47% of everything Google says is 97% true which is why it's ok to use it as a substitute for a marriage counselor. Usually.

The other night when all of the plumbing in the freezing cold basement at our place broke, James and I got into a huge fight. Obviously. Everybody knows that a gigantic fight is the first step in fixing a plumbing problem. It went something along the lines of:

Me: No! Water!
James: Broken. Everything's broken.
Me: Fix water!
James: Can't. Broken.
Me: Water feet! Cold! YOU!
James: Quiet! Broken water!
Me: No. YOU quiet!
James: Smell bad!
Me: You smell bad!
James: Water smell bad! Stupid!

I think we went back and forth like that for something like 76 years until a plumber showed up. When I got home I started googling ways to save my marriage, because everybody knows that 47% of marriages fail because people don't use google after a fight, and also because google is the answer for everything.

Google said that James and I should roleplay so that we can understand each other better, but when I talked to him about it he was all resistant because he hates marriage, and also, he hates fun.

Me: Google says that we're supposed to dress up like the Real Housewives of Atlanta so we can save our marriage.
James: Save our marriage from what?
Me: From ourself...selves.
James: Ourselfselves?
Me: Whatever. Anyway, I bought you this wig. Put it on.
James: I'm not putting on that wig, and also, why are you still wearing the tampon shoes?
Me: I know. I can't take them off, though. They're so warm on my toes. Also, check out my weave.
James: You know we have mirrors here that you can use?
Me: I can't believe we're on the brink of divorce and you won't even wear this wig to save our marriage.
James: I'm pretty sure our marriage will be ok without me wearing that wig.
Me: I can't wait until you fall asleep so we can roleplay like Google told us to.



8 comments:

Venom January 27, 2011 at 11:18 PM  

I love how James is smiling as he brings out the firehose. Has he threatened to hose you down?

Steam Me Up, Kid January 28, 2011 at 12:56 AM  

Even without the giant waterlogged tampon, this is awesome. But the giant waterlogged tampon is like the giant waterlogged tampon cherry on top.

Giant waterlogged tampon.

Rebecca Grace January 30, 2011 at 8:22 AM  

Hee hee hee... I thought the hose might be a paint ball gun at first -- forgot all about what happens when those super tampons get wet!

Alexandra Dare January 31, 2011 at 7:54 PM  

Hey Lola. Maybe you should substitute the tampon shoes with gnome socks. It's worth a try. And probably they won't kill you.

And I just noticed that the gnome socks are out of stock. I guess gnome socks are popular tampon shoe substitutes. But at least now you have an idea for an alternative form of footwear.

Jayme Amber February 2, 2011 at 4:22 PM  

Google has never helped my marriage. At best it's only made me feel more anxious about the things I wasn't doing. Like "fighting fairly". What kind of B.S. is that Google?

Kitty February 3, 2011 at 11:39 PM  

"google lies"

You KILL me. So, how is Britney Spears these days. Seems like you dumped her for Oprah.

Insanitykim February 18, 2011 at 3:18 PM  

You're obvs not using Google correctly, because it would have told you to stop wearing tampons as shoes, and to use them to fix water pipes...psh.

Real housewives are married...to...houses?

Must Google that.

I had to Google all the Resident Evil movie plots just so I could understand why there there zombies and why I should be jealous of Milla Jovovich...

Pogue December 12, 2011 at 1:34 AM  

Dude, seriously, all plumbers are snakes. Boooooom. See what I did there. Dang.

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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