Part of the award winning series *
"How To Be Married,"
by Jessica Benassi,
self-proclaimed expert on marriage.
Once upon a time, not so long ago, my husband decided to take up the art of photography. He's actually pretty good at it, but I don't like to tell him.
Complimenting your husband creates bad habits like positive self image and good self esteem and pride and all of that nonsense that I'd rather not saddle him with or have to deal with on a regular basis. When husbands are good at stuff, it's best that THEY don't know that YOU know that they're good at stuff, because then they'll try harder to make you notice how good they are at stuff by being even BETTER at stuff and the end result is probably going to be breakfast in bed or a spotless house or a back rub or maybe a new car with a bow on it or something.
Anyway, when James got his most recent new camera gadget thingamajig, this happened:
Me: I think I got bit by a spider on my face...
James: That looks kind of gross.
Me: I know. Also, I have a popcorn kernel stuck in my eye or something...
James: Yeah...your eye is pretty red. It's a little swollen, too.
Me: And I spilled coffee on my shirt...
James: Yeah...you're kind of a mess.
Me: I know. I think I need to hide in the house for a while.
James: Cool, I need to play with my new camera...hold still...
Me: I'd rather-
Me: Seriously, please don't take my pict-
Me: No, for real, I don't want -
Me:Seriously, dude, can you please just-
Me: I'm not -
Me: STOP IT!
Me: I'm seriously going to-
Me: No, for real, I'm-
Me: Are you finished?
James: I think so.
James: Just kidding!
Me: You're seriously the worst husband ever....
And that's why:
This is my husband when his hair is a bird and he's being chased by zombies, one of which is scary George Clooney two headed zombie and another zombie who is my dog and all of the zombies are probably going to eat his brains because he runs like a girl, except not like me because I run pretty fast.
Also, he has boobs.
And his hair is a bird.
Because I'm an artist, too.