Child birth is really hard and also, I still don't have any Oreos.

Me: I think it's probably about time I had this baby.
James: What baby?
Me: MY baby, duh!
James: Oh my God...you're pregnant?
Me: Um...yeah....I've only been pregnant for something like 4 years, now. Geez...
James: Oh...Oh my God....I thought you were serious. I almost passed out.
Me: I AM serious!
James: I thought this baby thing was done.
Me: Nope, I just forgot for a while.
James: I don't think you're allowed to forget that you're pregnant.
Me: Yes you can, people do it all of the time. There was that one lady in New Jersey who forgot that she was pregnant for something like 50 years and then when she finally had the baby, she was the oldest mom in the world and the kid was HUGE.
James: You made that up.
Me: No I didn't...I heard it on the news!
James: The Weekly World News is not real news.
Me: Says you...anyway, we're having this baby so I'm going to need some boiling water and some towels...and a midwife...and some Oreos, probably. And a leather wallet so I don't bite my tongue off. And a lantern.
James: I'm leaving.
Me: Probably you should get a copy of Little House on the Prairie, too. And some cigars.
James: I'm seriously leaving now.
Me: You're going to leave me alone while I'm in labor???
James: I can't believe I married you.
Me: I know, right? You're probably something like the luckiest guy anyone knows.

Anyway, after 2 weeks in agonizing labor, during which I had to walk up a hill in a blizzard both ways, without any oreos because James needs husband lessons or something, I gave birth to my son, Awesome the First. He's a healthy 36 inches long and about 60 pounds. He's also an excellent dancer and the state spelling bee champion. I'm not saying that this kid is my son....but you all know what sweet moves I have, so I think its pretty obvious what's going on here:





P.S. If you guys see the CEO of Orbit Gum, will you let him know that he's a father? Also, tell him I'll take my child support payments in the flavor of Bubblemint, because everyone knows that that's the best kind and I don't want people making fun of my kid for chewing some crappy flavor like mojito mint.

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