This isn't so much a blog entry as it is a desperate cry for help...and a toothbrush.

Two weeks ago, Las Vegas...

James: I think I left my toothbrush at home.
Me: That sucks.
James: So I used yours.
Me: Are you serious?
James: Yes.
Me: That's really gross. Really.
James: I'm going to use it tomorrow, too. Just so you know.
Me: Awesome.


The next day, in Las Vegas...

James: Are you sick?
Me: No, why?
James: I thought I heard you getting sick in the bathroom.
Me: No...I was just gagging while I was brushing my teeth with my own toothbrush that you defiled with your mouth.
James: Am I crazy, or having we been making out for over 7 years now?
Me: I know, but...you're gross.

One week ago, at home...

Me: I think I left my toothbrush in Vegas.
James: That sucks.
Me: So I used yours.
James: Are you serious?
Me: Yes.
James: OK.

Last night, our bathroom...

James: I think it's time for you to get your own toothbrush.
Me: I know. This is so gross.
James: So why don't you just go ahead and get your own toothbrush?
Me: Because my toothbrush is fancy and I don't have $70.00 lying around to replace it.
James: You know you can buy a cheap toothbrush, right?
Me: That's probably the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life. Why would I do that?
James: Because you need to stop using mine.
Me: Yeah, but you can't replace the toothbrush of the gods with cheap plastic. They'll smite you and your teeth will turn green. It's like lying in church.

(Sonicare = toothbrush of the gods. And me.)


The next morning, our bathroom...

Me: James! Where's the toothbrush?

Me: James? Hello?

Me: Toothbrush?

Me: Dang.


P.S. Speaking of missing things ...

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Despite James' best efforts to destroy me, my brain is still here for you.

First things first:

No one has given me $60,000 yet so I'm placing an ad in the middle of my own blog for my own store for people to buy my stuff that I made with my own bare hands. Here it is:

You can buy my stuff here. Do it for the penguins...and for me, too, because obviously I'm not just sitting around making stuff for penguins...I have bad habits to support and also, penguins probably don't really even need my help...actually, screw the penguins. Just do it for me.

Anyway, no one has donated to my very worthy cause, so James and I pawned all of our shoes and stuff to go to Las Vegas this weekend. We were going to a wedding and I thought it would be kind of romantic and we could do
Las Vegas-y stuff like renew our vows with Elvis and gamble our life savings away, but once again, James just used it as another opportunity to try and kill me for the insurance money.

Me: Do you think it's safe for me to fly with the flu?
James: Yes.
Me: I'm really congested, though.
James: Uh-huh.
Me: My ears could explode.
James: Your ears won't explode.
Me: I'm going to google it.
James: Google is not the answer for everything.
Me: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

James: Did you just google "earballs exploding in space?"
Me: Yes.
James: Earballs exploding in space?
Me: I need to make sure my brain doesn't explode on the plane, stupid.
James: What's an earball?
Me: The inside of your ear, obviously.
James: And the plane to Vegas is going to...outer space?
Me: Close enough. Also, I'm way better at googling than you, so don't question my methods. You have to phrase things just right or you'll get a bunch of porn back in your search results.

James: It's weird that people think you're smart.
Me: I'm super smart - that's why I have to make sure my brain doesn't explode. People depend on my brain and also, quit trying to distract me from my research and make me die.


Anyway, after James left me alone and I was able to continue my research, I found out a couple of things: I'm not the only one who has what is a completely rational fear of the flu making my brain explode on an airplane. Not by a long shot. Also, if you have to get on a plane and you don't want your earballs to explode, you should suck on menthol cough drops. This is true and you should trust me because A.) I'm very good at googling and B.) I once wanted to be a doctor.

You're welcome.

P.S. Somebody commented that if anybody deserved glitter boogers, it would be me. That's probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Also, if you google "glitter boogers," this comes up:

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