Things to do in Denver when you're dead...

...or in a nearly deserted bar on Easter Sunday, when the rest of the world is eating Peeps and chocolate bunnies, and you're stuck working in a bar with two customers who won't even let you watch the Rock of Love Finale because on the Speed channel cars are chasing each other around a track for hours and that's obviously a way better show than the one where Brett Michaels FINALLY gets his Real, One True Rock of Love...


Another customer came in and he wasn't really into the Speed channel either, so we formed an imaginary band called "Dark Crystal Soul" instead. We're a goth speed metal band from Norway. We have long, pale blonde hair and crystal blue eyes. We have heavy German accents. Our lead singer's name is Envy, only it's spelled NV because that's cooler. My name is Wrath. It's spelled Wrath. We're very angry and absolutely no one understands our pain. Unfortunately, we broke up after about 5 minutes due to creative differences.

I guess there's only that one thing because that pretty much sums up my Easter Sunday.

I would have written sooner but it's been the most super stressful week, ever and at the end of it I was lying in the bottom of the shower, naked and curled up in the fetal position with a bottle of Jack Daniels, crying my fool head off for hours...except I really can't stand whiskey so it was actually iced tea in a Jack Daniels bottle...

...ok, a mason jar...and it's super uncomfortable and kind of cold when you're in the fetal position on the bottom of your shower so I stood up after a couple of minutes and just took a shower and also I quit crying after a minute and just started singing along to the Abba songs that I had playing in the background but you know...same thing.

Also, my cat and I are on the outs and he's currently looking for a new super best friend...that he can live with...forever and ever. He's a nice guy, but I can't handle the pot smoking and the constant partying and how he introduces himself to me every 5 minutes because his short term memory is shot and also, he's really arrogant because he's a celebricat and all he does is hang out with famous people and then come home and brag about it.

Also, if you want him, you should come get him now because the economy is in the dumpster and there's a cat shortage.

Also, did I mention he's famous? (And no, my cat isn't imaginary. Cats aren't like can't just make them up whenever you feel like it.) I've included some pictures:

Chicken "The Donald" Jolie-Pitt hanging out at a party with Paris Hilton.

Chicken "The Donald" Jolie-Pitt and Lady Gaga leaving the airport

Chicken "The Donald" Jolie-Pitt and the girls from "The Hills." (He's totally on Lauren's side, in case you were wondering.)

Chicken "The Donald" Jolie-Pitt, Madonna and Britney Spears at the Mtv Music Awards

Probably so many people will want him that I'll have to do a reality show so that I can be sure that everyone's intentions are, you know, better get your name in there quick before you miss out.

P.S. Sometimes when your week sucks and you invent imaginary goth speed bands and you're trying to get it together for the sake of your blog, you might get distracted for hours by Muppets Mash-Ups.(Seriously...go to youtube and do a search for "metal muppets"'s AMAZING. Master of Muppets? Don't Fear the Beaker? Awesome.) I don't know how any of that ties together, but here:


Steam Me Up, Kid April 13, 2009 at 5:09 PM  

Nothing cheers me up faster than drinking in the shower. You're clean, you're buzzed, and you're super productive because you're multitasking.

copperseal April 13, 2009 at 5:22 PM  

the fact that Oprah doesn't want you dumbfounds me.

Kathleen Coy April 13, 2009 at 5:24 PM  

See, even if you're having a super stressful week, you're still performing a valuable public service by letting us know about metal muppets. I never would have known... THANK YOU! My life is now complete!!!

ElegantSnobbery April 13, 2009 at 5:46 PM  

I don't know... your Easter sounded kinda great. Something about being in an imaginary goth speed metal band from Norway appeals to me a little more than being stuck in a tiny apartment with my two kids under the age of 4, both hyped up on chocolate bunnies (aka crack for kids), clinging to my legs like little leeches and throwing sugar-high induced temper-tantrums for most of the day. Oh yeah, and we spent the afternoon in Wal-Mart (aka hell on Earth).

I wish I were in an imaginary goth speed metal band from Norway. Happy Easter.

Violet LeBeaux April 13, 2009 at 6:24 PM  

Mr Jolie-Pitt seems like a bit of a celebrawhore with all those girls. You're right to look for a new super best awesome friend.

Btw does your imaginary metal band want to play at my imaginary birthday party next month for an imaginary undisclosed sum of money? I'm sure there would be a lot of imaginary press for their first reunion gig.

And imaginary cat groupies.

Annie April 13, 2009 at 7:31 PM  

Ummm. Your cat looks just like my cat. Exactly. Weird.

Vic April 13, 2009 at 10:38 PM  

I'm feeling a lot of performance anxiety right now, because what if my comment isn't approved? I mean, are you looking for a certain tone or maybe fresh knock knock jokes, in which case I'm screwed because there's no such thing? It's so much pressure...

You are very funny.

Insanity Kim April 13, 2009 at 10:41 PM  

This was so incredibly funny that saying I laughed is just.enough.


Blond Across the Pond April 13, 2009 at 11:09 PM  

Hope you are feeling better, hon. I cry in the closet floor with a Blue Moon...cause I'm feelin' blue ya know?

the iNDefatigable mjenks April 14, 2009 at 11:47 AM  

Whoa, whoa, whoa...if you're from Norway, why do you have German accents?

Wait a second...are the Germans acting up again? Have they been pining for the fjords? Dammit, I'll bet Sweden is behind all this.

Also, kitty probably should soak his hands in bleach after touching Paris Hilton like that. Kitty doesn't want the syph.

Insanity Kim April 15, 2009 at 9:36 PM  

Letting you know I talked about you to other people, and I think you're a Spice Girl. Just sayin'.

Musings of the Mrs. April 17, 2009 at 2:50 PM  

First of all, you missed THE MOST SHOCKING AND SINCERE ROCK OF LOVE FINALE EVER. Brett may have said the EXACT same thing he did on the last season finale, but this time, I am certain its true love. I guess we'll know next week during the Recap show.

Second, I am so glad to hear the Jolie-Pitts are also cat adopters. That is awesome.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy April 21, 2009 at 4:24 PM  

Sounds like a much more interesting Easter Sunday than mine. I didn't make up any fake bands or anything...

Wende April 22, 2009 at 8:50 PM  

I can't believe I never thought of drinking in the shower.

I totally miss you on Twitter.

Anonymous,  April 24, 2009 at 2:20 AM  

Chicken "The Donald" Jolie-Pitt? Really? His given name is Asshole and just b/c u caught him every time he tried to escape doesnt mean u can change his name to whatever is currently hip in the celebrity world.

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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