Jessica.: Bruce Campbell

Yeah...Oprah's people still haven't called me. I think it's pretty obvious why. She and Beyonce are probably really good friends and Oprah came over here and read my blog and the first thing she sees is me being all mean to her friend Sasha Fierce so she got all mother hen and decided not to let me on her show.

I'm sorry, Beyonce. I shouldn't have said "hate." Hate is a really strong word and should be reserved for things like brussel sprouts and butt cellulite...so I'm sorry. I don't "hate" your song so much....I "dislike it intensely" is what I meant to say. Also, that other song you have out now is ok. Sometimes I sing along to it and I don't even hate myself for it...I mean, intensely dislike myself for it. So are we cool now? You'll tell Oprah?

OPRAH, COME BACK!!!

So...here's really gross weirdness from my house: my youngest dog has been "sharting." Probably you know what that means but if you don't...it's when you fart but accidentally poop a little bit. Ok...first...it freaks me out to be talking about this. I mean, I'm slightly strange and I'm ok with that being all public and stuff but bodily functions are private and talking about them in public, even when it's my dog's bodily functions, makes me turn bright red.

I'm seriously blushing. For real. However, a sharting dog is pretty ridiculous and as such it belongs in my blog...no matter how difficult it is for me to talk about it.

So, before the sharting...there's just the regular gas. Our youngest dog is a pug so she came with really bad butt odor (that's how they all come, in case you're thinking of adding one to your family). We expected it, we bought some air freshener, we deal with it. The unexpected weirdness is the noise. She squeaks. And it shocks her every time. It's like somebody is slowly letting the air out of a balloon and she kind of jumps a little bit and looks all shocked like somebody snuck up on her and did it but really it was just her own butt. Like she doesn't realize that her butt is attached and she's all, "WHOA! I can't believe you got me AGAIN!" Anyway...the other day the sharting started...there was a squeak, the jump, the shocked expression...and a tiny gift on the floor for all to enjoy.

This went on for a full day...to the point that we thought we were going to have to put her in diapers. So we could be the weird family with that one weird dog. Awesome. So, yeah...weird and gross and I'm totally done talking about it.

A couple other things that I need to talk about eventually but not today because I'm supposed to be making jewelry and painting and probably going to work soon but seriously, remind me because it's all pretty important stuff:

*I'm going to learn morse code to spite James.
*I'm starting a band. It's called "Onward Christian Slater." That's not an original idea...I stole it...er...borrowed it...whatever, it's mine now.
* My band's first video is going to be a re-enactment of "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar...I'm going to try and get Bruce Campbell to play the pimp...the Bruce Campbell as pimp thing was also not my idea although I wish it was because it's AWESOME.
* My band performs telepathically. This is my second mental telepathy band.
* I'm going to New Orleans next week. I'm sure there will be stories. Hopefully not about lost luggage or missed connections.
* I had my teeth bleached at the dentist...'cause you know how important my grill is to me. I have an "in-process" picture...it's disturbing...I will show it to you.
* I got in an argument with a guy because I was stupid enough to think that scientists were conducting research at colleges. I'm not kidding. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said "Oh really? Professors at colleges are teaching classes and doing scientific experiments? And where do scientists do experiments?" I was all "Uh...um...you do realize that...um...you know? Nevermind...I'm just going to walk away now."
*I'm still not done reading all of your blogs and picking fights with you but there's about a gazillion of you out there so it's taking longer than expected and also, everytime I pick a fight with one of you guys you're all super nice to me and invite me over for dinner and dancing and stuff so I think I need a new strategy 'cause clearly this isn't working.

Yeah, don't forget to remind me to tell you about all of that stuff. You pick whatever seems the most important. I mean, it's obviously all really super important but you decide what's MOST important. Except for New Orleans because that hasn't happened yet and although I can do lots of really cool stuff, time travel isn't one of them...yet.

P.S. (and also, there's an f-bomb but I didn't do it...Natalie Dee did and it's ok because I love her and the comic really fits.)

(via www.headlinehumor.com)

www.nataliedee.com