An open letter to Oprah Winfrey...

Dear Oprah Winfrey,

One time I was checking the news, and all of the news outlets said that Candy Spelling (Candi? Candi with a heart over the "i"? Candee?)  was mad at Tori Spelling, so Candy Spelling wrote an open letter to a bunch of celebrities that she didn't even know, and all of the news outlets were all, "HOLY COW!  This is some serious news!" so they all reported it, and then all of the celebrities found out who Candy Spelling was, and Tori Spelling grabbed her pug and everybody went to Applebees and had margaritas.

You're probably wondering what this has to do with you, and for a minute I was too, but then I remembered what my point was and my point is this:  First - open letters to and/or by celebrities move mountains.

Next -you're doing this whole Next Chapter thing, and so am I kinda sorta, and I think this is a perfect time for us to sit down on your couch and share this exciting time in our lives. While you might not think that we have a lot in common, I'd like it to be known that A.) like Tori Spelling, I have a pug, B.) like most celebrities, I love margaritas and C.) I've been to Applebees on more than one occasion.  So, it's pretty obvious that I would fit in really well with you and your celebrity friends.

The gang at Applebees, just being famous, hanging out with pugs, drinking margaritas.

Also, as a bonus, I've eaten everything in sight over the past few months and gained more than a few pounds.  One of my friends just told me I looked like a potato, so if you were thinking of doing one of those positive thinking weight loss shows, you probably can't go wrong with a potato like me.

I don't want to tell you how to live your life, Oprah, but remember how happy we were when we never visited the Grand Canyon together?

Food potatoes for thought...

You have my number...

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Mamas, don't let yer doggies grow up and watch t.v. Seriously. It's not ok. You'll rue the day or something.

Me: James - did you leave the t.v. on?
James: No, why?
Me: The dogs are watching "Animal Planet" again.
James: The dogs aren't watching t.v.
Me: I'm telling you...I can hear them heckling "The Dog Whisperer." They're watching t.v. You need to talk to them.
James: I'm not going to talk to the dogs about watching t.v. You're imagining things.
Me: Uh-huh...

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Dear Beyonce, I'm sorry and also will you tell Oprah that I apologized so she'll put me on her show already?

Yeah...Oprah's people still haven't called me. I think it's pretty obvious why. She and Beyonce are probably really good friends and Oprah came over here and read my blog and the first thing she sees is me being all mean to her friend Sasha Fierce so she got all mother hen and decided not to let me on her show.

I'm sorry, Beyonce. I shouldn't have said "hate." Hate is a really strong word and should be reserved for things like brussel sprouts and butt cellulite...so I'm sorry. I don't "hate" your song so much....I "dislike it intensely" is what I meant to say. Also, that other song you have out now is ok. Sometimes I sing along to it and I don't even hate myself for it...I mean, intensely dislike myself for it. So are we cool now? You'll tell Oprah?

OPRAH, COME BACK!!!

So...here's really gross weirdness from my house: my youngest dog has been "sharting." Probably you know what that means but if you don't...it's when you fart but accidentally poop a little bit. Ok...first...it freaks me out to be talking about this. I mean, I'm slightly strange and I'm ok with that being all public and stuff but bodily functions are private and talking about them in public, even when it's my dog's bodily functions, makes me turn bright red.

I'm seriously blushing. For real. However, a sharting dog is pretty ridiculous and as such it belongs in my blog...no matter how difficult it is for me to talk about it.

So, before the sharting...there's just the regular gas. Our youngest dog is a pug so she came with really bad butt odor (that's how they all come, in case you're thinking of adding one to your family). We expected it, we bought some air freshener, we deal with it. The unexpected weirdness is the noise. She squeaks. And it shocks her every time. It's like somebody is slowly letting the air out of a balloon and she kind of jumps a little bit and looks all shocked like somebody snuck up on her and did it but really it was just her own butt. Like she doesn't realize that her butt is attached and she's all, "WHOA! I can't believe you got me AGAIN!" Anyway...the other day the sharting started...there was a squeak, the jump, the shocked expression...and a tiny gift on the floor for all to enjoy.

This went on for a full day...to the point that we thought we were going to have to put her in diapers. So we could be the weird family with that one weird dog. Awesome. So, yeah...weird and gross and I'm totally done talking about it.

