That one time that I didn't have tetanus, won some awards and decided to get married.

I know I'm really super late with this post but I have a whole buttload of really fantastic excuses AND some of them are even true. (Ok, so originally I was going to write "assload" but then I remembered that I'm trying to be less offensive online than I am in real life so I put "buttload" instead and then I remembered that one of my college chemistry professors once told me that a "buttload" was a real unit of measurement back in the days of yore and I wasn't sure if he was lying to me then and I just remembered so I looked it up and all I found was a bunch of crap about a "buttload" of Teenage Mutant Ninja Nurtles, drugs and hookers...for real. So, you know...be careful of your chemistry teacher, because he can totally lead you down the wrong path. Also, I really thought that I would find that buttload WAS an actual unit of measurement and my blog could start to be informative and useful but instead I just wasted some more of your time and swore at you. Sorry.)

So, our house is falling down around us. Our water heater blew up and then, about 5 days later our upstairs bathroom sink started leaking and we had to rip out the ceiling downstairs and replace a bunch of old copper pipes because our house is a gazillion years old. Do you guys have any idea how difficult and time consuming it is to fix all of that stuff on your own??? Yeah...me either but James was really bitching about it so I'm guessing it wasn't fun. I was trying to watch my Sunday night reality t.v. shows and he kept swearing and banging on stuff and yelling for me to help and it was really distracting. I had to turn the t.v. up almost full blast just to be able to hear everybody on "Rock of Love." I kept telling him to keep it down but I think we've already established the fact that he's pretty selfish and only cares about himself...seriously, he kept hammering and yelling even when I was trying to watch "The Real Housewives of New York City" which is total crap because the housewives are always whispering rude stuff to each other and I really need to be able to hear that.

Anyway, after the house fiasco was over, we got a letter that confirmed our purchase of a bunch of Cubs tickets this summer...

...which means we finally have a wedding date. We're having a ridiculous, fun, totally non-traditional wedding and going to a Cubs game is a huge part of that and we had to wait for tickets to go on sale and then see if we could actually get them and also, this is something like the 27th time we've tried to plan our wedding so when we got that letter we kind of freaked out a little bit. So, you know, that's been kind of distracting.

Then, I was going to write a post earlier today but I was pretty sure I had tetanus so I had to spend a long time online diagnosing myself and mentally planning my funeral and writing my own eulogy and picking out the perfect song ("Who Wants to Live Forever" by Queen and also I'd like someone to start a rumor that I'm a Highlander and that I'm probably really not dead) and I was getting seriously emotional and crying a little bit because funerals are pretty sad...and then I remembered that I wacked myself in the jaw with the car door while I was bringing groceries in so, you know... good news everybody! I'm ok, I just beat myself up again. Of course.

Anyway, the real point of this post is to tell you that I won some blogger awards this week. Maureen at Jeweled Rabbit gave me a Lemonade Award and Erica at Copperseal gave me a Cute's Blogger Award. I'm supposed to accept and do some stuff and then tell you to do some stuff but here's the thing: Last time I won an award I did my part and then I tagged all of you and you guys were all supposed to give me five dollars and I'm not naming names or pointing fingers or anything but not one of you gave me five bucks. It's like...it just kind of takes away the legitimacy of blogger awards when you guys won't even play by the rules, you know? Anyway, I graciously accept these awards and once again I tag all of you back and once again I would really like that five bucks you owe me. I'm supposed to share a list of things about myself but I'm obviously a pretty private person so instead I thought that this would be a really great opportunity to share the list of imaginary baby names I've been considering.
Ahem...

1. Ignatius Letterman Esquire, XIII
2. Orbit Twitter Jones
3. Horatio Cane CSI Junior
4. Ash Campbell
5. Brooklyn Mogwai Ewok
6. Prince Kanye Crimefighter
7. Awesome the First
8. Moon Unit Stefani
9. Pirate Rainbow Depp
10. Inspektor Orange Julius Timberlake

P.S. This whole wedding and imaginary baby thing has made me start thinking about the future...



Via American Copywriter

P.P.S. I felt so bad about not updating in over a week that I am currently updating this through a blinding migraine. Seriously. I forgot to drink coffee today and now it's too late so it feels like my eyeballs are melting out of my skull and this post may have suffered because of it but really, I did it for you so if my blog sucks, you have no one to blame but yourselves. Also, don't forget that five dollars.

20 comments:

Pogue February 21, 2009 at 9:09 AM  

You ARE a Highlander! I'm pretty sure...

Awesome the First?!?! Awesome the Fuck Yeah!! Wow.

You've outdone yourself. Great post. Not, like, 5 bucks great, but really, really good.

Also, I really enjoy the "label" tags at the bottom of your posts. I don't know if you enter them or if they're done automatically, but this post's labels reads: best baby names, buttload, house, tetanus. Makes sense to me.

