Jessica.: halloween

The essence of Halloween is, as succinctly and sagely put by Lindsey Lohan's character Cady in Mean Girls, that it is "the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it." For many women who might otherwise be a bit mousy or straight-laced the rest of the year, it is a chance to strut their stuff in what is more or less streetwalker apparel with some kind of occupational theme (typically one other than "streetwalker," although as the very oldest occupation in the world, one certainly need not rule it out completely as an option). Naughty Nurse and Slutty Librarian are some popular choices; Hot Policewoman and Sexy French Maid are other obvious picks.

But for those of us ladies who are nerd-oriented and wish to proudly represent our scientific backgrounds, our choices of pre-fab costumes are pathetically few and far between. Sure, you could pair a bustier with a lab coat and go as a Sexy Scientist, but let's be truthful: it's a bit unimaginative. Any bimbo who's never had to balance the chemical equation for the combustion of organic products in photosynthesis or predict the oxidation state of a substance by examining valency could come up with that.

So because of this dearth of options for lady science buffs, I submit for your review a few hot nerd costume suggestions, which I believe you will find to be both sexily creative and budget-friendly:

Sexy Force of Gravity

This one is very simple. Basically, you just show up and start knocking things out of people's hands, or shoving them to the ground, with a lot of leg and cleavage showing. (Note: it is acceptable if said cleavage technically defies gravity. That is, obviously, the "sexy" part of being the Sexy Force of Gravity.)

Sexy Inertia

This one is even easier than Sexy Force of Gravity. The outfit is very similar, and could theoretically be identical, but instead of throwing other party attendees to the floor, Sexy Inertia just sits on a nearby sofa -- all night -- and eats candy corns (or your own choice of favorite candy). Sexy Inertia works well for those who have had a long day prior to the Halloween party, and perhaps do not have the energy required to truly commit to being Sexy Force of Gravity.

Slutty Hydrogen Atom

Piece of cake! Got a decent looking bra handy? Have a cheap headband lying around? If so, you're already halfway there. Now, as all scientists know, a hydrogen atom (we're going to ignore -- for reasons you'll soon understand -- that the most abundant isotope of hydrogen does not contain a neutron) consists of a proton and neutron in the nucleus, and a single electron orbiting that nucleus. Here's the costume: in magic marker, write p⁺ on one bra cup, and n⁰ on the other. Cut out a piece of paper in the shape of a smallish circle, write e^- on it. Affix to headband, and bam. You're hydrogen. (I leave the bottom half of this costume to your discretion.)

If you're feeling extra slutty, you can skip the electron headband altogether and go as a hydrogen ion, and tell individuals from whom you are interested in accessing sex that you're feeling extremely chemically reactive and that they should only get close if they are willing to give you some sweet electron lovin'. (Warning: this is potentially risky, and should only be attempted if there is a very good chance this individual will understand what you're talking about because if not, it will probably really kill the mood when you have to explain the metaphor.)

Slutty Moss Cells Under Microscope

Acquire a decent sized swath of bubble wrap. Spray paint bubble wrap bright green. Wrap around torso. Again, depending on how slutty you are as moss cells, you might indicate to certain people that if they'd like, you can offer them a closer look at your "organelles" in private.

Provocative Ozone Layer

Any kind of tight mini-dress paired with stripper heels is adequate for this costume. Simply cut out a sizable hole in the dress over the midriff, and write "Antarctica" on your stomach (assistance may be needed for this.) If you are particularly artistic, you may wish to draw a glacier on your stomach as well.

Naughty Electromagnetic Energy at 700-750 Nanometers

"Seeing red." Redhot. Red alert. Red is the color of lipstick, blood, and irresponsible sports cars. Red, dear readers, is the color of passion. It's also the color of light at a wavelength of about around 725 nm. Find a skimpy red top and red hotpants and you're good to go.

Friends, as you can see, the possibilities for slutty-yet-sciencey costumes is limited only by your imagination. The various fields of nerddom are so rife with wondrous costume ideas, one need never feel relegated to the boring old hooker boots and lab coat motif ever again. I hope you all have had a very enjoyable Halloween this year, filled with as many varieties of inadvisable overindulgence as are scientifically possible.