What to Expect When Your Friends are Expecting
by Jessica Benassi
Professional Expert on Being Friends with Pregnant People
When your friends get pregnant, they're going to be very fragile and they should be treated like stuff that gets broken easily. Pregnant women are also usually not thinking clearly, so they're going to think that they can do regular people type stuff, but that's simply not true.
Pregnant people can NOT do regular people type stuff. They're pregnant.
Anyway, the moral to the story is: pregnant people are fragile, but they don't realize they're fragile because of all the extra pregnant people hormones, so they think that they can do regular people stuff, and it's your duty to stop them and keep them safe from harm. Also, don't let them go to the movies because their water will probably break and everyone will fall down. Also, don't let them drive cars, walk on the outside of the sidewalk, open doors or carry their own purse. If you have someplace near you that rents tanks, you should probably look into that.
I don't like to brag, but my friend just had the best baby ever and it's almost entirely due to these protective measures that I implemented.
Also, once the baby is here, don't let me hold it. Babies freak me out. I don't want to break your baby.
I also don't want your baby to eat me.
P.S. I'm 100% self employed now and I'm so scared about it that all I do is walk around peeing my pants. You can stop me from peeing my pants all of the time by liking me on facebook and also going to my online store and buying a gazillion things and also tell all of your friends and family. I mean, tell them about the store. Don't tell them I pee my pants. Some people are weird about that.