I would so ninja kick bridezilla's ass...seriously.

So, I'm channeling all of my wedding stress into really complex ninja fantasies, where anyone that aggravates me even the slightest bit gets a serious ninja beatdown from me...

At the office supply store, the lady that was standing in front of the paper that I really REALLY needed...the lady that wouldn't move because she had to stand there and talk on the phone...even though she obviously didn't need any paper...and I really did...and this was the 5th store that I'd been to...and I'm super stressed out...and I was all sweet and stuff and she was totally NOT...

...she got the most serious ninja beatdown of them all...

Me: "Excuse me, ma'am, might I just squeeze past you and get that batch of paper there?"
Evil Lady: "Meh...hmphh...no."
Me: "Ma'am, it would only take just a second and I'll be out of your way in a jiffy!" (check out how sweet I am)
Evil Lady: "Pffffffffft...meh." (I KNOW! Can you believe this chick?)
Me: "Ma'am, I suggest you step aside before I unleash the horror."
Evil Lady: "Heh...please....harumph."

...and then I totally did....I unleashed the horror. I grabbed a pack of 30% post consumer recycled cardstock, real quick origami'd them into chinese throwing stars and whipped a swarm of them at her head...

...she was all "Aiiiiieeeeeeee!" and was yelling into her bluetooth head set thing for somebody to help her...but nobody can protect you from "The Horror" (that's my ninja name ~ it's pretty awesome)...then she tried to run but she tripped over her bright orange Crocs because everybody knows that Crocs suck for running...then I did a double back flip and landed on the top shelf where normally you're not even allowed to reach for stuff up there without assistance but I'm a ninja so that doesn't apply to me...anyway, I combined my ninja skills with some wrestler moves and I dropped down and body slammed her. Then I dug my elbows into her back (I do this to James all of the time and he freaks out so I know it hurts pretty bad) and I was all, "Who doesn't get their paper, now, HUH? Meh meh, right? RIGHT????"

...and then my phone rang and I snapped out of it and she wasn't even there anymore so I got my paper.

People are so lucky I'm not a real ninja...yet.

P.S. I was telling James about this and how my ninja name is "The Horror" and he was all, "your ninja name is the whore?" and I was like, "no, it's The Horror, like...I'm scary...I'm The Horror," and he was all, "What's so scary about a whore?" and I was like, "I'm not a WHORE, I'm The Horror, I'm a ninja and that's my ninja name, I'm The Horror, asshole!" and James was like, "Stop yelling about being a whore!" and I was all, "I'm not a whore!!!" and then we remembered we were in a restaurant and people were staring so we told them that we were planning our wedding and everyone kind of nodded knowingly and went back to eating their food because apparently everyone goes through this.

19 comments:

musicjunkie May 15, 2009 at 7:34 AM  

Hee-sterical!

I so needed a good laugh to pep me up this morning. Oh, how I've been missing your blog!

Heather Freeman May 15, 2009 at 7:41 AM  

Origami ninja throwing stars. That is *awesome*.

I'm not going to be able to go past a craft paper display without giggling now!

ElegantSnobbery May 15, 2009 at 9:33 AM  

My ninja name is The Wrath. And I'm frightening... but strangely not to my 2 and 4 year old who don't seem to notice when The Wrath is telling them to knock it off and eat their dinner Right Now.

I guess I need some origami'd ninja stars.

Great post! I laughed and snorted a bit of my coffee. Painful, but worth it.

Insanity Kim May 15, 2009 at 10:10 AM  

If you do not wear pink rhinestone encrusted shuriken earrings, and slay a dragon pinata filled with Lee Press-on Nails at your wedding I will be SO disappointed!

Vic May 15, 2009 at 4:21 PM  

I like the way you ended up on the top shelf after your awesome ninja leaping.

Go Horror!!

Pogue May 16, 2009 at 8:09 AM  

Dude, I didn't want to mention it, but I can't tell you how long I've been waiting for a ninja/ass kicking-themed blog from you! This was a wild ride, and I just got done watching "Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans", so that's saying something.

Tessa May 16, 2009 at 10:10 AM  

Go Horror! Go Horror! Go Horror!

:D

w May 16, 2009 at 10:53 PM  

my ninja name is pièce de résistance. people just call me yo ninja pee.

it's sad really.

dcr May 17, 2009 at 12:25 AM  

My ninja name cannot be spoken.

Kearsie May 18, 2009 at 11:59 AM  

Dude, I think I know why she didn't move. She just didn't speak English..."meh...pfffffft...heh" see, these are things the Indian guy who works at the gas station I frequent says. Along with, "$1.50 for that Slurpee".

Murray May 20, 2009 at 6:36 AM  

You are my hero of bloggers! Seriously. You never fail to crack me up.

Speaking of the whole "whore" misunderstanding...I was watching a local real estate show and I swear to God the announcer said "...and French whores open up to the patio."

When you think of it, in this economy French whores hanging on the patio might help sales.

Cheers!
(p.s.: I'm totally voting for your use of "the Final Countdown" as your wedding march.)

Murray May 20, 2009 at 6:42 AM  

You are my hero of bloggers! Seriously. You never fail to crack me up.

Speaking of the whole "whore" misunderstanding, I was watching a local real estate show and I swear the announcer said "...and French whores open up to the patio.)

Actually when you think about it, in this economy maybe French whores hanging on the patio might help seal the deal, so to speak.

Cheers!
(p.s.: I'm so voting for "The Final Countdown" as your wedding march.)

jeweledrabbit/Maureen May 20, 2009 at 8:04 PM  

Good for you for opening up a can of ninja whoopass on that inconsiderate b*&^h!

Blond Across the Pond May 20, 2009 at 9:46 PM  

I hate Crocs. Also, I'm back from my wedding. It was wonderful and you're going to love going through it all but whew, the relief when it's over is also FAB. Plus, Kingsley and I really started getting along again and loving each other after we said the vows and chilled the heck out.

Dejavu Sex Shop May 21, 2009 at 5:30 AM  

how long I've been waiting for a ninja/ass sex shop kicking-themed blog from you! This was a wild ride, and I just got done watching "Underworld sex shop

NawlinsVamp,  May 21, 2009 at 6:18 PM  

The funniest part of this entry is that here in New Orleans, we say "harra" instead of "horror" so when I read this entry out loud to Will, neither of us got it at first because of our accents. :)

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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