An open letter to Oprah Winfrey...

Dear Oprah Winfrey,

One time I was checking the news, and all of the news outlets said that Candy Spelling (Candi? Candi with a heart over the "i"? Candee?)  was mad at Tori Spelling, so Candy Spelling wrote an open letter to a bunch of celebrities that she didn't even know, and all of the news outlets were all, "HOLY COW!  This is some serious news!" so they all reported it, and then all of the celebrities found out who Candy Spelling was, and Tori Spelling grabbed her pug and everybody went to Applebees and had margaritas.

You're probably wondering what this has to do with you, and for a minute I was too, but then I remembered what my point was and my point is this:  First - open letters to and/or by celebrities move mountains.

Next -you're doing this whole Next Chapter thing, and so am I kinda sorta, and I think this is a perfect time for us to sit down on your couch and share this exciting time in our lives. While you might not think that we have a lot in common, I'd like it to be known that A.) like Tori Spelling, I have a pug, B.) like most celebrities, I love margaritas and C.) I've been to Applebees on more than one occasion.  So, it's pretty obvious that I would fit in really well with you and your celebrity friends.

The gang at Applebees, just being famous, hanging out with pugs, drinking margaritas.

Also, as a bonus, I've eaten everything in sight over the past few months and gained more than a few pounds.  One of my friends just told me I looked like a potato, so if you were thinking of doing one of those positive thinking weight loss shows, you probably can't go wrong with a potato like me.

I don't want to tell you how to live your life, Oprah, but remember how happy we were when we never visited the Grand Canyon together?

Food potatoes for thought...

You have my number...


Steam Me Up, Kid January 25, 2012 at 9:16 PM  

Yayay tampon feet are back!

Pfft. Like they ever left.

Tom G. January 26, 2012 at 9:29 AM  

ZOMG! I've been to Applebees for Margarita's too! We're like practically twins. Maybe Oprah could do a "lost twins re-unite" show with us!

Rebecca Grace January 26, 2012 at 6:47 PM  

You are SO funny. And I don't just go around laughing at everyone, mind you -- I'm choosy. I choose to laugh my ass off at your celebrity Applebees photo -- you must have had a ball doing that.

I wonder if Oprah has paid minions who google her on a regular basis to monitor her image, and if they pass your blog along for Oprah to read. I'm SURE she would want a pair of tampon shoes of her own, and she would probably have given them away to everyone in the audience if her show was still on the air.

Jessica January 26, 2012 at 10:11 PM  

It's true - we did have so much fun drinking margaritas at Applebees. Barry Manilow told the funniest joke, and tequila shot right out of Jennifer Aniston's nose...

Um, in my dreams Oprah has minions who find my blog and give it to my dreams...every night....

Also - you're brilliant. Of course I need to make and market tampon shoes! How will Oprah give them away if they don't exist?

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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