Dear Beyonce, I hate your song so much.*

Today is my first day off in forever. I was going to spend it telling you eloquent and thought provoking stories about my fabulous life but then I though that you might get jealous and maybe a little sad because my life is so awesome. And then right after that I remembered that I was sitting on my rapidly expanding butt, watching the Paula Abdul E! True Hollywood Story, with real gnarly bed hair, mismatched socks and surrounded by the dirtiest house I've ever seen in my entire life and I thought that maybe some people wouldn't think that was so awesome anyway.

But it is.

Anyway, instead of pouring my heart and soul into this blog like I always do...for you...because I love you that much and you totally take me for granted, by the way and it really hurts my feelings and the very least that you could do is show some appreciation by coming over here and cleaning my house or at least bringing me a donut or something...

...but anyway, I'm not messing around with any of that. Instead I'm going to run around and read all of your blogs and pick fights with you in your comments sections. #1) Because I like to pick fights over the internet and #2) Because I finally have time to read what other people write.

Also, I contacted the Oprah Winfrey Show. I'm sure I'll get the call any day now. I'm going to be so freaking famous.

*"If you like it then you should have put a ring on it"...in my head, all day, every day. Just that one line. I hate it. Also, it makes me feel all Gloria Steinem, like I want to ring up Beyonce and be all, "Really, Beyonce? 'It?' You shoulda put a ring on 'it?' Score one for the objectification of women, Miss Knowles or Mrs. Jay-Z or Sasha Fierce or whoever you are!"...And then I remembered that I don't really think or talk that way and also, I lost Beyonce's number (probably in the vagina purse) so I can't call her and I really just wish that song would go away because it sucks a little piece of my soul out every time I hear it.

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