Why It's Ok for a Grown Ass Woman to Read "Twilight"...Sort of.

Ok, so...I was going to try and convince you guys that that whole octopus/shark/secret agent thing happened to me AGAIN and that that was why I hadn't been around for so long, but that would be lying and I think that we can all agree that lying totally doesn't suit me...I mean, it's pretty clear that honesty is practically my middle name and besides, no way are you guys going to buy that all of that stuff happened to me twice. So...the truth is...I've just been working a lot.



(These pants are on fire. Mine aren't. Because honesty is practically my middle name. Just like I told you.)

I went on hiatus from my job with the tissue bank because they got smacked in the face with the recession or some such nonsense, and I was on call all of the time but I was never working and Awesome the First hasn't moved out yet and between him and James, they're going to eat me out of house and home so I had to do SOMETHING and that something was going back to my old gig waiting tables. Which is fine - I'm pretty much awesome at it and people practically throw tips at me...except James and I are still building this new bar/restaurant and so we're both working there all of the time PLUS, I'm still doing all of this jewelry and hair stuff. Basically, I work a trillion hours a week and you guys should ease up on me a little bit because my feet really hurt and I have a weird muscle twitch in my back which won't go away and also, I'm kind of sleepy a lot.

The cool thing is - I meet great people at the bar. Nobody ever talks about politics or religion or bangs their glass on the bar for me to get them another whiskey or gets mad at me because there's no Waylon Jennings on the jukebox or throws up all over the place or anything. Seriously. I'm not lying.



(This guy does NOT hang out at Blue)



Customer #1: What is that? Are you reading Twilight?
Me: Uh...no. That's not mine...I mean...ok, but I have a really good reason...
Customer #2: You're actually a 17 year old girl?
Me: It was James' fault. He made me do it.
James: I made you turn into a 17 year old girl?
Customer #1: I don't think 17 year old girls are allowed to own bars. You might need to leave.
James: Oooh! Yeah! You should go and leave the grown-ups alone!
Me: Ok, but seriously, wait because this is what happened and it really WAS James' fault!

Me: So, anyway, I saw the first movie..with James, I might add...and also, James said that Edward was totally dreamy so he's also a 17 year old girl-
James: Oh pleas-
Me: Shut up, yes you did, you said he was dreamy...and anyway, then the second movie came out and James rented it without me and it was a 48 hour rental and so I watched it because it was there and we'd already paid for it and everything and at the end, the dreamy dude is all, "Marry me, angsty girl," and then the credits rolled and I was all, "hey! what the hell?" so I'm reading the books to find out what happened because I'm impatient.
Customer #1: That's fair.
Customer #2: Ok, you're not a 17 year old girl.
Me: But you know....I went on ancestry.com and found out I really AM part Scottish and that got me thinking about how I'm a Highlander and probably immortal and all-
James: Oh my G-
Me: I'm not dead, so you can't prove that I'm NOT immortal.
Customer #2: She has a point.
Me: Right. Thank you. So anyway, I'm thinking that with my Scottish immortality, and reading all of this vampire stuff, that if I could somehow combine DNA from tortoises and nigerian marathon runners, or something...I mean, I could be really awesome.
Customer #2: Ok...tortoises for the anti-aging properties and the marathon runners for the speed...do you need to sparkle, though?
Me: Not really. I mean, I could always eat glitter, but I'm good without the sparkles.
Customer #1: You need jellyfish.
Customer #2: Why does she need jellyfish?
Customer #1: Because there are these jellyfish that for some reason don't lose their telomeres or something, which is part of their DNA, and as long as their environment is stable, they don't die. So you need jellyfish telomeres.
James: You shouldn't encourage her.
Customer #2: I think she can do it. I think it's a good idea.
Me: And I already have a microscope...I'm practically halfway there.
Customer #2: Plus, if you start combining your DNA with jellyfish, maybe some of the immortal jellyfish are also the bioluminescent kind and then you wouldn't need to sparkle...because you could GLOW.
Me: Oh man...I'm gonna be the coolest person I know.
James: Thanks guys...thanks a lot.
Customer #1: Anytime.

So -



PLUS



PLUS



PLUS



Equals



(Pretty much awesome.)