That one time that I almost died and lost my memory and forgot that I had a blog...

So, I could give you guys a bunch of stupid excuses about why I haven't been here, whining about how, "Oh, I'm so busy...I have this new bar that I bought and I work all of the time and I'm all tired and stuff...blah blah blah..."

But you guys don't want to hear that and it's totally not even true, anyway. I love you guys so I think it's important that we're honest with each other...

The truth is, I had amnesia. And the reason that I had amnesia is because the economy completely sucks and I'm broke and my imaginary baby Awesome the First works for the FBI and I asked him if he could hook me up with a job, so he did and I became a super secret agent and I was in a helicopter chasing this fugitive from justice and we were over the ocean and the fugitive from justice was in a boat and I jumped out of the helicopter right when this giant octopus who was all entwined with this mega shark came flying out of the sea and I bounced off of the octopus' skull and passed right out. The Navy Seals came and rescued me and took me to this hospital in Switzerland, and I was ok except when I woke up I didn't remember anything - not even my own name. Plus, since I was a super secret agent, the Navy Seals and the FBI and the CIA and all of those guys weren't allowed to tell anyone anything about me, so they just left me there and everybody called me Lavender GallBladder and anyone who actually knew my real name couldn't find me...although I'm told that there was a pretty serious search effort put forth by my friends and family....you probably saw it on the news or America's Most Wanted or Mystery Science Theatre 3000 or something.



(I'm pretty sure that the octopus looked exactly like this, only about a gazillion times bigger, probably)

Anyway, Awesome the First went to his Commander in Chief and he was all,"Captain! We have to find my mom!" And the Chief Captain Commander was all, "No! You can't handle the truth!" And my son was like,"But Captain, she could be in serious peril!" And the Captain Chief Commander in Charge was all, "Get out of my office! You make me sick!" And my son was all, "I'm not leaving here without my mother!" and then he threw his gun and his badge on the desk and he stormed out of the office and the Charge Captain was all, "If you walk out of here now, son, dont come back!" and Awesome was all, "I'm not your son!" and he spit on the ground and then he came and rescued me because you can't break the bonds between a mother and her son...

Anyway, I'm ok now and I remember who I am and stuff and I'm on Super Secret Agent Hiatus for a while, because of all of the stuff that I just went through...but if you see me waiting tables anywhere, you probably shouldn't mention any of this because that would probably mean that I was back to work and all undercover and busting fugitives from justice and stuff and you guys don't want to be responsible for blowing my cover.

P.S. James was just reading over my shoulder and he was all, "Octopuses don't have skulls. They're invertebrates."
Me: "Yeah, well most sharks aren't the size of the statue of liberty either."
James: "Octopuses with skulls and giant sharks aren't real."
Me: "Ok, smart guy. Try telling that to the evil scientist that probably created them, then."
Jamies: "Didn't you major in biology?"
Me: "Um - yeah. Biology of non-evil scientist genetically manipulated sea creatures...stupid."
James: "You're a dildo."
Me: "You're just jealous because I'm a scientist and you're not."
James: "Shut up, dildo."

Anyway, the moral to the story is that James is an idiot and evil scientists are out in the world at this very moment genetically engineering squids and jellyfish and octopuses and filling them with skeletons and unicorn horns and stuff and we would all be wise to remember a little thing called the Buddy System when we go swimming.

10 comments:

w February 14, 2010 at 5:31 PM  

i don't believe any of this (except for the part where the imaginary kid spit on the ground. i totally believe that). you were probably just doing laundry this whole time. or picking your belly button. yeah. that's right. i just called you out on that.

Insanitykim February 14, 2010 at 8:31 PM  

Oh man, you're always so well worth the wait. I don't even know what to say, I am just gonna be selfishly happy for a while that you're a writer on top of being a bar owner and secret agent and mommy to Awesome the First who obviously got all the good qualities from you and the Orbitz guy...by the way how is he holding up in your basement these days?

Erica Lea February 14, 2010 at 10:40 PM  

I'm so glad that the freaky skulled octopus and mega-shark didn't eat you, and that you were released/rescued so you could come back to your "normal" life;-) Your excuses for not writing are way better than mine have ever been!

dcr February 14, 2010 at 10:58 PM  

What does he mean giant sharks aren't real? Has he searched the whole ocean?????

He's right about the octopus skulls though. Sorry.

John Ross February 15, 2010 at 11:04 AM  

OH, well, in THAT CASE you're totally forgiven. Is it possible for a lady to be a dildo? I thought not. tell your hubby that trumps octopodae with skulls for possible bio-conversational-inaccuracies(I made that up, proud of me?)

Kearsie February 16, 2010 at 11:13 AM  

Oh man, I totally think that octupus thingy was around these here parts too, because I didn't get a slap thing done.

also, when James called you a dildo you should've said something super witty like "I know you are, but what am I?"

I know, I'm totally the comeback queen.

Judy Haley (CoffeeJitters.Net) February 17, 2010 at 1:45 PM  

wow! the exact same thing happened to me. That's why I haven't been keeping my blog up to date either. :)

Dawn Witter,  February 21, 2010 at 2:12 PM  

Ok that was peed my pants funny. Lavender GallBladder and Awesome the First????!!
I love you! Oh, anyone who is reading this should go to Blue. Blue sell's alcohol and their women's bathroom smells like flowers. (Not a mixture of ass and flowers, but just flowers.)Plus, it's really fun! Blue, in Peoria.......YEAH!

RDRumpf February 24, 2010 at 9:46 PM  

I just stumbled upon your blog -- happy accident! And here I thought my son was the most imaginative liar on earth... Thanks for the giggles; I needed that today. And I may just borrow a couple of your excuses the next time I need something better than "my dog ate it."

Anonymous,  November 17, 2012 at 10:33 AM  
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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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