Things to do in Denver when you're dead...

...or in a nearly deserted bar on Easter Sunday, when the rest of the world is eating Peeps and chocolate bunnies, and you're stuck working in a bar with two customers who won't even let you watch the Rock of Love Finale because on the Speed channel cars are chasing each other around a track for hours and that's obviously a way better show than the one where Brett Michaels FINALLY gets his Real, One True Rock of Love...

Bogus...lame.

Another customer came in and he wasn't really into the Speed channel either, so we formed an imaginary band called "Dark Crystal Soul" instead. We're a goth speed metal band from Norway. We have long, pale blonde hair and crystal blue eyes. We have heavy German accents. Our lead singer's name is Envy, only it's spelled NV because that's cooler. My name is Wrath. It's spelled Wrath. We're very angry and absolutely no one understands our pain. Unfortunately, we broke up after about 5 minutes due to creative differences.

I guess there's only that one thing because that pretty much sums up my Easter Sunday.

I would have written sooner but it's been the most super stressful week, ever and at the end of it I was lying in the bottom of the shower, naked and curled up in the fetal position with a bottle of Jack Daniels, crying my fool head off for hours...except I really can't stand whiskey so it was actually iced tea in a Jack Daniels bottle...

...ok, a mason jar...and it's super uncomfortable and kind of cold when you're in the fetal position on the bottom of your shower so I stood up after a couple of minutes and just took a shower and also I quit crying after a minute and just started singing along to the Abba songs that I had playing in the background but you know...same thing.

Also, my cat and I are on the outs and he's currently looking for a new super best friend...that he can live with...forever and ever. He's a nice guy, but I can't handle the pot smoking and the constant partying and how he introduces himself to me every 5 minutes because his short term memory is shot and also, he's really arrogant because he's a celebricat and all he does is hang out with famous people and then come home and brag about it.

Also, if you want him, you should come get him now because the economy is in the dumpster and there's a cat shortage.

Also, did I mention he's famous? (And no, my cat isn't imaginary. Cats aren't like babies..you can't just make them up whenever you feel like it.) I've included some pictures:




Chicken "The Donald" Jolie-Pitt hanging out at a party with Paris Hilton.





Chicken "The Donald" Jolie-Pitt and Lady Gaga leaving the airport




Chicken "The Donald" Jolie-Pitt and the girls from "The Hills." (He's totally on Lauren's side, in case you were wondering.)



Chicken "The Donald" Jolie-Pitt, Madonna and Britney Spears at the Mtv Music Awards

Probably so many people will want him that I'll have to do a reality show so that I can be sure that everyone's intentions are true...so, you know, better get your name in there quick before you miss out.


P.S. Sometimes when your week sucks and you invent imaginary goth speed bands and you're trying to get it together for the sake of your blog, you might get distracted for hours by Muppets Mash-Ups.(Seriously...go to youtube and do a search for "metal muppets"...it's AMAZING. Master of Muppets? Don't Fear the Beaker? Awesome.) I don't know how any of that ties together, but here:

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Hey Paris!!! Pick me! Over here, Paris!

Paris Hilton picked her new BFF...and I watched the whole episode. I'm so ashamed...I kept trying to walk away but the bad acting and the awkwardness and the desperation just kept reeling me back in. Plus, everybody was getting ready to "step up their game" and "take it to the next level" and I just had to find out who was really "real." (I'm not going to tell you...I don't want to spoil the surprise)

Ah....reality t.v....I love you. You've allowed me to accept my own trainwreck tendencies and encouraged me to step up my own game.

Ok...that was a total lie. I have no idea how to step up my game...I don't even know what that means, I just know that in order to be on any reality show, you have to be willing to do that...to step up your game. My inability to step up my own game is probably the only thing keeping me from being on reality t.v. Well, that and the fact that I've never actually tried to be on t.v. That's probably got something to do with it, as well.

Anyway, If Paris Hilton's new BFF doesn't work out and she goes for season two, I'm throwing my hat in the ring. I figure I have at least a few months to learn about all that game stuff...also, I'll probably be the only one that's "real." I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that knows that BFF stands for "best freeloader friend" and I'm willing to embrace that concept 100%. See?..."real."

I'm your girl, Paris...but if you ever call me your pet, I'll kick you.


P.S.

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Big ass bunnies and Paris Hilton

First - this blog is amazing. It's making me want to spend lots of money that I don't have, so that I can travel to places that I've never been. Like...um, I really NEED to go visit this giant pink Italian bunny. Real bad.



Second - I'm a huge fan of reality t.v. I used to be kind of ashamed but now I just go with it...and I go with the bad stuff. The "sucks-your-brain-out-through-your-eyeballs" stuff. (Thankfully, my giant head holds a lot of brain so I can afford to lose some to reality t.v.) As much bad reality t.v. as I watch, I somehow managed to miss "Paris Hilton's My New BFF"...until tonight. Um...I don't know that any reality garbage that I have ever seen has ever sucked this much brain out of my skull...it kind of hurts. I only caught about 15 minutes of it and spent most of the time trying to figure out why everybody was speaking in text speak and what the hell half of it meant. From what I understand, Paris lets people know how she feels about them and whether or not they are good enough to be her BFF by deciding if she's going to TTYN, TTYS, or TTYL. Mostly, it seems to be TTYN which I think means talk to you never...right? My eyeballs are bleeding...my head hurts so bad... I can't ever watch this show again...

...except now I'm a little bit invested...now I almost have to know who gets to be the BFF...

Damn you, Paris Hilton!! DAMN YOU!


P.S. Ok, seriously...when a potential BFF was just eliminated, they played a Sarah Mclachlan song...like, the same sad stuff they play for the sad puppies in animal shelters...You win, Paris Hilton. I'm a total sucker for unintentional comedy.

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