If you came here looking for ass bunnies and hot noodles...I'm not really sure what to say to you.

So, really, really exciting news this week...I'm the first thing that comes up if you Google "ass bunnies." Seriously. It's almost like I'm famous. Also, lots and lots and lots of people Google "ass bunnies" and end up on my blog. I have one of those narcissistic stat tracker things and I totally see you, guy in Italy! Somehow I don't think I'm what they were looking for, but hey...I'll take what I can get. If I need to be the ass bunny queen to get people over here, then I'm willing to wear that title. Proudly.

In other "things-that-seem-like-porn-but-really-aren't-porn" news: I totally slapped myself in the face with a hot noodle.*

This would normally not be news except for the fact that it was ridiculously hot and half of my lip immediately blew up to about 3 times it's normal size. This would also not really be news except apparently I needed to teach myself a lesson or something...so about an hour later I went ahead and dropped a gazillion pound coffee table book** on my face. My lip cracked in half and started bleeding all over the place and I got all freaked out and fell back over a giant box of crap that I probably don't even need and hit my head on the wall and now half of my lip is a different color and all swollen and cartoony looking and part of my cheek is blue/green and I think I'm the only person I know who gets beat up by a cat and her own self in the same week. So...you know...if I picked a fight with you and you were thinking about fighting back...you should probably think again. I mean...if I can't even defend myself against me, you probably don't stand a chance (plus, I wouldn't hesitate to throw the cat at you. Not even for a second.) Actually, if I weren't halfway through my 32nd trimester right now, I'd seriously consider a career in UFC fighting or something.

Also, I told James that he wasn't the father of my imaginary baby and he was all, "So," and then I told him that I needed $599 so I could become a doctor and he was all, "Ok," which is total crap because who the hell wants to read about a guy that's all laid back and accommodating and nice all of the time? So now, as if I'm not stressed out enough with the pregnancy and all, I have to deal with him being all selfish and stuff.

Anyway, the baby is due in June or October or something so I'm going to start thinking really seriously about names...as soon as I inform the new father ...who is somebody really high up at the Orbit Gum company...who should probably start thinking about alimony or palimony or abalone or cryptozoolimony or whatever it is where you give me lots of Orbit Gum and a weekly allowance because you imaginarily knocked me up, you bastard.



P.S. If anyone is thinking of throwing me a baby shower, these cakes are totally creepy and totally inappropriate...make sure it's lemon flavored, please:







(via Cakewrecks )


*Trying to see if spaghetti noodles were done...they were.
**Trying to get something from the top shelf of the closet...something that wasn't there. Of course.

19 comments:

Pogue February 13, 2009 at 6:17 AM  

Oh, hey, did you guys hear? Yeah, Jessica's totally having my imaginary baby! Yeah, it's mine. No, really. I know, it's crazy, huh?

I told you I'd do it. That imaginary baby is mine, and there's nothing you can do about it. Now for the dead beat dad part...

Shit, that baby ain't my problem. I got stock-car races tonight. See you on Monday, maybe.

Insanity Kim February 13, 2009 at 11:25 AM  

Holy Crap! Was that a threat in there?

If you come near me, wielding a wet boiling noodle, ass bunnies, a baby cake and a rabid claw-bearing cat I am SO running faster than Carl Lewis in the other direction! And I HATE running! I only run after ice cream trucks and of course, when Jason chases me on Friday the 13th...

Thank goodness you make me laugh so hard...that stops me from wanting to get a restraining order...

Laura February 13, 2009 at 11:40 AM  

Tell the truth .... you have a goal to make me pee my pants right .....
All of the cakes are creepy especially the pregnant man in the bathtub that is giving birth to the cake.

Sara at Soap Rehab February 13, 2009 at 3:21 PM  

Congrats on your imaginary baby! I am going to adopt one for my sister. It's high time she had an imaginary baby so I can be an imaginary Auntie.

Denae February 13, 2009 at 9:14 PM  

I'm still at work at 7:13 on a Friday night because I always work until 11:30 on weeknights and I needed a break so I checked your blog and seriously...you are hilarious. I also laughed out loud at the creepy cakes.

Violet February 13, 2009 at 9:57 PM  

Well, dammit...I only came for the ass bunnies.

NOW what do I do?

Jennifer February 14, 2009 at 4:22 AM  

This post is totally awesome! ROTFL!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy February 14, 2009 at 9:33 AM  

Sorry, I had an infestation...

Awesome cakes. Especially for all your cannibal friends.

Insanity Kim February 14, 2009 at 3:40 PM  

Your secondary threat is heeded, but, I have many imaginary body guards to protect me AND alien friends who love to abduct people for implantation experiments...

BTW "Guest blogger" just read this post, and told me that you, by requesting a lemon-flavored human baby cake, are sure to serve 1,845 years in prison after I *COUGH COUGH* she rats you out while serving time for the(alleged)car floor carpools...hopefully your pregnancy will be over by then, delivering on a cell room floor is very unsanitary...

carrie February 15, 2009 at 12:20 AM  

I just about spit my soy milk all over my laptop screen. Where do you get those pictures? Crack up.

By the way, soy in Spanish is I Am, so soy milk would mean "I am milk"

That's what my husband always tells me anyway. He could be lying and I'd never know.

Kathleen Coy February 15, 2009 at 10:43 AM  

LOVE Cakewrecks! Also, glad to see you have goodies in your shop again...nice!

Helen February 15, 2009 at 9:26 PM  

Oh my god- the 3rd cake looks like a dead baby. "Oh yes, please make me a cake for my best friend's shower that has what looks like a DEAD BABY on it"....yes, that will lighten up the baby shower big time!

LOL!!!

jeweledrabbit February 16, 2009 at 2:31 PM  

I don't like those cakes. That is all.

jeweledrabbit February 16, 2009 at 3:15 PM  

Hi Jessica,

I've nominated you for a Lemonade Award for bloggers who show great gratitude or attitude. Details on my blog:

http://jeweledrabbit.blogspot.com/2009/02/i-won-lemonade-award_16.html

Maureen

Glasstastic Treasures February 18, 2009 at 7:47 PM  

I say the guy from Italy totally got you pregnant. They are very romantic lovers, after all!!
Even over the internet.

And your work friend is totally jealous because of Italy guy!

C.S. Perry February 20, 2009 at 10:48 AM  

I dreamt of cakes like that all through puberty.

Rachel Tamed February 20, 2009 at 1:07 PM  

I so want to buy one of those cakes for a birthday party or something, and pretend like I have no idea that it is strange.

Debbie February 24, 2009 at 4:43 AM  

Insomnia struck and I found you and now I'm crying I'm laughing so hard. Thanks!!

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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