Dear Beyonce, I hate your song so much.*

Today is my first day off in forever. I was going to spend it telling you eloquent and thought provoking stories about my fabulous life but then I though that you might get jealous and maybe a little sad because my life is so awesome. And then right after that I remembered that I was sitting on my rapidly expanding butt, watching the Paula Abdul E! True Hollywood Story, with real gnarly bed hair, mismatched socks and surrounded by the dirtiest house I've ever seen in my entire life and I thought that maybe some people wouldn't think that was so awesome anyway.

But it is.

Anyway, instead of pouring my heart and soul into this blog like I always do...for you...because I love you that much and you totally take me for granted, by the way and it really hurts my feelings and the very least that you could do is show some appreciation by coming over here and cleaning my house or at least bringing me a donut or something...

...but anyway, I'm not messing around with any of that. Instead I'm going to run around and read all of your blogs and pick fights with you in your comments sections. #1) Because I like to pick fights over the internet and #2) Because I finally have time to read what other people write.

Also, I contacted the Oprah Winfrey Show. I'm sure I'll get the call any day now. I'm going to be so freaking famous.

*"If you like it then you should have put a ring on it"...in my head, all day, every day. Just that one line. I hate it. Also, it makes me feel all Gloria Steinem, like I want to ring up Beyonce and be all, "Really, Beyonce? 'It?' You shoulda put a ring on 'it?' Score one for the objectification of women, Miss Knowles or Mrs. Jay-Z or Sasha Fierce or whoever you are!"...And then I remembered that I don't really think or talk that way and also, I lost Beyonce's number (probably in the vagina purse) so I can't call her and I really just wish that song would go away because it sucks a little piece of my soul out every time I hear it.

17 comments:

carrie January 13, 2009 at 5:37 PM  

I have to say, thanks for making me laugh. Yeah, that's a little corny, but honestly, I read very few blogs and hardly any of them make me laugh out loud like yours does.

Keep up the nonsense.

Laura January 13, 2009 at 6:20 PM  

Hate the song. Hate the video on youtube of a little girl dancing to it even more. blaa

Chimera Crochet January 13, 2009 at 6:23 PM  

Ditto to what Carrie said. But really, where do you here this "beyonce" ? I've never heard the song, but I'm pretty CD-LPy.

Ohh nice word verification. It's gerca AND it's green.

drunkenhopfrog January 13, 2009 at 6:40 PM  

My pop culture genes are slightly retarded. I remember when Beyonce first bust onto the scene... but now everything I hear about her is negative. What did girl do? Is she anything like Paula Abdul? Heh. I remember the major CRUSH I had on Paula (and she dated that chump Arsenio Hall - stopped watching his show because of that. woof woof) in High School. I installed a scrap happy rigged-off stereo, EQ, bass pack in my 1974 Dodge Dart just so I could listen to Rush Rush with buzz bone bass (pissing all parents in lower-class suburbia) on my way to school.

Man, those were the days.

baby baby come to meeeeeeeeeeee

copperseal January 13, 2009 at 10:00 PM  

what's your oprah story, haunted by billboard pop songs?

yeah, i wanna pick a fight. let's do it. bring it.

lol

*sending donut*

Violet January 13, 2009 at 10:55 PM  

It's definite - I. love. you. That damn Beyonce song got under my skin the very first time I saw it. And the video? Trashy, skanky, and slutty don't even begin to describe it. The weird thing is it's a "remake" of Bob Fosse choreography from the early 70s. I heart Bob Fosse. See how real ladies do it here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUXRdqn8LOM&feature=related

Well, not *do it* do it, but y'know, dance do it. Yeah.

Oh - we'll be dancing like this after dinner.

Rachel January 13, 2009 at 10:56 PM  

seriously beyonce needs to just shut it. for good.

Tabmade January 13, 2009 at 11:01 PM  

I'm so glad I'm not the only one that hates that damn song.

Tabmade January 13, 2009 at 11:16 PM  

Hahaa, thanks! He is pleased with your dumbfoundedness and piggy grunts in your general direction.


..or he just can't breath because he's half pug, I dunno. ;9

Vic January 14, 2009 at 5:49 AM  

So I'm in - who's throwing the first punch?

Dawn January 14, 2009 at 11:12 AM  

The worst part about that song is how ridiculously catchy it is. I could hear two words of it and it will stay in my head ALL DAY LONG. That and Kanye West's new one...the title of which I can't remember

Kathleen Coy January 14, 2009 at 4:15 PM  

Hey! YES, you can come to dinner and YES, you can bring your dogs, but only if you bring THE purse!!! It should make for memorable (and possibly uncomfortable) dinner conversation...
And you should try those tiny little aceos, they are totally addictive! Love your little lumpy grey guys, btw... :-)

Phyllis R. Neill January 15, 2009 at 6:01 PM  

I do think Beyonce is a talented singer with a talent for "hooky" lyrics - but musically, there's just something "off" on her melodies and tunes. Maybe it's just me. And yes, that song irks the crap out of me too.

Phyllis R. Neill, www.shementor.com

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy January 17, 2009 at 3:35 PM  

I totally hate that song too, and I always get it stuck in my head. I also always think of a cock ring instead of a regular ring, which is pretty gross, and makes me horny at the same time.

So why haven't you harrassed me in my comments yet? *sniff. I feel unloved.

Pogue January 20, 2009 at 3:52 PM  

Hi Jessica. It took me a lot of hard figurin' to get realize that the way to send you a message on here was through the comment section but now that I'm in, GET READY!! Ready?!?!... hi.

Also, I really, really loved your art show at the OW. As you may know, I'm not really the "artsy" type, but something about your stuf hit me hard. I don't know how to define what it was besides to say it was very human. That's weird, but it makes sense up here(gestures to the dome-piece)

Hyacynth Filippi Worth January 21, 2009 at 9:43 PM  

Have you not posted in a week because Oprah whisked you away on airforce one with her and Barack Obama?
;) Just saying I miss your nonsense.

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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