Dear Beyonce, I'm sorry and also will you tell Oprah that I apologized so she'll put me on her show already?

Yeah...Oprah's people still haven't called me. I think it's pretty obvious why. She and Beyonce are probably really good friends and Oprah came over here and read my blog and the first thing she sees is me being all mean to her friend Sasha Fierce so she got all mother hen and decided not to let me on her show.

I'm sorry, Beyonce. I shouldn't have said "hate." Hate is a really strong word and should be reserved for things like brussel sprouts and butt cellulite...so I'm sorry. I don't "hate" your song so much....I "dislike it intensely" is what I meant to say. Also, that other song you have out now is ok. Sometimes I sing along to it and I don't even hate myself for it...I mean, intensely dislike myself for it. So are we cool now? You'll tell Oprah?

OPRAH, COME BACK!!!

So...here's really gross weirdness from my house: my youngest dog has been "sharting." Probably you know what that means but if you don't...it's when you fart but accidentally poop a little bit. Ok...first...it freaks me out to be talking about this. I mean, I'm slightly strange and I'm ok with that being all public and stuff but bodily functions are private and talking about them in public, even when it's my dog's bodily functions, makes me turn bright red.

I'm seriously blushing. For real. However, a sharting dog is pretty ridiculous and as such it belongs in my blog...no matter how difficult it is for me to talk about it.

So, before the sharting...there's just the regular gas. Our youngest dog is a pug so she came with really bad butt odor (that's how they all come, in case you're thinking of adding one to your family). We expected it, we bought some air freshener, we deal with it. The unexpected weirdness is the noise. She squeaks. And it shocks her every time. It's like somebody is slowly letting the air out of a balloon and she kind of jumps a little bit and looks all shocked like somebody snuck up on her and did it but really it was just her own butt. Like she doesn't realize that her butt is attached and she's all, "WHOA! I can't believe you got me AGAIN!" Anyway...the other day the sharting started...there was a squeak, the jump, the shocked expression...and a tiny gift on the floor for all to enjoy.

This went on for a full day...to the point that we thought we were going to have to put her in diapers. So we could be the weird family with that one weird dog. Awesome. So, yeah...weird and gross and I'm totally done talking about it.

A couple other things that I need to talk about eventually but not today because I'm supposed to be making jewelry and painting and probably going to work soon but seriously, remind me because it's all pretty important stuff:

*I'm going to learn morse code to spite James.
*I'm starting a band. It's called "Onward Christian Slater." That's not an original idea...I stole it...er...borrowed it...whatever, it's mine now.
* My band's first video is going to be a re-enactment of "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar...I'm going to try and get Bruce Campbell to play the pimp...the Bruce Campbell as pimp thing was also not my idea although I wish it was because it's AWESOME.
* My band performs telepathically. This is my second mental telepathy band.
* I'm going to New Orleans next week. I'm sure there will be stories. Hopefully not about lost luggage or missed connections.
* I had my teeth bleached at the dentist...'cause you know how important my grill is to me. I have an "in-process" picture...it's disturbing...I will show it to you.
* I got in an argument with a guy because I was stupid enough to think that scientists were conducting research at colleges. I'm not kidding. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said "Oh really? Professors at colleges are teaching classes and doing scientific experiments? And where do scientists do experiments?" I was all "Uh...um...you do realize that...um...you know? Nevermind...I'm just going to walk away now."
*I'm still not done reading all of your blogs and picking fights with you but there's about a gazillion of you out there so it's taking longer than expected and also, everytime I pick a fight with one of you guys you're all super nice to me and invite me over for dinner and dancing and stuff so I think I need a new strategy 'cause clearly this isn't working.

Yeah, don't forget to remind me to tell you about all of that stuff. You pick whatever seems the most important. I mean, it's obviously all really super important but you decide what's MOST important. Except for New Orleans because that hasn't happened yet and although I can do lots of really cool stuff, time travel isn't one of them...yet.


P.S. (and also, there's an f-bomb but I didn't do it...Natalie Dee did and it's ok because I love her and the comic really fits.)


(via www.headlinehumor.com)



Natalie Dee
www.nataliedee.com

12 comments:

maria i lavis January 23, 2009 at 2:02 AM  

Girl, I had no idea you are soooo funny!