A couple other things that I need to talk about eventually but not today because I'm supposed to be making jewelry and painting and probably going to work soon but seriously, remind me because it's all pretty important stuff:

*I'm going to learn morse code to spite James.
*I'm starting a band. It's called "Onward Christian Slater." That's not an original idea...I stole it...er...borrowed it...whatever, it's mine now.
* My band's first video is going to be a re-enactment of "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar...I'm going to try and get Bruce Campbell to play the pimp...the Bruce Campbell as pimp thing was also not my idea although I wish it was because it's AWESOME.
* My band performs telepathically. This is my second mental telepathy band.
* I'm going to New Orleans next week. I'm sure there will be stories. Hopefully not about lost luggage or missed connections.
* I had my teeth bleached at the dentist...'cause you know how important my grill is to me. I have an "in-process" picture...it's disturbing...I will show it to you.
* I got in an argument with a guy because I was stupid enough to think that scientists were conducting research at colleges. I'm not kidding. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said "Oh really? Professors at colleges are teaching classes and doing scientific experiments? And where do scientists do experiments?" I was all "Uh...um...you do realize that...um...you know? Nevermind...I'm just going to walk away now."
*I'm still not done reading all of your blogs and picking fights with you but there's about a gazillion of you out there so it's taking longer than expected and also, everytime I pick a fight with one of you guys you're all super nice to me and invite me over for dinner and dancing and stuff so I think I need a new strategy 'cause clearly this isn't working.

Yeah, don't forget to remind me to tell you about all of that stuff. You pick whatever seems the most important. I mean, it's obviously all really super important but you decide what's MOST important. Except for New Orleans because that hasn't happened yet and although I can do lots of really cool stuff, time travel isn't one of them...yet.


P.S. (and also, there's an f-bomb but I didn't do it...Natalie Dee did and it's ok because I love her and the comic really fits.)


(via www.headlinehumor.com)




www.nataliedee.com

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Updated daily...no matter what.

Go-Getter Me:"Jessica, update your blog."
Procrastinator Me: "I can't...nothing's funny."
Go-Getter Me: "Obama just won the election...it's a monumental day in history, talk about that."
Procrastinator Me: "No...I told you, no politics on Hey Lola. We're Switzerland. We don't care about important issues, we only care about giant heads, dogs and Kevin Bacon."
Go-Getter Me: "Then talk about Gadget...she's a pug, everybody loves pugs!"
Procrastinator Me:"No...then I'll just be known as that crazy pug girl, all 'pug this and pug that' all of the time."
Go-Getter Me: "Maybe you shouldn't have stayed up all night drinking framboise and doing crazy dances."
Procrastinator Me: "Maybe you're just jealous because you didn't get to stay up all night and have fun like me."
Go-Getter Me: "I am you."
Procrastinator Me: "Well then maybe you should quit talking to yourself, freak."

At which point I quit talking to myself and dug up this side by side comparison of kids at a talent show imitating the infamous OK Go treadmill video VS. the actual OK Go treadmill video. If you believe in yourself, you really can do anything!

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Jeux sans frontieres

Is it just me or is Halloween kind of...fading? I had to work this year so I was locked up in an operating room for most of the day and evening. I didn't get to see any of the costumes or festivities but from what I've heard, there really weren't any. Very few kids trick or treating, not very many big parties and costumes were few and far between. It's so sad...I love costumes! To fulfill my costume jones, I did some google-ing and baby, I think I've got your costume fix:

That's Mr. Testicle. He's pretty much awesome. (original image here)

Dog as a millipede. No...seriously, you guys...dog as a millipede. I don't usually say this...actually, I've never said this, ever, even in a text message but...OMG, WTF? ( original image here)

While we're at it, how about these guys?

Because pugs just aren't ridiculous enough just being pugs.(original image here)

It's been a really, really long time since I was a kid but if I remember correctly, it was kind of tough. There was a lot of teasing and trying to fit in and freaking out over having the right shoes and whatever else could possibly turn you into an instant social outcast. I can't imagine dressing up as this would make it any easier:

(original image found here)

This next one...well, if you've got some virgin eyes, now is the time to avert them. I'd also like to say that I don't endorse, approve, disapprove, or know intimately anything about this costume. I only know what it is because my fiance used to be in a fraternity and fraternity guys know about things like this. I'm only posting it because I think it's absolutely hilarious that someone turned it into a costume:

It's called "the shocker." If you don't know what the shocker is, ask a guy who is between the ages of 25 and 35...apparently they all know. DON'T ASK A RELATIVE (seriously, like...don't ask your kid or your nephew or anything). And...well...I'm sorry. You were going to find out somehow, it's better that it comes from me, because I care about you. (image found here)

Here, this will take the edge off:

It's the Operation guy! I totally love this! (Image found here)

And even though this last one isn't a fabulous costume...

...It's somehow a fabulous costume. I'm a sucker for cute dogs and I'm a sucker for E.T. so this one wins all the way around. (original image and about a gazillion other pictures of super cute dogs in costumes found here)

If you've got some ridiculous costume pictures, I'd love to see them. I hope everyone had a safe and happy Halloween!

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