Jessica.: I'm the smartest person in the world

As we embark on this new year, this new decade, I would like to impart on you...to you..er...for you...um....

I'd like to throw some things I learned at you. Hopefully you will treasure them and hold them close to your bosoms...keep them with you as you travel through the year and use these precious little nuggets of wisdom to help you through the most difficult of times...

1. The song "Imma Bee" by The Black Eyed Peas is not about being a bee. It's apparently about...being...or something. Not knowing this is not a big deal if you're just thinking this in your head...not knowing this is more than a little embarassing if you happen to be hanging out with a group of people who are way cooler than you and you wonder out loud if this is a sign that the Black Eyed Peas are maybe going to change their name to "The Black Eyed Bees." So, in 2010, please try to remember:

Fergie = Not a bee.

2. Oprah is leaving us in 18 months. This is important to you because it means that you only have about a year left to get your act together and convince Oprah to give me a box of kleenex and a seat on her couch. It wouldn't hurt to remind her of what a great person I am and how I'm still super, super sorry about that whole Beyonce thing and that everyone should just get over it already and move on like freaking grown-ups instead of dwelling on it and holding grudges and just being huge super jerks about the whole thing and not letting people achieve their dreams and be on the only show that ever really mattered to them, EVER.

...I'm just sayin'...forgiveness is pretty awesome. Anyway:

2010 = Oprah and Jessica are BFFs.

Actually, that's all I learned in 2009. Two things isn't very much and I really tried and tried to remember what else I possibly could have learned but seriously...nothing. Of course, this could mean only one thing...

...I now know everything in the world there is to know. Which means...I'm the smartest person in the world! I know, right? What a great year for me! Anyway, since I'm the smartest person in the world and you guys aren't and I'm really super generous, I'm starting an advice column. Feel free to ask me anything, either here or via my twitter account (www.twitter.com/loveheylola). I'll totally hook you up with the knowledge.

P.S. My vast array of knowledge includes math...