Reason #437 why nobody invites me anywhere anymore

Anonymous friend*: So, we went and saw "Gran Torino" last night.
Me: Uh-huh.
Anonymous friend: Yeah, it was AWESOME.
Me: Uh-huh.
Anonymous friend: Have you seen it?
Me: Uh-uh.
Anonymous friend: You HAVE to see it, it's SO good.
Me: Um, yeah...I don't really like Clint Eastwood so much.
Anonymous friend: Oh my God, he's SO amazing in this movie though, you really have to see it.
Me: Yeah, but I don't really like Clint Eastwood. Ever. Seriously.
Anonymous friend: I swear, everyone in the theatre was crying...it was so good...it was just amazing...you would probably love it.
Me: But, um...probably no because see, remember how I just told you that I don't like Clint Eastwood movies? Yeah...I wasn't lying.
Anonymous Friend: Yeah but this is different...it's not like his usual movies.
Me: Does he save the day? Does he at any point have a gun? Does somebody learn a valuable lesson? Is he all gritty and weathered and set in his ways? Is there a moral to the story?
Anonymous friend: (silence)
Me: I bet there is. I bet at least half of that stuff is true.
Anonymous friend: You don't even know what it's about.
Me: However...if Clint Eastwood ever stars in some sort of Devil Wears Prada/Friday the Thirteenth Freddy vs. Jason type movie I will TOTALLY go see it.
Anonymous friend: Fine. Don't see it.
Me: Can you imagine how great THAT movie would be?? Clint Eastwood would be running around all Clint Eastwoody, only he'd also be like Leatherface and Kate Hudson would be all cute and charming and then right in the middle they'd meet and there'd be all sorts of running around and screaming and Clint Leatherface would actually turn out to be a good guy and save Kate from that guy from "Saw" and then probably at the end they'd fall in love and Patrick Dempsey would show up with Reese Witherspoon and they'd have a double wedding or something.
Anonymous friend: (silence)
Me: You should totally go see that with me. That's probably going to be way better than "Grand Tornado" or whatever.
Anonymous friend: (silence)
Me: Is something wrong?


*I changed my friend's name to protect her identity...then I realized that she comes off looking like a smart person that just wants me to see movies that everybody on the whole planet thinks are great while I come off like an idiot that has no interest in watching intelligent cinema because all I really want to see is some sort of poorly directed b-movie horror film starring Anne Hathaway or Katherine Heigl because apparently I have no taste whatsoever... so then I thought that maybe instead I should change MY identity for this conversation but then I remembered that I write this blog so I'm already pretty much outed.

Also, Oprah still hasn't called me. I know, right? After I apologized to Beyonce and everything. Probably what the Oprah people should do at this point is change the name of that little section called "Be on the Show" to "Submit Your Brilliant Idea To Us To Be On The Show and Then Probably We're Still Not Going To Call You Even If You Do Apologize To Beyonce but We Will Steal Your Ideas and Have Some Lady in Mom Jeans Play the Part of the Crying Lady on the Couch That Should Have Been Yours While You Cry on Your own Couch at Home WITHOUT Oprah."

It's just...I try so hard to see the good in people and then something like this happens. It's almost enough to make you completely lose your faith in humanity.


P.S. What to put under the tree if you want your kid to think that Santa Claus hates her:
fail owned pwned pictures
via failblog.org

21 comments:

Crazy Oldie January 25, 2009 at 6:25 PM  

lol...nice post!

and whats wrong is botched spray tan Barbie? she has stripper heels and a phone half the height of her body...its all totally normal for a Vegas hooker..err..from what my friends said anyways.

Dizzy Ms. Lizzy January 25, 2009 at 7:13 PM  

I don't like Clint Eastwood so much either. I used to, before Dirty Harry, but ever since those movies, I don't.

So - - I'm with you on this one!

laura,  January 25, 2009 at 7:36 PM  

BAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAAAA!!

i can't WAIT to see you!

jeweledrabbit January 25, 2009 at 8:21 PM  

I'd wager the reason why Oprah hasn't called you is because you abhor intelligent cinema.

