Child birth is really hard and also, I still don't have any Oreos.

Me: I think it's probably about time I had this baby.
James: What baby?
Me: MY baby, duh!
James: Oh my God...you're pregnant?
Me: Um...yeah....I've only been pregnant for something like 4 years, now. Geez...
James: Oh...Oh my God....I thought you were serious. I almost passed out.
Me: I AM serious!
James: I thought this baby thing was done.
Me: Nope, I just forgot for a while.
James: I don't think you're allowed to forget that you're pregnant.
Me: Yes you can, people do it all of the time. There was that one lady in New Jersey who forgot that she was pregnant for something like 50 years and then when she finally had the baby, she was the oldest mom in the world and the kid was HUGE.
James: You made that up.
Me: No I didn't...I heard it on the news!
James: The Weekly World News is not real news.
Me: Says you...anyway, we're having this baby so I'm going to need some boiling water and some towels...and a midwife...and some Oreos, probably. And a leather wallet so I don't bite my tongue off. And a lantern.
James: I'm leaving.
Me: Probably you should get a copy of Little House on the Prairie, too. And some cigars.
James: I'm seriously leaving now.
Me: You're going to leave me alone while I'm in labor???
James: I can't believe I married you.
Me: I know, right? You're probably something like the luckiest guy anyone knows.

Anyway, after 2 weeks in agonizing labor, during which I had to walk up a hill in a blizzard both ways, without any oreos because James needs husband lessons or something, I gave birth to my son, Awesome the First. He's a healthy 36 inches long and about 60 pounds. He's also an excellent dancer and the state spelling bee champion. I'm not saying that this kid is my son....but you all know what sweet moves I have, so I think its pretty obvious what's going on here:





P.S. If you guys see the CEO of Orbit Gum, will you let him know that he's a father? Also, tell him I'll take my child support payments in the flavor of Bubblemint, because everyone knows that that's the best kind and I don't want people making fun of my kid for chewing some crappy flavor like mojito mint.

15 comments:

Delainie August 31, 2009 at 8:32 PM  

Your blog cracks me up. Your husband must give you the same "What was I thinking, this chick is NUTS!" look just as often as mine does!

Also, what's up with kids and this song? I have more vids of mine and my part-time kid dancing to this song... maybe I could be famous on YouTube! They learned those smooth moves from me! lol

dcr August 31, 2009 at 9:44 PM  

So, is the CEO of Orbit Gum the father, or just a father? You were a bit vague on that, perhaps intentionally.

I'm betting intentionally, because I'm thinking you'd be the type to try to convince different guys they were the father of your imaginary child (It's a boy! Congratulations!) in order to get stuff like free gum out of them.

What next? Are you going to try to shake down the CEO of Oreos for some free Oreos?

If so, can you have him send some of the double-stuff'd or mint ones, or mint double-stuff'd ones, my way? It'll be my commission for keeping your little "congrats! you're a father" scheme a secret. ;)

Rustie Nuts August 31, 2009 at 10:24 PM  

It is funny because I saw this video before I read your post and I thought...yeah this is totally how Jessica's kid would dance! As note my imaginary kid could out dance your kid ANYDAY, which is a given because my moves are better than your moves. Yeah I said it!!!

Insanity Kim September 1, 2009 at 7:16 AM  

Oh MAN! I am SO happy you finally pushed out that kid! All that spelling ability and girth will be great for his first job, since child labor is cheap, I am sure he will love the gum. His dad will be proud, and confused. When did you let him out of the basement anyway?

As for your husband, he is still newly married, he won't really understand anything until you cry and scream a lot, or are married for 32.8 years; he'll learn conditioned responses, and picture references are great tools for that. Mmmm Oreos. I loves me some double stuff...

Kathleen Coy September 1, 2009 at 10:33 AM  

Yep, that's TOTALLY your imaginary kid!!! No need for an imaginary DNA test or anything. Congrats for surviving the labor, lol!

Amy September 1, 2009 at 1:37 PM  

I lasted 33 seconds into that video, I need to go and smoke some crack now...

Pogue September 1, 2009 at 2:43 PM  

It's a good thing that you named him Awesome the First, because that kid is the most AWESOME person I have ever laid eyes on. Ever. Jesus, that video was good.

H F W September 1, 2009 at 7:57 PM  

Wow, congrats on your baby and the home birth! We'll have to compare notes on the home birth and delivery after my little one decideds to grace us with his presence in the next 11 days!

w September 1, 2009 at 10:09 PM  

ok. rip off. your kid totally stole my moves off of my youtube video of me dancing in the 90s kickoff of soul train.

also. he looks just like you did when you were his age.

congratulations to you and to the ceo of orbit. condolences to james.

word.

auntie September 2, 2009 at 8:12 AM  

you know, i was just wondering the other day whether you'd had that pesky baby...so glad to hear the good news! i'm not sure what one gives as a gift to an imaginary baby, especially since your kid clearly already has the best gift of all: SWEET DANCE SKILLZ!!

drunkenhopfrog September 2, 2009 at 7:43 PM  

Ok, good to know you're having the baby. BUT DON'T EVEN TRY TO PRETEND YOUR BACK AND BLOGGING. I just can't handle disappointment right now, ok?

Cat September 3, 2009 at 8:58 AM  

Dude, that kid stole all the moves and left his poor, gangly sister with "the bounce". Seriously. She'll never get laid with "the bounce".

Denae September 3, 2009 at 11:45 PM  

Congrats - I know you'll be a great mom. ;)

Wende September 5, 2009 at 2:02 AM  

God, I'd hate to see your stretch marks. Right, you didn't factor that part in with such a long gestation, did ya?

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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