If I move to New Orleans, please don't tell the cat where to find me.

I just came back from New Orleans and it's pretty clear that I either need to move there immediately or keep a second residence there. Unfortunately, James and I own a lot of stuff where we are so moving immediately probably isn't very realistic. The obvious solution is just keeping a second home there. This is going to require that I be insanely wealthy, of course, but no worries...I've got all of that figured out.

James and I are going to have an imaginary baby*. I've given this a lot of thought and I feel like it's time. When I talked to James about it, his eyes kind of glazed over and he mumbled something about having no part of this so he's totally on board. We're going to have lots of trials and tribulations and hilarious happenings with our imaginary baby, I will blog about these things, people will flock to my blog in droves, I will show this flock of people to advertisers and they will pay me a huge amount of money to place ads for cheeseburgers and tampons on my blog. I will start calling myself "Dr.Lola" and people will ask me for advice about their babies and I'll go on the talk show circuit and write a book. I'll eventually get my own show where advertisers will pay me even more money to show commercials about cheeseburgers and tampons and I will use this money to set up a college fund for my imaginary baby and also to have a house in New Orleans. I think it's a pretty good plan. Of course, I'm not a total idiot. I'm not putting all of my eggs in one basket just in case this doesn't go quite the way I'm hoping.

I'm also playing the lottery.

P.S. So, my dog has this pet cat and she won't let us get it de-clawed. Something about how cats need their claws and it might hurt and blah, blah, nonsense and blah. The problem is that we have a house that's just filled with really nice woodwork and my dog's stupid cat likes to smoke a bunch of weed (probably laced with PCP) and run around and hold medieval battles with doors and stair banisters and such. We tried to have an intervention, we threatened to put the cat up for adoption, we tried to cut off his drug supply...nothing worked. Our vet finally recommended these nail cap things called "happy paws" or "cute claws" or something else really misleading like that.

The directions say it's super easy, you just fill the little plastic nail cap with glue, press it on the nail for 5 seconds and voila! No more scratching.

Am I crazy or does "super easy" usually NOT involve extreme blood shed and heart palpitations? Also, they don't even provide you with any valium or a tranquilizer gun or stuff to clean up all of the blood or anything like that.

I don't mean to tell anyone how to do their job or anything but if you're going to include an illustration demonstrating how to use these things, you might want to consider adding this one:

You know...just so people know exactly what they're getting into.

*This post is in no way meant to offend real babies or people who actually have real babies. Unfortunately, no one will let me borrow their baby for the purpose of this blog and I don't really see me having my own real baby at any time in the near future, so I obviously had no choice except to have this imaginary baby. Also...it's a boy.


the b-line February 3, 2009 at 1:28 PM  

You are too funny. Thank you for a good chuckle. Let me know how the imaginary baby thing works out. I think you've got one heck of an idea there!

Melissa February 3, 2009 at 1:50 PM  

Check ebay! Just kidding... I'd "lend" you my little guy, but... I'd want 20% of all income lol... Cheers and thanks for the laughs!

Laura February 3, 2009 at 2:22 PM  

OMG I wish I would of thought about an imaginary baby! I wont give mine back now but I should of just had and imaginary one to start with.
Are Happy Paws made by the Lee press on nail people? Try pepper spray stuff from pet smart or someplace. Lee press on nails suck.

Insanity Kim February 3, 2009 at 2:40 PM  


Maybe you should just ask for donations to put your face back on because your drug-induced demon cat ripped it off, while your PETA loving dog held you down, because you tried to glue Lee press-on caps to his weapons of mass destruction...I would send money for that...

Do you want me to talk to my BFF Angelina and Brad? I am sure they could hook you up with some prime real estate once you collect enough $$ for your facial reconstruction surgery...

Anlina S. February 3, 2009 at 3:00 PM  

You could put a little dress on the cat and pretend that it's a baby. Granted dressing a real baby doesn't usually end in tears and bloodshed.

I hope you were able to get the claw caps on. It sounds like a two (maybe three) person job.

No luck in just training the cat not to destroy things? It wasn't too much of a challenge to get my three trained up (which is good, otherwise my husband would have a bunch of ruined furniture, and my cats would have one homeless kitty-mommy.)

Chimera Crochet February 3, 2009 at 4:09 PM  

Congratulations! I know you will make a knowledgeable and superb fake mom!

OMG my verification is, "baebanne" which TOTALLY sounds like it has something to do with babies. Probably Scottish babies... Is your baby Scottish?

Violet February 3, 2009 at 4:32 PM  

You must have missed the part in the cat subjects' manual where it says that "at no time will the phrase 'super easy' refer in any way to your ruler, the cat."

I think you are onto something with this imaginary baby thing. I wonder if I can hawk Sandy the Philodendron in the same way...

Dizzy Ms. Lizzy February 3, 2009 at 7:10 PM  

I haven't laughed this much since - - well, since your LAST blog post, before you left on vacation. I'm SO glad you are back! :-)

Glasstastic Treasures February 3, 2009 at 9:27 PM  

I bet when you're rich and famous from having a blog-baby, and reinventing kitty claws protectors with vallium which will be fed directly into the bloodstream thru the little claw caps, Oprah will want you on her show. Totally!!

UrbanVox February 4, 2009 at 4:14 AM  

you crack me up!

GorillaSushi February 4, 2009 at 7:43 AM  

Imaginary Mommy Bloggers could be the next big thing.

Dawn February 4, 2009 at 11:02 AM  

I loooove New Orleans. I live a couple of hours away, so Brett and I used to go fairly often, but we haven't gone in probably a year now. We always talk about having a second home there when we suddenly get rich too.

Maybe we could all just get SEMI-rich and split a house?
You guys can have it in the Summer/Fall and we'll have it in the Winter/Spring. You might think that by giving you Summer I'm trying to take advantage of you since that's hurricane season (and even when there aren't any hurricanes it rains like every day), but it isn't so! I'm just trying to offer you the full Louisiana/New Orleans experience. We'll even board up the windows for you before we leave the house every May.

Ryan February 4, 2009 at 1:51 PM  

Haha, oh my god that cat scares the shit out of me.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy February 5, 2009 at 9:50 AM  

Unfortunately, I have TWO children and blogging about my adventures with them has not made me rich and famous, but it's only been about six months, so we'll see what happens.

BUT, I am fully willing to lend you my children, say, once a month for a weekend so you will have something to blog about. I will even pay for the airfare.

Just a thought...

carrie February 5, 2009 at 12:26 PM  

after the day I've had, you can totally borrow any of my children for your *experiment.

Denae February 5, 2009 at 10:47 PM  

Have the poor kitty's front claws taken out only (gasp!). I did it and Dewey forgave me. Def - a house in New Orleans. Love your blog!

jeweledrabbit February 6, 2009 at 10:13 PM  

You are totally crazy. LOL

Oh wait, it's your folowers who are crazy. :-/

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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