Cade January 25, 2009 at 8:39 PM  

Well you know your movie tastes and that's what is important.

drunkenhopfrog January 25, 2009 at 9:51 PM  

I totally have this idea of like a Jet Li v Jason movie where its like really two movies in one. First plot is the journey of some residents near Chrystal Lake to China to a Shaolin temple where they are looking for a spiritual master that can help them rid the curse on their town/summer camp. The other plot has the typical summer castaway kids going to Chrystal Lake for the sex and drugs and stuff... or so it seems. Really they are laying traps for Jason. Jason then, of course, starts to attack and the traps have no affect on him (in a twist) because, well, he's a monster, and the kids are getting killed off and suddenly it seems like those on sabbatical to China convince Li, who is actually on of the Seven Immortals, to come back to Chrystal Lake. And just as Jason is about to kill the last teen at the camp (who is really Buddaha we come to find later), Li shows up. AND BEATS THE HELL OUT OF JASON. Like Jason never knows what hits him. Li tears him apart limb from limb for the last 25 mins of the movie - Old School Steven Segal style - and then after Jason has taken a lot of PAIN, Li simply taps him on the chest and walks away. Over Li's shoulder we see Jason SCREAM (voice for the first time ever!) and then explodes.

Yeah. You can work in the wedding and funeral bits and we will have a 3.5 hour EPIC that cannot be denied.

Violet January 25, 2009 at 10:38 PM  

Sugar, give the Oprah a break, huh? She's probably still coming down from her Inauguration Week high. That takes a lot out of a girl.

w January 25, 2009 at 10:44 PM  

so... do you wanna see gran torino with me? i'll whisper alternative lines into your ear and make you snicker. or snort.

snort as in laugh. not snort as in white powder.

Sugarwilla January 26, 2009 at 1:04 AM  

I'm surprised Clint Eastwood isn't on Twitter. He is the narcissist of all narcissists.

Writer,Director, Star, Producer, and, in GT, SONGWRITER.

I am with you on this one.

Oh, and I'd buy a ho-doll.

UrbanVox January 26, 2009 at 5:37 AM  

huahuahuahuahua!!
there is no time I come round here that I don;t need to run to the toilet so I don't pee on my pants!

lol!!!!

xxx

LWM January 26, 2009 at 6:04 AM  

Thanks for following LWM. Do me a favor? Keep the funny coming. Thanks.

Pogue January 26, 2009 at 6:19 AM  

The really ironic thing about this post is that at the end of Gran Torino (which sound like a huge burrito, for some reason), after Clint defeats the street gangs, he ends up convincing a doubtful girl of the meritorious quality of the Dirty Harry flicks. Weird coinky-dink.

Rachel January 26, 2009 at 6:42 AM  

My knee doesn't work so I don't even have the pleasure of seeing movies anymore. *sob*
so stop going on about how you're insulting your poor friend's taste in movies. I can't even get the hell out of my house.
PS Clint Eastwood is FREAKING AMAZING.
and I haven't even seen his last like 50 movies.

Redd January 26, 2009 at 8:12 AM  

this is by far your funniest post yet. I may have even wet my pants.
Come by my blog sometime and we can argue!

copperseal January 26, 2009 at 3:23 PM  

LOL!!! omg let's do lunch.

Insanity Kim January 27, 2009 at 9:47 AM  

You are SO on my blog roll...

Even if you like Oprah,

Although I get this little voice in my head, telling me your agenda is to infiltrate, befriend and the CONQUER her and then make her show become "The Lola Show"...which I would watch, because I know Clint Eastwood would never be a guest, unless he starred in a movie with Beyonce, then it would all be kind of weird...*crickets chirping*

But even if that's not the case, and you are not afraid of running into her, and Tom Cruise, in a dark alleyway, like I am, you are STILL so going on my blogroll!

Laura January 27, 2009 at 3:20 PM  

LMAO So I am no big fan of Clint but since a friend got a video for the Academy Awards I got to see it at home and I did like it. Bu I would totally rather see the Devil Wears Prada.
That doll sucks.

Glasstastic Treasures January 27, 2009 at 7:38 PM  

omg, I need a tissue. I laughed so hard I cried and peed my pants!! Not really, but I think I'll wear a Depends next time!!

Hyacynth Filippi Worth January 29, 2009 at 12:05 PM  

I find it strange that you think that Rock of Love and Oprah are worthy of your veiwing attention, yet poor, old Clint isn't.
Also, I'm sorry you have had the hormones of a pregnant lady coursing through your blood for so long. That is a lot of emotion to handle to not be handed a cute, squishy baby at the end. :)

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy February 2, 2009 at 8:26 PM  

yup, I hate Clint Eastwood too. He was OK in Million Dollar Baby, but only because he was flanked by Morgan Freeman and Hilary Swank and there were no guns, horses or showdowns.

But that movie you speak of with Anne Hathaway, Kate Hudson and Freddy Krueger? Sounds. AWESOME.

karensomethingorother January 18, 2012 at 8:39 AM  

BRONZER FAIL! LOL! Oh shit, I just lol'd. It was worth it.

I couldn't get into that movie. After the opening barrage of racial slurs I lost interest...even if it was going to make a good point in the end.

But I stayed up and watched the Sex &The City movie for the millionth time the other night!

Highbrow.

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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