Expert Fashion Advice by a Fashion Expert on Fashion
Due to the economy and the shortage of brilliant ideas around here and the lack of time to write because of my grueling work schedule and also because I'm mostly lazy, I've decided to explore different ideas in writing that will make me money and also, let me sleep more.
One of the ideas I came up with is to be a fashion writer. Fashion writers don't have to tell you long stories about Marriage or Vagina Purses or Oprah Winfrey and tampon shoes . Fashion writers just pick an outfit and tell you what's awesome about it or what sucks. I picked up the InStyle magazine with Gwen Stefani on the cover and I always read the rest of the fashion mazines in the grocery store check-out lanes...things like Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Country Living and Soap Opera Digest. I also watch Fashion Police on occasion and I went to college. I feel well qualified to take this job on. So, presenting, and also, introducing the first article in the award winning series:
Stuff About Fashion
by Jessica Benassi
Self Proclaimed Expert on Fashion Writing and Stuff About Fashion
Today we're going to talk about wearing clothes that are shiny. Shiny clothes are a definite do. This one time I went to a Barry Manilow concert and he always picks somebody out of the audience to sing a song with him and I was jumping up and down on top of my chair, all "BAAAAARRRRRYYYY!!!!! PICK ME!!!! I love you!!! I know all the words!!! AIEEEEEEEEEEE!! ARGH! LOVE. YOU. BARRY. MANILOW. AIEEEE!!!!! PICK ME! PICK JESSICA!!! PICK JESSICA!!!!" and Barry Manilow did NOT pick me. Instead, he picked a woman in a big shiny dress a couple of rows over because, as he told all of us, "I had to pick her - she looks like a baked potato!"
(this is a 100% true story.)
(this is a 100% true story.)
So first - shiny clothes get you stage time with Barry Manilow.
Second - shiny clothes are shiny, and things that are shiny are pretty. For instance:
See? Look how...shiny...everyone is! The puffed sleeves only add to the look. As a self-proclaimed expert in fashion, I do have to offer a critique - a large shiny bow in everyone's hair would really have completed these outfits. You just can't have too much shiny.
I'd also just like to say that it's nice that someone blurred out everyone's faces so that no one could track them down and steal their beautiful shiny gold dresses.
Keep coming back for more fashion expertise, and remember, "People who wear ugly clothes shouldn't live in glass houses...because then everyone can see you in your ugly clothes."
del.icio.us
Posts
3 comments:
Oh, you crack me up! I had such a crappy morning fighting with my son this morning before school (I discovered that, instead of eating his shrimp after I left the kitchen last night, he HID THEM ALL OVER THE PLACE and lied to me about it! Thank God the dogs alerted me to his treachery or we would have had a very stinky Christmas!). So I really appreciated your fashion commentary, and I'm sure everything will get much, much better if I just wear more lame and tin foil. Also, thanks for the link to the Vagina Purse post because I needed that, too. Very Georgia O'Keefe -- you're looking at this lovely abstract painting and feeling all calm and zen about it until your husband says, "that's a vagina" and you say "NO it isn't, you pervert" but now it's forever ruined for you because it will always just be a giant vagina and never again just a happy painting or a cute purse.
At work, I deal with a material called LCM Mica, which is a 50lb sack of metallic dust (awesome metal band name, by the way). After working with this material, I am covered head to toe in the glittery flakes. My co-workers will often comment on how shiny and "pretty I look, which is true, but the downside is that breathing in this material, which is somewhat inevitable, will slowly shred your lung tissue. So, sometimes shiny hurts.
I wish I had shiny pajamas. I would wesr them all the time.
Post a Comment