Because telling me earlier would have been too easy.

On the way to the dentist (James has to drive me. The grill phobia is severe and I require hand holding):

Me: Do you think they can just replace all of your teeth?
James: Maybe. I'm pretty sure you don't need to have all of your teeth replaced, though.
Me: But if they could just yank them all out and give me brand new ones...I mean, why not? My mouth is completely jacked anyway...
James: Your mouth is not "jacked" and I think they would probably only do a few teeth at a time. I think replacing all of your teeth at once might be pretty traumatic.
Me: Whatever. I'd rather have it all done at once than a little bit at a time anyway. OOH!! I'd have to drink everything through a straw! Think about how skinny I'd be!
James: You'd be like boobs on a stick.
Me: I would be like boobs on a stick! That's ok. I've actually been called that before...Oh no...wait...bad idea. My head...can you imagine how freaking huge my head would look if I lost a bunch of weight?
James: You'd probably end up looking like a blowpop with boobs.
Me: Yeah. No way can I get my whole grill replaced at once.

My dentist assured me that my teeth are not rotting out of my head and are in fact, pretty healthy teeth. I just needed a new filling. (I don't want anyone to take this the wrong way 'cause I actually really like everyone at my dentist's office but I'm pretty sure they're all a bunch of liars - They always tell me my teeth are fine but I know my grill is messed up - I dream that my teeth fall out all of the time and dreams don't lie.)

Anyway, I have some weird resistance to novocaine which means I require far more than the average person...which James really loves because he has a fun little needle phobia. Since I need him to hold my hand throughout the entire dental process, he gets to watch me get shot in the face not once but multiple times with a gigantic, freaky, World War I era-looking syringe.

The dentist really is just fun for the whole family.

Afterwards, I celebrated my shiny new porcelain filling by awkwardly trying to eat a big bowl of mashed potatoes, using only one side of my mouth. Later on in the evening, as I was thanking James for being such a sport about the big needle and taking me to the dentist he interrupted me and said, in his most concerned and serious voice, "You know you've had mashed potatoes all over your face for most of the day, right?"

Read more...

Voorhiesophobia?

I have about a zillion things that I could write about but all I can think about right now is the excruciating pain on the left side of my face. It's been there for about a month, although up until yesterday it was only throbbing...yesterday was when it graduated to excruciating. You're probably wondering why I didn't go to the dentist when the throbbing started...

...because I have that grill phobia that I spoke about earlier. I am always SURE that my teeth are rotting out of my head but I'm scared to death to have someone confirm this. About a month ago I was chewing some gum and part of one of my back teeth was yanked right out. I only know this happened because I then chomped down on the gum/tooth combo with one of my side teeth...the only one with a crown in it, actually. I was happily driving and singing Abba songs at the time and I'm sure quite a few people were freaked out by the girl suddenly driving crazy all over the road, screaming "Dancing Queen."

I pulled over and spit the gum out in my hand and there it was - confirmation that my teeth are indeed rotting out of my head. You'd think that since I now had confirmation that I would go ahead and go to the dentist...it's not like they were going to double confirm it or anything. But no...instead I went to Walgreens and bought some fake fillings, a gallon of mouthwash, some Ambesol, some ibuprofen and the best dental floss that money can buy. Unfortunately, fake fillings are about as useful as shoving mashed potatoes where your tooth used to be and excessive flossing doesn't make new teeth grow.

I'm going to the dentist tomorrow. I'm not happy about it but my face really hurts. Ouch face trumps dental phobia.

In other news, the contest is over. The winners have been notified and first and second place have been happily claimed and paid out. I'd like to thank everyone who allowed me to bribe you into visiting my blog - there will be plenty more bribes where that one came from. Also, I now know that in addition to my geniophobia, I have dentophobia. I still haven't figured out what the fear of Jason Voorhies is called.

Read more...