Things I learned in 2009

As we embark on this new year, this new decade, I would like to impart on

I'd like to throw some things I learned at you. Hopefully you will treasure them and hold them close to your bosoms...keep them with you as you travel through the year and use these precious little nuggets of wisdom to help you through the most difficult of times...

1. The song "Imma Bee" by The Black Eyed Peas is not about being a bee. It's apparently about...being...or something. Not knowing this is not a big deal if you're just thinking this in your head...not knowing this is more than a little embarassing if you happen to be hanging out with a group of people who are way cooler than you and you wonder out loud if this is a sign that the Black Eyed Peas are maybe going to change their name to "The Black Eyed Bees." So, in 2010, please try to remember:

Fergie = Not a bee.

2. Oprah is leaving us in 18 months. This is important to you because it means that you only have about a year left to get your act together and convince Oprah to give me a box of kleenex and a seat on her couch. It wouldn't hurt to remind her of what a great person I am and how I'm still super, super sorry about that whole Beyonce thing and that everyone should just get over it already and move on like freaking grown-ups instead of dwelling on it and holding grudges and just being huge super jerks about the whole thing and not letting people achieve their dreams and be on the only show that ever really mattered to them, EVER.

...I'm just sayin'...forgiveness is pretty awesome. Anyway:

2010 = Oprah and Jessica are BFFs.

Actually, that's all I learned in 2009. Two things isn't very much and I really tried and tried to remember what else I possibly could have learned but seriously...nothing. Of course, this could mean only one thing...

...I now know everything in the world there is to know. Which means...I'm the smartest person in the world! I know, right? What a great year for me! Anyway, since I'm the smartest person in the world and you guys aren't and I'm really super generous, I'm starting an advice column. Feel free to ask me anything, either here or via my twitter account ( I'll totally hook you up with the knowledge.

P.S. My vast array of knowledge includes math...


w January 4, 2010 at 3:57 PM  

you learned a lot. i'm impressed. and now. i may be the smartest person in the world. because i learned a couple things... plus your two things. that's right. suckah!

happy new year. love the new banner.

also. i may have been a bit bitter when writing this. mainly because you promised me your bff-ness back in 1987.

Insanitykim January 4, 2010 at 4:04 PM  

Well, see, Oprah scares me, so I haven't learned much, which makes me a knuckle may want to ask winn about that one...

I totally love the banner! Your uvula is quite lovely. And no that's not dirty. But, since you know everything, you already knew that, so, no harm done there!

Hey! They should become the Black Eyed Peecicles! I was quite proud of that, thank you for nearly blacking out when you read it.

Happy New year!

Kearsie January 4, 2010 at 4:06 PM  

You know, it almost felt like someone famousy and celebrityish had stopped by my blog when you dropped by.

That's why I got the nervous gas and began to shout incoherent things like "Peanuts!"

Except you weren't really there. So. Only my coworkers thought I needed medication.


Wende January 4, 2010 at 4:54 PM  

I think you also learned that Britney Spears is a Biatch.

Pogue January 5, 2010 at 8:18 AM  

It's about freakin' time you put your mug up on the banner!

A few things I learned this past year:
1) Baby wipes come in pretty handy if you go from one job to another and don't have time for a shower.

2) Getting married puts a serious speed bump on Blog Posting Street.

3) If I put my mind to it, I can eat two pounds of chicken in one sitting, with dessert.

I learned a bunch more things, like some sweet martial arts stuff and tiger wrestling, but I don't have time to go into it.

dcr January 5, 2010 at 10:44 PM  

So, tell me, if you know everything, why are the bees disappearing?

Insanitykim January 7, 2010 at 10:29 AM  

Hey, there is an award waiting for you on my blog; do what you wish with's awesome though. Really it is...

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy January 8, 2010 at 9:02 AM  

Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I now feel like I can proceed with 2010 more complete and knowledgeable.

I learned how little food I can live off of and how long I can drive on a tank of gas before running out. It wasn't a very good year.

Hilton January 15, 2010 at 2:17 PM  

Love the bee, brillo....

w January 18, 2010 at 11:43 PM  

lola. psssst. girl. i gave you an award on my blog.

first let me say. for a long time, i was too cool to accept them. but now. i'm too cool to not accept them. it's the pressure. both peer and abdominal.

so you must retrieve your award. otherwise. i'm going to think you're ashamed of me.

also. i'm on the verge of breaking up with you. and i'll be taking the pretend baby, too.

Insanitykim February 8, 2010 at 7:57 PM  

it's almost 2011...where the heck are you?

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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