Because telling me earlier would have been too easy.

On the way to the dentist (James has to drive me. The grill phobia is severe and I require hand holding):

Me: Do you think they can just replace all of your teeth?
James: Maybe. I'm pretty sure you don't need to have all of your teeth replaced, though.
Me: But if they could just yank them all out and give me brand new ones...I mean, why not? My mouth is completely jacked anyway...
James: Your mouth is not "jacked" and I think they would probably only do a few teeth at a time. I think replacing all of your teeth at once might be pretty traumatic.
Me: Whatever. I'd rather have it all done at once than a little bit at a time anyway. OOH!! I'd have to drink everything through a straw! Think about how skinny I'd be!
James: You'd be like boobs on a stick.
Me: I would be like boobs on a stick! That's ok. I've actually been called that before...Oh no...wait...bad idea. My head...can you imagine how freaking huge my head would look if I lost a bunch of weight?
James: You'd probably end up looking like a blowpop with boobs.
Me: Yeah. No way can I get my whole grill replaced at once.

My dentist assured me that my teeth are not rotting out of my head and are in fact, pretty healthy teeth. I just needed a new filling. (I don't want anyone to take this the wrong way 'cause I actually really like everyone at my dentist's office but I'm pretty sure they're all a bunch of liars - They always tell me my teeth are fine but I know my grill is messed up - I dream that my teeth fall out all of the time and dreams don't lie.)

Anyway, I have some weird resistance to novocaine which means I require far more than the average person...which James really loves because he has a fun little needle phobia. Since I need him to hold my hand throughout the entire dental process, he gets to watch me get shot in the face not once but multiple times with a gigantic, freaky, World War I era-looking syringe.

The dentist really is just fun for the whole family.

Afterwards, I celebrated my shiny new porcelain filling by awkwardly trying to eat a big bowl of mashed potatoes, using only one side of my mouth. Later on in the evening, as I was thanking James for being such a sport about the big needle and taking me to the dentist he interrupted me and said, in his most concerned and serious voice, "You know you've had mashed potatoes all over your face for most of the day, right?"

6 comments:

The Verbal Warrior November 12, 2008 at 7:34 AM  

http://www.meaning-of-dreams.net/dreams/tooth.html
Check that out :)

My husband has the same dismay with all things dentistly.

Mashed potatoes can be fun to wear. Sometimes!

Gifted Designs November 12, 2008 at 11:18 AM  

He's a man...of course it would have been too easy.

I'm sorry, but I'm sitting here sick as a dog and giggling my butt off. It's not doing much for my sore stomach, but they say karma's a bitch!...:D

Kathleen November 12, 2008 at 2:09 PM  

I have visions of Steve Martin singing "I am your dentist..." from Little Shop of Horrors...

Dizzy Ms. Lizzy November 12, 2008 at 8:48 PM  

a blowpop with boobs - - PRICELESS! :-)

Anonymous,  November 14, 2008 at 2:27 AM  

Yeah, you've been a titistick before. i've seen you.
But i'm all pissy now because the last sentence made me spew wine.
Scott is going to ask what the hell happened to the monitor and i'm either going to blame you or the dog.

Which would he be most likely to believe?

soul neighbor,  November 14, 2008 at 2:28 AM  

Ummm that was me.

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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