Re the growing Beyonce resistance on the fringes, have you seen this funny post by @raincoaster?

http://raincoaster.com/2009/01/18/happy-anniversary-motown/

Pogue January 23, 2009 at 6:35 AM  

My first dog was a pug named Uggy (because I couldn't pronounce ugly when I was 4 and everyone thinks a child's mutilation of the English language is sooo cute), and I have to say that I am very glad that he didn't go around sharting all day. I would have eaten him like a Hong Kong dinner entree.

w January 23, 2009 at 8:15 AM  

dude. i have a pug. and she often leaves surprises. my toddler will stop. look. and point. and scream.

moooommmmyyyyy! daisy poOOooOOOoo!

(note the ups and downs of the "o"s in poo.)

also, can i join your band? i mean. i know you know i already just asked telepathically - but i had to type it down for those who don't have the gift.

aaaand. i'll take 2 burritos. one in cherry and one in maple.

Violet January 23, 2009 at 10:02 AM  

Ohhhhh, you were picking a fight when you inflitrated my blog? Somehow I missed that minor detail.

In that case...

No, you're not invited for dinner and if you do show up, I'll be serving all of those items that are on your "I can't eat these because I'm SPECIAL" list. And I don't love you anymore.

So there.

But I forgive you for apologizing to Beyonce since it's all about the Oprah.

LWM January 23, 2009 at 3:04 PM  

Thanks for following LWM...together we can win the war against stupid people.

dasyatis January 23, 2009 at 7:05 PM  

Well, that guy was half right- professors don't do research, they have their grad students and techs do their research, because they are too busy teaching. And going on month long vacations. You know, the kinds techs never get. Because they are paid in pug-poo even though they do all the damn research. Not that I am bitter.

The best thing along these lines that I ever heard was (in reference to red tide) "I wish those freakin' scientists would stop researching all the time and just start fixing problems like this." Awesome.

Also, my word verification is "hamists," which should be the name of "Onward Christian Slater"'s first album.

Melissa January 23, 2009 at 7:44 PM  

Absolutely priceless...make sure to check my blog... all pretty innocent stuff, nothing to fight about... keep the laughs coming, i'm going to change my depends...

copperseal January 24, 2009 at 11:21 AM  

LOL that natalie dee comic is so genuine.

wow i didn't know i could come to your blog to both laugh AND be completely disturbed. thanks for having a well rounded bundle of goodies. :P

Dizzy Ms. Lizzy January 24, 2009 at 3:16 PM  

Just an FYI - - my cats don't shart. :-)

And, you DO need to come to my house for dinner. We can fight over who is going to do the dishes - - no, that won't work, I have a dishwasher. Well, we can fight about who will set the table - - well, no, that won't work either, because Steve does it.

Hmmmm.

Well, we will come up with SOMETHING, never fear . . . :-)

carrie January 24, 2009 at 5:36 PM  

well, there goes all my hopes and dreams of owning a pug someday because as of right now, I already have the two stupidest dogs on the planet and I most certainly do not need to add the smelliest dog on the planet to the mix.

drunkenhopfrog January 25, 2009 at 5:32 AM  

Some profs are not full time and do research as well. Or there are places like MIT.

I love the Onward Christian Slater. I can't help but to think of HEATHERS era. When he was cool. Maybe all the songs can be about his early movies? Like HEATHERS, PUMP UP THE VOLUME, GLEAMING THE CUBE, etc?

After morse code, how about sign? My wife and I thought it would be neat for volunteer work and to talk in public without being overheard; talk in public even when it is loud and crowded.

Dave Matthews said on twitter that much of the LA MS areas are still in shambles. My guess is that NO has been pieced back together - even if like a fake old west town in the movies. I've always thought that would be creepy... go to a neighborhood and all the homes were fake, like props, and all the people wore their Sunday best and called one, "brother," or, "sister." And also there is the top curve of a green glowing metal sphere exposed in the center of the fake town where the rest is obviously buried under the surface. And also there are children in knicker shorts with black hair and pale faces; they sing old southern spirituals in their high, angelic voices.

Oh, well, I am sure Nawleans won't be like that...

UrbanVox January 25, 2009 at 5:38 AM  

wow!!!
An all round artist!!!
no! I am not calling you fat! :)

xxx

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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