It's really hard to get anything accomplished when there's a bounty on your head.

James and several drag queens tried to kill me this week.


I'm not lying.


James and I got in an argument and when I got home he had booby trapped the house in an obvious attempt to murder me. I unlocked the door, walked in...

Me: Ah!oh!Shi...what the f....ouch! Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
James: What happened? Why are you hugging the post?
Me: Did you use Pledge to clean the floor?
James: I don't know...I used that orange smelling stuff.
Me: Pledge?
James: I don't know...it smelled good. Why are you hugging the post?
Me: You used Pledge to clean a ceramic tile floor...
James: Yeah, I know, I cleaned today. Ok...?
Me: You oiled the floor!
James: What? Oh...wow...that's pretty slippery, huh?
Me: Help.

Later on in the week, we went to a drag show. Apparently, if you go to a drag show and you tip one drag queen five dollars, the rest of the drag queens form a drag queen posse and try to murder you by taking you out at the feet. Drag queens have big feet....because they're actually dudes....dressed as girls...who wear really high heels...like, size 12 platform stillettos...which hurt like hell when they land on your little ballet slipper clad girl feet.

Me: Ouch.
Drag Queen 1: Oh girl! I am so sorry!
Me: Oooooh...ow!
Drag Queen 2: Oh girl! I am so sorry!
Me: Foot! You're on my foot!
Drag Queen 3: Oh girl! I am so sorry!

And so it went...all night.

My feet were purple the next day. Actually, they're still purple...with a tinge of yellow. Pretty.

So, you know...If you don't see me for a while, look for James and look for drag queens because they're clearly out to get me. Or maybe they're just trying to get my imaginary baby (76th trimester and still going....).

P.S. If you're ever arguing with someone and the whole argument is stupid and pointless and you just want it to be over...first, start talking about cake and second, step back from the situation and watch this video:

13 comments:

w May 9, 2009 at 6:25 PM  

hahahaah!

girl. i gotchur back. like. when they get you. i'll place you on your back and make your hair all pretty.

i watch csi and criminal minds and all that good stuff. i know better than to let you lie on your stomach face down on the floor. it just looks trashy.

i watched only a few seconds of the video. then i walked around the neighborhood throwing cake at all the cats i saw. i'm sorry. no i'm not. yes i am. uh. no. i'm not.

Insanity Kim May 9, 2009 at 9:41 PM  

This is very bizarre because my son just tried to sabotage me, just before mother's day, by covering the entire bathroom floor with water. It totally stopped me from yelling at him about something, because I was fighting for my life as I slid across the floor, barely escaping my head hitting the toilet. I was so happy to still be conscious that I forgot to yell at him about that...something to do tomorrow I guess...

And man, the scariest thing about drag queens, other than having your feet impaled on their ginormous louboutins, is that you can almost always can fit right under their armpits, have you noticed that? hmmm...

Um yeah, and ok...no. Your video is like, making me cry. And not in a good way *washing eyes with olive juice*. You win.

copperseal May 9, 2009 at 11:45 PM  

okay how creepy is it that i JUST watched that Cake video oh i don't know - 10 minutes ago?

there's a page in this one metaphorical book, and we're both on it yo.

ElegantSnobbery May 9, 2009 at 11:48 PM  

Wow, I can not believe you survived to tell the tale!! But I'm glad you did and I'm glad you shared that video because my 4 year old is going to laugh her head off when I play it for her tomorrow.

Glasstastic Treasures May 10, 2009 at 8:06 AM  

Great, now I'll be having some seriously wicked bad dreams about mis-shapen mouths singing about cake. And a cat with evil blue laser eyes!!

Pogue May 10, 2009 at 11:31 AM  

I always had the feeling that James was a trained assassin. "Oh, whoops, did I oil the floor? I guess I did..."

musicjunkie May 10, 2009 at 12:37 PM  

It was not a good idea for me to watch that video while hung over. The room had stopped spinning until I watch that, lol.

Jennifer May 10, 2009 at 3:51 PM  

Very, very good advice. I will have to sing this song to my husband more than once a day, then...

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy May 11, 2009 at 5:26 PM  

LMFAO. Drag queens are awesome. But not when they are trying to kill you.

Wende May 11, 2009 at 10:46 PM  

IZ is trying to murder me with comfort food. For dinner tonight, he made: fried eggs, mash potato hash, and homemade cheese biscuits. Two words; Cardia Arrest.

But I'll die happy. :D

Vic May 12, 2009 at 2:02 PM  

Cake, cake, ca,ca,cake,cake yeah.....

Oh, I'm in trouble now.

Next time you hang out with the drag queens, take a lot of five dollar bills.

jeweledrabbit/Maureen May 13, 2009 at 4:08 PM  

I thought you couldn't get anything accomplished because your time-management skills suck. :p

dcr May 17, 2009 at 12:24 AM  

76th trimester? That makes you 19 years pregnant. Four more trimesters and you'll have completely skipped over those awkward teen years and can send the kid straight to college.

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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