge jerk. Take this hypothetic and not at all true example:  If your wife is deperately trying to floss a popcorn kernel out of her teeth and reaches for the mouthwash at the same time, and somehow manages to throw half of the bottle of mouthwash in her eyes, knocking her glasses off of her face and is screaming in agony as she blindly crawls around on the floor looking for her glasses, the appropriate response is NOT to stand in the corner laughing while telling her that she's "getting warmer...warmer ....ooooh, dang....nope...never mind...colder..."

That's not teamwork, mister...that's just a road to Kardashian Town, paved with lies and diamond earrings that are super glued to the cobblestone so you can't actually pick them up and when you reach the end of that road, your knees are all scabbed and gross from crawling on the ground, your fingers are nothing but bloody stumps, you don't have any diamonds and OK! Magazine just told you that you're getting divorced.

So think about that.

Keep coming back for more expert marriage advice and remember, "True love never dies.  It just turns into a zombie with festering wounds all over the place, terrorizing the neighborhood and trying to eat everyone's brains."


* Actual awards haven't been granted yet, but as I am also a self proclaimed expert on seeing the future, I can tell you that the awards are coming. For real. You'll see.




P.S.  I found this for you:

 (via smosh)