The Winfrey-Caine Family Reunion

Ok, I know that Oprah's not REALLY related to me. And I know that Awesome the First isn't REALLY Horatio Caine. However, when your full grown FBI agent of a son, who lived in your stomach for 90 some odd months and probably has super powers because that's almost unheard of these days...like seriously, I think only people related to Moses had pregnancies as long as mine...anyway...

I totally forgot my point. I think it probably had something to do with the fact that he's my kid and I can call him Horatio Caine if I want to. And also he's probably got super powers. And also, Oprah and I are probably going to be such great friends by the end of this year, that people will mistake us for sisters. Therefore...and ergo...Hence...if I've been away from my blog for a very long time and all of the sudden I show back up, it makes perfect sense for me to call my comeback "The Winfrey-Caine Family Reunion." Because of all of that stuff that I just told you about.

Anyway, here's what happened: I went to school to become a doctor and then I decided that I didn't want to be a doctor, because I'm artsy. But I still kinda wanted to do doctor type things, so I worked for a tissue bank. Then the entire world fell into this economic black hole and all of the sudden my really great job was practically non-existent. So I went on hiatus and went back to waiting tables while I tried to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Then, when I was chatting with my boss one day about weddings and such, she casually mentioned that they needed a wedding planner...which of course, I was all,"OOOOOH!! Let me do it! I'll plan the BEST wedding for you ever because I'm ARTSY!" And she kind of looked at me funny because she's really not into artsy wedding type stuff and also she doesn't even have a wedding date picked or anything and apparently what she was talking about wasn't even close to what I thought she was talking about...I mean, it was, but not really. Anyway, turns out that the restaurant that I worked at also runs this beautiful, historic banquet facility and they needed a new "Supreme Director of Everything and Beyond" and since I have a biology degree, I was an obvious choice for the job. So, for the past two months I've been perfecting my position as "Ultimate Fighting Event Planning Warrior Champion," which is why I've been neglecting all of you guys and the Winfrey-Caine family. I'm sorry. Planning weddings and receptions is hard. For real. Like, J. Lo is really on my bad side because "The Wedding Planner" is a HUGE lie. First, no way does she have time to sit in a park every week, watching old movies, swingin' her legs to and fro, while picking brown m&ms out of the package. Also, no way does she have time to even think about planning her own wedding, even if it is at the courthouse. Also, people get married EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND, so I'm not sure where she found the time to be all showered and manicured and pretty and stuff and why she wasn't answering her phone every ten minutes and how she could even think about falling in love with somebody else's fiance, especially when she's so super tired because during the summer, PEOPLE GET MARRIED EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND.

Eff you, J.Lo, you're a big old liar and we're not friends anymore, and yes, I AM going to tell Oprah about this.

So, in a nutshell: The Winfrey-Caine family is still strong and still a force to be reckoned with, I am not a doctor, my son probably has super-powers, I have a new job that I love, and finally...Jennifer Lopez is a liar and I'm probably going to write a song about it very soon.

In the meantime: