Wearing tampons as shoes will not win you Oprah's love. Not even close.
James and I own a teeny tiny restaurant in a really, really old building. The plumbing is stupid, as most plumbing in old buildings is. I don't want to get into too many details, but about an hour after I got to work tonight I smelled like a sewer, I was covered in black sludge, my lips were blue and I had bar towels taped around my feet. I went in the bathroom and scrubbed some of the black sludge off of me, and doused myself in diffuser oil to cover the smell. As I walked out, one of our customers stopped me...
"What's going on with your feet?"
"Oh...see it's this thing wi-"
"Whatever. You look like you have tampons on your feet."
And she walked away.
I looked down...
...and I looked like I had giant tampons on my feet.
And I smelled like cinnamon apple crap.
I think this is why Oprah has never called me.
She's scared of the stupid that follows me everywhere I go.
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13 comments:
I cannot even begin to tell you how hard I laughed when Oprah popped back in frame with the evil eyes after you disparaged her.
Ha-larious!!!
I'm weeping... so damn funny. The expressions on Oprah's faces--HILARIOUS.
But seriously, what's going on with your hair?
I just laughed so hard I peed my pants. Luckily, I had huge tampons on my feet, so it wasn't much of a mess.
tampons are nothing new in my birth country. read: foot binding.
this is how come my feet are perfectly petite and ovalish in shape.
also. the strings are usually tied around the tampons so as to not cause the person wearing them to trip.
word.
You are so talented -- not only a terrific comic writer, but you do cartoons, too?! It could have been worse. You could have spilled spaghetti sauce or ketchup all over your giant tampon feet. I'm just sayin' -- look on the bright side! :-)
Dude, I'm so sick of everyone being like, "Oh, you're so funny this was really great."
But, seriously, it really was very, very good, and extrememly funny. Good series of posts.
Also, Rustie already says "dang" a lot,, and I've really taken to it, too, so please back off. Dang is taken. Got it?
I'm so glad you're my friend.
You're my friend, right?
...
Even if you're not, this was awesome.
Be my friend.
Be.it.
OMG. Oprah can read your mind? I'm not surprised. There is something totally creepy about her. Now it all makes sense.
PS: You are hilarious.
HAHAHAHHAHA YES!
That is the scariest looking Oprah I think I've ever seen.
I mean....the 'do...WOW. Just...WOW.
And, I am totally on your side, by the way. We Jessica's have to stick together.
It's all funny until Oprah's secret police show up and throw you in the back of a van.
Oprah's hair has never looked better. And at least they didn't look like used tampons? Silver lining? Yeah, me either.
lol- I can relate to the biz story- my husband has own his biz for 30 years and I have been in Biz for 6- crazy stuff does happen- so it is awesome to have a sense of humor:)
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