The More You Know...

As I was drifting off to sleep the other night, my dear James looked at me lovingly and said,
"Wow...you really do have gigantic pores!"
He was shocked when I got upset. Seriously surprised. "What?" he said. "I thought girls wanted big pores."

Wow.

I spent the next hour in front of the bathroom sink exfoliating, scrubbing, steaming and contemplating how such a smart guy could be so ignorant when it comes to female insecurities. I still don't get it...I don't think he does either, so I'm making a list - "5 things a guy should not mention about a woman's body so the guy can avoid getting punched in the junk."

1. The size of her pores. Even if you think they're cute and dainty little pores...leave it alone. All women wish their pores were invisible and you should treat them like they are.

2. The waggle, also known as "bye bye arms." Waggle is when the flesh under a woman's arm decides it's tired of holding on to the arm and just lets go. There's no fighting waggle...Madonna tried to fight waggle and look what happened to her arms. Women are sometimes seen comparing waggle and reassuring each other that it doesn't exist. If you are a guy and you stumble onto this conversation and possible display of waggle waggle-ing, walk away immediately. Waggle is very dangerous territory and you will get hurt.

3. Back fat and/or love handles. Most guys don't really mention this so much as they poke it sometimes. I know they think it's harmless and probably don't even realize what they're doing and would even insist that it's not fat if you were to say anything but here's the thing: Poking at back fat almost always seems to happen in slow motion. The woman watches helplessly, all the while imagining that her back fat (which, in her mind, looks something like Jabba the Hut) is going to suck your whole arm in and only the Jaws of Life will get you out. And back fat paranoia doesn't care about weight or body mass index - In fact, I'm pretty sure that I read an article once where Kate Moss expressed this exact same fear.

4. Sploosh. Sploosh is what happens when a woman goes to bed at night. Everything that was tightly reigned in by jeans and bras and standing upright feels free to settle into a puddle-like shape at bed-time. I've actually never heard a guy comment on this...and that's a good thing. Just because we're puddle shaped at night does not mean that we can't quickly get it back together and hurt you. After all, the Wonder Twins took the form of a puddle...and then a gorilla. We can do the same.

5. Migration. This also happens at night, around bed time. Migration is when boobs decide that they're not comfortable on your chest anymore, and instead would like to live in your armpits for a while. Guys think migration is funny...migration is not funny. Armpit migration is just a prelude to boob retirement, when boobs pack it up and move south and only come back to the chest for brief visits, when the weather permits. Boob retirement is terrifying.

Of course, these are only 5 out of about a gazillion. Rest assured, if you are a guy and you want to know more...I'll be sharing more of my amazing secrets about women in the future. With my advice and guidance, you too can have long lasting love and happiness! I like to think that I'm kind of like that Pick-Up Artist guy from VH-1, only not as douche-y.

And now for happier news...


Do you guys remember a long, long time ago...like, maybe Saturday, when I posted this picture?


This picture makes me really happy...so I posted it again...because maybe it makes you happy, too.