I've only been to jail once and it was for parking tickets so I don't even have a real criminal record so why are the police here?

As I've mentioned, I'm a struggling and not quite reformed Scrooge. Christmas still stresses me out to no end but getting stuff for the various nieces and nephews is actually kind of fun...I get to be creative and I get to hang out in toy departments, the kids like their stuff and at the end of the day, everybody's happy.

Fot the last 3 years I've gone to this cute little boutique store to get our nephews and nieces Christmas gifts. The people are super friendly, the gifts are creative and awesome, and they wrap everything for free. Perfect.

They had someone new working this year...and not to be a complete jerk, but the lady was clearly stressed out by the holidays. She had what I can only call "holiday hair." Like, when she woke up in the morning, she curled it and sprayed it and probably had it just so but throughout the day she probably kept scratching her head a lot and maybe running her hands through her hair 'cause she was all stressed out and she forgot she had hairspray in there so her hands probably got stuck and in the process of unsticking her hands she just created a knot so that by the time I came in to shop she was all big eyed with some weird half bird's nest, half faux hawk hairdo.

Anyway, I'm a super friendly girl and I won't be put off by bad hair so I smiled and said hi and proceeded to shop.

She looked at me like there were 15 toddlers in the store and I had just told everyone to eff off. Seriously. Like I was a really, really bad person. I kind of stopped for a minute but then I figured I was probably just imagining it...I mean, I have Dr. Seuss on my scarf! I wear flowers in my hair! I'm clearly a giant child and in no way, shape or form a bad person.

I picked out a couple of things and asked her if I could put them on the counter while I kept shopping. She stared at me all big eyed and crazy haired and kind of mumbled what was either "ok, sure" or "please don't kill me while my back is turned"...I couldn't really tell.

I put my things on the counter and smiled at her...like, maybe she was just REALLY stressed out and other customers were mean to her and maybe she just needed somebody to be nice,right? Wrong. Apparently smiling was NOT the right thing to do...she actually backed up a little bit. Um...ok...so I just kept shopping.

Then the police showed up. At first I didn't really take notice of them...I thought that they were there to shop or just do a random store check or something. Except that they stood off to the side...didn't really talk to the counter lady...just kind of chatted to each other...and waited.

I am the only customer in the store. For real. After a minute it becomes pretty obvious that the police are there because I'm there. I spend about half a minute trying to convince myself that no freaking way are they there for me because I have AT THE MOST 2 unpaid parking tickets right now and I'm pretty sure they don't send the cops to arrest you for 2 parking tickets, especially when you're Christmas shopping.(You have to have at least 10 ignored parking tickets to get arrested for it and even then they just issue a bench warrant...or something...not that I would know...moving on)

I considered asking the lady if there was a problem but she seemed to be pretty scared of me already. In my head I imagined myself asking her if there was a problem and her getting all scared and probably crying or something and then the police coming on either side of me and being all, "Ok lady, you're coming with us," at which point I would totally freak out because I watch a lot of cop shows and true crime and I know how easy it is to have a crime pinned on you, especially when your only alibi is probably going to be "I was alone in my house, watching The Pick-Up Artist on VH-1" which nobody is going to believe because everybody knows that if a crime is committed and you're suspected of it, nobody ever believes that you were by yourself, watching t.v. and especially not something as craptastic as "The Pick-Up Artist." So anyway, I didn't say anything to her...I just finished my shopping.

I took everything to the counter and she real quick shoved everything into bags. The gift wrapping stuff was behind her but it was pretty obvious that she wasn't about to do anything that would keep me in the store even a minute longer. She did nervously offer me some boxes to put some of the gifts in so that was a plus. I paid, got all of my stuff, wished her happy holidays and walked out the door and to my car. I looked back and saw the two cops walk over to the door and watch me get into my car...and they kept watching until I drove away.

When I got home I checked my shoes for poo, checked my face and nose for accidental boogers, checked my teeth for spinach, checked my clothes to make sure my boobs weren't falling out of my top or that my fly wasn't unzipped...nothing. Not that any of that stuff would make me a criminal but you know, when people are looking at you funny, that's where you start.

