You can't just go dropping F-bombs anywhere you please.

Seriously, you can't...which totally sucks, by the way, and here's why:

This whole blog was started as a way to market my store and although it's probably hard to tell at this point, that is still the idea. I have a whole master plan for internet domination which I'm sure you're just dying to hear. BUT -if I tell you you could steal it and then I'd have to come up with a whole new plan and this one was pretty hard to come up with in the first place so all I'm going to tell you is that when I finally succeed you're going to know it because I'm going to be sitting on Oprah Winfrey's couch, crying about dating guys in crushed red velvet pants and helping her give away cars. Oh, and also, I'll have more money.

But anyway, the F-bomb thing...So, because I'm trying to achieve internet domination/fame/success/whatever, I'm also trying reallyreallyreally hard not to offend anyone. Which, if you really know me, you know that that's kind of a difficult thing for me to do. I offend people without even trying. I've been keeping it pretty well in check here but trust me, at some point I'm probably going to offend you, too. You're going to be all royally P.O.'d that you ever even wasted your time with the likes of me and you're going to think I scammed you into thinking I was a nice person and we're probably going to have a huge fight (which I'll probably win but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it).

Anyway, that's way far in the future because for the most part I've been really well behaved so far. I don't swear or talk about politics or religion or sex stuff or anything even remotely controversial...and then I go and read other blogs and I get super jealous 'cause they're all swearing and talking about sex and creepy stuff and swinging their bras from chandeliers and doing all sorts of sordid but cool grown up stuff and damnit, here I am trying to be all well behaved because my readers could be customers and people who want to buy pretty jewelry don't want to hear you spouting f-bombs all over the place and the other day I lost a follower on Twitter because I made a Jesus joke and I FREAKED out because it's kind of hard to explain yourself to an absolute stranger in 140 characters or less, especially when that stranger just dumped you and you're not even sure who they are. I'm still kind of freaking out about that, actually. I'm freaking out even mentioning it here, like maybe somebody else is going to read this and be all, "Well, I never! I wash my hands of this harlot with her Jesus jokes and her f-bombs and her boys in velvet pants and her just general offensiveness," but really, it was a super tiny little joke and I was only kidding and I'm pretty sure Jesus and I are cool, anyway. But, you know, people get really worked up about that sort of thing and you have to be careful when one of your end goals is to be on Oprah.

Of course, now that I think about it, I don't really even drop F-bombs that often or talk about sex or creepy stuff anymore and also, somebody else pulled me into that Jesus joke, it wasn't even my idea and I think I actually USED to be offensive but I'm probably really not anymore and I guess all I'm really trying to say is that I really like reality t.v. and a lot of the people on reality t.v. are douchebags and sometimes you just have to call a douchebag a douchebag without worrying about people trying to make you feel bad about it.



I hope you and I can still be friends.