Insanity Kim February 21, 2009 at 9:27 AM  

Wow...you are committed,

as am I, for I am leaving this comment while I suffer through a horrible bout with explosive gas. If I don't finish this comment, it's because my as-er butt exploded and my laptop crashed through the wall and broke a buttload of my copper pipes (not a Beyonce load, more of a Queen Latifa, nay, an Oprah load).

I suggest my word verification thingie for your babyname. It is bultifar, and I suggest you don't use a capital at the beginning because it mi

Chimera Crochet February 21, 2009 at 9:43 AM  

My vote is for Orbit Twitter Jones.

copperseal February 21, 2009 at 10:52 AM  

way to play the Guilt Card, Lola. jesus now i have to hock up the $5 because you actually linked back to my blog and not that i'm a cheap ass or anything but its actually going to end up being $6.85 since i dont have a paypal and now have to manually ship you a $5 bill. possibly with a note on it saying "For Horatio Cane CSI Junior's first ugly newborn baby makeover - with love"

because although your his mother, it's going to need that.

Kathleen Coy February 21, 2009 at 10:52 AM  

Wow, James really is an insensitive bastard, isn't he??? (Can I say bastard on your blog?) OMG, you're getting married! And part of involves a Cubs Game??? You guys are so cool, James is the best! Can part of your tagging everybody involve coming to your wedding instead of us paying you five dollars? My hubby has always wanted to see a Cubs Game...

PS. Inspector Orange Julius gets my vote!

PPS. (Or is that PSS?) More patio lights for you!

Rachel February 21, 2009 at 2:17 PM  

I am actually reading this blog through a blinding migraine. You must be awesome.

jeweledrabbit February 21, 2009 at 8:30 PM  

At the current exchange rate, $5 CDN equals $4 US. You still want it? :p

I'm no stranger to blinding migraines myself, so you have my kudos on blogging while in the throes of one.

jeweledrabbit February 21, 2009 at 8:30 PM  

Oh, and do you realize you're the queen of the run-on sentence? :p

Blond Across the Pond February 21, 2009 at 9:17 PM  

K, I thought we were doing some outrageous things for our wedding but a Cubs game is AWESOME! I want to hear more...Congrats!

dcr February 22, 2009 at 11:30 PM  

Do I get a vote? If so, I vote for Orbit Twitter Jones.

If I don't get a vote, I still cast my vote for Orbit Twitter Jones and I'm sneaking that vote into the ballot box when you're not looking so you won't know it was me that cast the deciding vote.

Violet February 23, 2009 at 4:49 AM  

But I DID send my $5...my imaginary $5.

carrie February 23, 2009 at 9:09 AM  

with you being such a private person and all, I am totally not sure how you got through that post at all.

and? I want to see a picture of your Bee Gees record player. Find it. Don't hold out on me.

Sarah D February 23, 2009 at 1:02 PM  

Lola (I was about to use your real name, but then I wondered if that was allowed) you really are my favorite. There's no one else like you, and it's just so wonderful. Your blog is a hoot. I know you told me to be funny on mine, but I don't think I can even compete with this one! Thanks for your comments, you are wonderful. And...um, on a more serious note..

oy is copyrighted. I adore you, but I'm going to have to sue you anyone. It's not personal. You understand.

my vote is for Awesome the First.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy February 23, 2009 at 1:05 PM  

Um, I am Awesome the First, so your kid will have to be Awesome the Second. Or the First Imaginary Awesome, or something like that.

Just sayin.

Emily February 23, 2009 at 1:56 PM  

So, my vote goes to Inspektor Orange Julius Timberlake...but I'm fine if you decide on Prince Kanye Crimefighter instead. Seriously, I'll be fine.

P.S.~ I totally heard that this girl Jessica is a highlander...Can you believe that?

Nicole oh-so Lovely February 23, 2009 at 3:19 PM  

I'm glad all is going well for your imaginary baby...i can only imagine the confusion of the ultra sound and trying to figure out the gender of the lil guy/girl/it. when he/she/it is born please send a picture to us for our website www.yourbabyisanasshole.com

thank you!

Captain Dumbass February 24, 2009 at 1:16 PM  

That was beautiful in so many many ways.

Jennifer February 25, 2009 at 7:42 PM  

You are awesome. This post made my day. But I'm still not sending you $5.

elfini March 6, 2009 at 11:35 PM  

I totally read #7 as "Awesome the Fist"!
Now that would be a good imaginary baby name.

Hyacynth Filippi Worth March 23, 2009 at 10:09 AM  

John saw the post and wanted me to send you this:

butt –noun
1. a large cask for wine, beer, or ale.
2. any cask or barrel.
3. any of various units of capacity, usually considered equal to two hogsheads.


Origin:
1350–1400; ME bote < AF bo(u)t(e); MF < OPr bota < LL butta, buttis, akin to Gk boût(t)is

So your chem prof was right. You've got at least two hogsheads worth of things to say.

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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