James and I think that I probably look like somebody who is a criminal...like I have a scary criminal twin running around who is terrozing small boutique stores and the cops were called so they could either catch me in the act or protect the freaked out faux hawk lady from whatever kind of scary, creepy stuff my lookalike is doing. Which, if I do actually have a crime committing twin, I'm totally screwed...like I said, I watch a lot of true crime and innocent people get put away all of the time and I already know they're not going to buy my "I was home watching t.v." alibi PLUS now my fingerprints are all over that store. I'm totally going to jail for Christmas.

See? It's stuff like this that keeps me from completely relinquishing my Scroogey ways...stuff like potential wrongful conviction.

P.S. A little advice for those cold winter days...

(found here)


Jenn December 15, 2008 at 10:22 PM  

Oh, that was great! She was seriously stressed out. Love your blog - very entertaining!
(yeahilikeit on twitter)

Courtney December 15, 2008 at 10:28 PM  

hahah, i love your blog! i'm so glad i found it. it definitely keeps me entertained, and good luck with the future in-laws, and not getting arrested. :)

Cade,  December 15, 2008 at 10:34 PM  

That's quite a story and still not sure why they would be there for you especially in a boutique.

The Juice Box December 16, 2008 at 12:46 AM  

Hi. I don't think we know each other but I found your blog through Hyacynth's and it's just hilarious. So I wanted to add you to my blog list, and in case you ever click on other blogs' links like I do and come across yours on mine ... don't be creeped out. I just thought you were cool.


Dizzy Ms. Lizzy December 16, 2008 at 8:51 AM  

Oh for Heaven's sake! What was that woman's problem??? She definitely needs to get a grip - -

Megan December 16, 2008 at 11:04 AM  

I think this is my first time leaving a comment. I just had to tell you I love your blog! I can't remember how I found it, but I have been reading for about two weeks now. Hilarious!

Mike December 16, 2008 at 3:33 PM  

Cleary, she called the Fashion Police.

Anonymous,  December 16, 2008 at 10:23 PM  

How weird!!! Why was she all freaked out?!? I say you go back to the store :)

laura,  December 16, 2008 at 11:35 PM  


That is priceless. Seriously.

Only you, baby.

Slick December 17, 2008 at 1:31 PM  

Geeeeez, just having the cops around like that would've made me nervous...

I would've asked for free wrapping paper at least!

w December 17, 2008 at 2:32 PM  


it would have been nice if - when you got to the counter - just all of the sudden ducked.

idk. sounds logical enough.

Kool Aid December 18, 2008 at 7:22 AM  

Hey Lola,

I wanted to let you know that I've tagged you over at my blog. I love all the beautiful things you make and your posts just crack me up. Have a great day!


Kim Bagwill December 19, 2008 at 8:01 PM  

I'm actually sitting at work past 6 o'clock because I was too ingrossed in your story. (Not that I actually read stuff like blogs or surf the internet on company time - can they arrest you for that, too?) Anyway, excellent story.

John Ross December 21, 2008 at 12:01 AM  

OH my, Lola.

Wow, that just felt great to type.

Oh my, Lola.

Not knowing any Lola's I've never gotten to say that before.

cool. Anyhow, Are you sure you weren't tripping. Yes, I mean really TRIPPING. Back "in the Day" when I used to do that tripping thing, stuff like in your story seemed to be happening to me all the time, & no, It wasn't just me, other people who were there, not tripping, would later say "Oh that was just too wierd", etc.

And That's what your story reminded me of.



p.s. your word verification thing says "plart" very random.

UrbanVox December 21, 2008 at 9:30 AM  


Hyacynth Filippi Worth December 23, 2008 at 7:44 AM  

It's been a week since you updated. Does that mean they found you and arrested you? ;)

Anonymous,  December 30, 2008 at 12:01 AM  

Wow; that is not cool what was done to you. I guess I should consider it funny, but people of color are accustomed to insanity like this. It doesn't matter what we look like or how we dress (I dress very conservatively) how much we make (I do 6 figures), where we were educated (Ivy League grad), we are still treated as criminals. I am glad you emerged from this incident relatively unscathed. Blessings this holiday season. :)

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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