A brief history.

Here's a fun piece of Hey Lola trivia: I’m a high school drop-out.

I only feel comfortable saying that now because I am also a college graduate. None of that is important, though…what is important is that employers tend to view high school drop-outs as…oh, I don’t know…like, uneducated or something and it’s kind of hard to get a good job. I’ve had a whole series of not-good jobs. Funnel cake maker at the fair? Check. Truck stop waitress? Check. General manager of the world’s worst strip club? Check. Cocktail girl at sleazy cockroach infested Los Angeles bbq joint? Check.

I’ve probably had more bad jobs than Beyonce has bad “my mama made this for me” outfits. The strip club job was the best though…that was the one that finally convinced me it was time to go to college. There are really only so many times that a one legged, snaggle toothed stripper can threaten to beat you with her curling iron before you start thinking to yourself, ”you know…this kind of really sucks.” I was “lucky” enough to get that job when I was calling around looking for a bartending job. A friend of mine owned a club and said that although he really didn’t need a bartender, he could certainly use someone to boss everyone around and look important. Ta da! Sign me up, I’m your girl.

It was not-awesome from the moment I walked in the door. There wasn’t really any security so much as there was me and my computer behind the front desk, doing paperwork in between checking IDs and trying to explain our dress code to local gangster-types. Occasionally I would take a break from the front desk to make sure that no one was snorting Ajax in the dressing room, that local drug dealers weren't hiding drugs in the ceiling tiles again or that our resident “chef” had washed his hands after one of his many visits to the bathroom. As bad as all of that was, it really wasn’t until I had to go to court and publicly identify a local thug as being the guy who was randomly shooting things in the parking lot that I thought to myself, “you know…not only does this kinda suck…but I’m also kinda fearing for my life a little bit.” (did you know that when you’re identifying a gangsta-thug in court that they actually make you point at him! Just like on t.v! Only it’s not t.v. and it’s scarier than s%*t and I came close to passing out and I tried to make the whole situation better by smiling at the guy when I pointed at him which in hindsight was probably not the smartest thing to do and whenever I’m out in public now and I see people who even vaguely resemble him, I hide behind a bush) Shortly after, I threw a dart at a list of possible college majors, came up with biology, and embarked on a new career as “the oldest kid in every single class at college who who somehow managed to escape without a ‘kick me’ sign on her back or being shoved in a locker.” It actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be...the end result was a super-sweet degree, a real job that I actually love, and not nearly as much fearing for my life.

…I think I had a pretty good conclusion to this post but someone just told me that my purse looked like a giant vagina and now I can’t remember what I was going to write…


So I guess the lesson to be learned here is don’t write about really empowering things like going back to school when you’re in coffee shops where people you know work and they can distract you by comparing your purse to genitalia.

The End.

17 comments:

elfini November 19, 2008 at 5:58 PM  

I worked at a sign shop years ago and made some parking lot signs for the Spearmint Rhino. And that random sign job somehow got me subpoenaed by the DA! But enough with the trips down memory lane, I need to go take another look at my purse!

Rachel November 19, 2008 at 8:48 PM  

ooh yes I remember working as a 'model' for a college art professor who will not be named-- and um, I think he sort of wanted me to do more than model. It was at that point that I quickly quit that job and immediately enrolled in classes. But no one ever told me that my purse resembled any body parts.

Tabmade November 19, 2008 at 9:17 PM  

Your blog needs to stop making me procrastinate school work with its funniness. Seriously, quit it!

Jessica November 19, 2008 at 9:49 PM  

Rachel: Yeah...my purses have always just looked like...purses. Strange...now I'm totally obsessing about my purse.

Elfini: Whoa...for making signs? That's crazy!

Tabmade: I can't help it. Everything is funny, all of the time...I think the universe bestowed all the funny on me to make up for the creepy gangster stripclub stuff. Also...go study!

Ted and/or Laura November 19, 2008 at 10:18 PM  

what...no photo of the purse?! Sigh.

~ Pinkrunningshoes

Helen November 19, 2008 at 10:36 PM  

trying to picture how a purse can look like a vagina...I did see a sofa once which was designed to look like a vagina though....

Jessica November 19, 2008 at 10:56 PM  

Helen: Oh man...where? I need to see it! Also - I'm just not sure why you would design anything to look like a vagina, outside of like...porn movie props or something.

Jessica November 19, 2008 at 10:59 PM  

Ted and/or Laura - Look-I can't go posting pictures of the vagina purse on the internet. I'm trying to be PG here and the more I look at my purse the more it really does look obscene.

Helen November 19, 2008 at 11:08 PM  

ok, you asked for it:-)
http://www.canow.org/canoworg/2008/02/what-a-lovely-s.html

Jessica November 19, 2008 at 11:16 PM  

Helen: That's insane. You know I have to post that, right? I can't NOT share that with the world. Also, I don't even know how to react...I'm laughing...I'm confused...slightly embarassed...and I kind of want one of my own.

Jessica November 19, 2008 at 11:16 PM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
Helen November 19, 2008 at 11:37 PM  

Post it girl! My husband showed me this a while ago. An art student made it and was trying to sell it on craigslist. I wonder if she ever sold it and where it is now:-)

Jessica November 20, 2008 at 12:19 AM  

Helen: Awesome...I think I'll do it tomorrow:) Thanks!

Liela November 20, 2008 at 12:21 AM  

Um. I think I have a girl crush on you now. You're hilarious.

laura,  November 20, 2008 at 12:26 AM  

Yeah, we have to see it.
Scott the boyfriend said so.

Jessica November 20, 2008 at 1:21 PM  

Liela: I will take all the love I can get, in whatever form it comes in.
Laura: No. It's gross...and obscene...and perverted.

UrbanVox November 20, 2008 at 7:11 PM  

OR...
don't wear your genitalia... sorry bag around!
do not leave the poor thing exposed... :)
hehehe

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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