Jessica.: beat myself up

So, really, really exciting news this week...I'm the first thing that comes up if you Google "ass bunnies." Seriously. It's almost like I'm famous. Also, lots and lots and lots of people Google "ass bunnies" and end up on my blog. I have one of those narcissistic stat tracker things and I totally see you, guy in Italy! Somehow I don't think I'm what they were looking for, but hey...I'll take what I can get. If I need to be the ass bunny queen to get people over here, then I'm willing to wear that title. Proudly.

In other "things-that-seem-like-porn-but-really-aren't-porn" news: I totally slapped myself in the face with a hot noodle.*

This would normally not be news except for the fact that it was ridiculously hot and half of my lip immediately blew up to about 3 times it's normal size. This would also not really be news except apparently I needed to teach myself a lesson or something...so about an hour later I went ahead and dropped a gazillion pound coffee table book** on my face. My lip cracked in half and started bleeding all over the place and I got all freaked out and fell back over a giant box of crap that I probably don't even need and hit my head on the wall and now half of my lip is a different color and all swollen and cartoony looking and part of my cheek is blue/green and I think I'm the only person I know who gets beat up by a cat and her own self in the same week. So...you know...if I picked a fight with you and you were thinking about fighting back...you should probably think again. I mean...if I can't even defend myself against me, you probably don't stand a chance (plus, I wouldn't hesitate to throw the cat at you. Not even for a second.) Actually, if I weren't halfway through my 32nd trimester right now, I'd seriously consider a career in UFC fighting or something.

Also, I told James that he wasn't the father of my imaginary baby and he was all, "So," and then I told him that I needed $599 so I could become a doctor and he was all, "Ok," which is total crap because who the hell wants to read about a guy that's all laid back and accommodating and nice all of the time? So now, as if I'm not stressed out enough with the pregnancy and all, I have to deal with him being all selfish and stuff.

Anyway, the baby is due in June or October or something so I'm going to start thinking really seriously about names...as soon as I inform the new father ...who is somebody really high up at the Orbit Gum company...who should probably start thinking about alimony or palimony or abalone or cryptozoolimony or whatever it is where you give me lots of Orbit Gum and a weekly allowance because you imaginarily knocked me up, you bastard.

P.S. If anyone is thinking of throwing me a baby shower, these cakes are totally creepy and totally inappropriate...make sure it's lemon flavored, please:

(via Cakewrecks )

*Trying to see if spaghetti noodles were done...they were.
**Trying to get something from the top shelf of the closet...something that wasn't there. Of course.