I would so ninja kick bridezilla's ass...seriously.

So, I'm channeling all of my wedding stress into really complex ninja fantasies, where anyone that aggravates me even the slightest bit gets a serious ninja beatdown from me...

At the office supply store, the lady that was standing in front of the paper that I really REALLY needed...the lady that wouldn't move because she had to stand there and talk on the phone...even though she obviously didn't need any paper...and I really did...and this was the 5th store that I'd been to...and I'm super stressed out...and I was all sweet and stuff and she was totally NOT...

...she got the most serious ninja beatdown of them all...

Me: "Excuse me, ma'am, might I just squeeze past you and get that batch of paper there?"
Evil Lady: "Meh...hmphh...no."
Me: "Ma'am, it would only take just a second and I'll be out of your way in a jiffy!" (check out how sweet I am)
Evil Lady: "Pffffffffft...meh." (I KNOW! Can you believe this chick?)
Me: "Ma'am, I suggest you step aside before I unleash the horror."
Evil Lady: "Heh...please....harumph."

...and then I totally did....I unleashed the horror. I grabbed a pack of 30% post consumer recycled cardstock, real quick origami'd them into chinese throwing stars and whipped a swarm of them at her head...

...she was all "Aiiiiieeeeeeee!" and was yelling into her bluetooth head set thing for somebody to help her...but nobody can protect you from "The Horror" (that's my ninja name ~ it's pretty awesome)...then she tried to run but she tripped over her bright orange Crocs because everybody knows that Crocs suck for running...then I did a double back flip and landed on the top shelf where normally you're not even allowed to reach for stuff up there without assistance but I'm a ninja so that doesn't apply to me...anyway, I combined my ninja skills with some wrestler moves and I dropped down and body slammed her. Then I dug my elbows into her back (I do this to James all of the time and he freaks out so I know it hurts pretty bad) and I was all, "Who doesn't get their paper, now, HUH? Meh meh, right? RIGHT????"

...and then my phone rang and I snapped out of it and she wasn't even there anymore so I got my paper.

People are so lucky I'm not a real ninja...yet.

P.S. I was telling James about this and how my ninja name is "The Horror" and he was all, "your ninja name is the whore?" and I was like, "no, it's The Horror, like...I'm scary...I'm The Horror," and he was all, "What's so scary about a whore?" and I was like, "I'm not a WHORE, I'm The Horror, I'm a ninja and that's my ninja name, I'm The Horror, asshole!" and James was like, "Stop yelling about being a whore!" and I was all, "I'm not a whore!!!" and then we remembered we were in a restaurant and people were staring so we told them that we were planning our wedding and everyone kind of nodded knowingly and went back to eating their food because apparently everyone goes through this.