Wearing tampons as shoes will not win you Oprah's love. Not even close.

James and I own a teeny tiny restaurant in a really, really old building. The plumbing is stupid, as most plumbing in old buildings is. I don't want to get into too many details, but about an hour after I got to work tonight I smelled like a sewer, I was covered in black sludge, my lips were blue and I had bar towels taped around my feet. I went in the bathroom and scrubbed some of the black sludge off of me, and doused myself in diffuser oil to cover the smell. As I walked out, one of our customers stopped me...
"What's going on with your feet?"

"Oh...see it's this thing wi-"
"Whatever. You look like you have tampons on your feet."
And she walked away.
I looked down...

...and I looked like I had giant tampons on my feet.

And I smelled like cinnamon apple crap.

I think this is why Oprah has never called me.

She's scared of the stupid that follows me everywhere I go.

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