How to convince everyone you've ever met that you're probably crazy in 50 easy steps.

1. Prepare for an all day art event by not sleeping.
2. Go get coffee before the event.
3. Look at various coffee shop employees like they're crazy when they point out that there's a large marijuana bud stuck to your sweater.
4. Look down and notice what appears to be a large marijuana bud stuck to your sweater.
5. Try to convince everyone that it must belong to your cat, as he's the only person in your house that smokes weed.
6. No one believes you.
7. Storm out angrily.
8. Come back in because you forgot your coffee.
9. Get into your car and realize that the large marijuana bud is actually craft moss.
10. Think about going back into the coffee shop so you can show everyone how wrong they are about you and realize that you can't because the marijuana argument has made you late for your art event.
11. Show up late to the art event.
12. Say yes when someone offers you a glass of wine.
13. Drink glass of wine like it's water.
14. Get immediately light headed because you have not eaten or slept in a very long time.
15. Lean against the wall for support.
16. There is no wall. Fall over.
17. Decide to combat the effects of the no food/no sleep/wine by drinking more coffee.
18. Drink more coffee.
19. Keep drinking coffee.
20. Begin to hallucinate.
21. Have a conversation with someone else who is also sleep deprived and hopped up on caffeine.
22. Walk away from the conversation not sure what either one of you were talking about but suspect that it had something to do with alien abductions and art on other planets.
23. Mentally congratulate yourself for being edgy enough to talk about art on other planets.
24. Berate yourself for being pretentious enough to talk about art on other planets.
25. Suddenly remember the actual conversation which did not involve aliens or art on other planets, but rather, the effect of no sleep and too much caffeine on a person's mental status.
26. Hear someone ask why there's a Barbie Doll in your purse.
27. Inform them that it's not a Barbie Doll, it's Mary Catherine Gallagher. Do not elaborate.
28. Yay! Emily is here! Hug Emily...get introduced to friend that she brought with her.
29. Thank them both for coming by asking them to carry heavy things down a flight of stairs for you.
30. Go get food.
31. Pass out in your purse while waiting for food.
32. Wake up because you can hear muffled laughter.
33. Pull your head out of your purse. Mary Catherine Gallagher is stuck to your hair.
34. Try to explain that you were just resting your eyes.
35. No one believes you.
36. Consider storming out angrily but remember that you're not very good at that sort of thing.
37. Go home to sleep.
38. Do not go to sleep. Go out.
39. Stay out until 4 in the morning.
40. Feel less than fantastic the next day. Hope that you don't get called into work.
41. Get called into work.
42. Work for 24 hours straight.
43. Eat a bag of chips and a sandwich and drink lots of coffee.
44. Start feeling strange. Think to yourself that you might need a coffee intervention.
45. Resist the urge to ask anyone else if they saw the koala bears driving that van that just went by.
46. Koala bears are so cute.
46. Pass out on your bosses office floor.
47. Wake up an hour later, underneath a plastic skeleton, surrounded by hospital supplies and covered in a bath towel.
48. Go back to work.
49. Get home 32 hours after you left. Eat food. Drink water. Pass out.
50. Wake up 24 hours later. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

P.S. I would have written a much better blog entry except the last few days are kind of blurry. It's either the large amounts of caffeine combined with very little sleep or my cat has been slipping roofies in my coffee...I doubt it's the cat though, because yesterday I caught him smoking the craft moss so I'm thinking his supply is too low to just be handing freebies out around the house. Also:

Natalie Dee
www.nataliedee.com

and also:

Toothpaste For Dinner
www.toothpastefordinner.com

And having nothing to do with today's blog post at all but just because I felt like it:

superpoop.com
superpoop.com

14 comments:

copperseal March 19, 2009 at 9:24 PM  

omg i worship you for owning a Mary Catherine Gallagher action figure.

Pogue March 20, 2009 at 6:21 AM  

Good post, weirdo. It's a good thing that you and Rustie are seperated geographically. That would be too much concentrated strangness. It might blow up the world.

Parallax March 20, 2009 at 7:02 AM  

Mmm, coffee! (goes for refill)



That was the moral of that tale, right? lol

John Ross March 20, 2009 at 8:54 AM  

I love the stuff you write.

Yes, I can vouch for the validity of the theory that one WILL start to halucinate after about 72 hours without sleep...and not in any good way-thankfuly, not recently.

On a less fun note - be carefull of too much sleep deprivation - more accidents are caused per year by that than by alchohol(insurance data) - and someone very close to me died when she fell asleep at the wheel.

Thanks for making your marathon weirdness so entertaining for the rest of us. definately a good read.

Insanity Kim March 20, 2009 at 9:39 AM  

You know where you went wrong in all of this, don't you?

ESPRESSO!! Sheesh...then you could have spoken of alien artwork depicting cat abductions, and the 80's documentary UFO's Are Real, with eloquence and authority. Man that one kept me up for days, sans espresso!

I suggest you put tinfoil, shiny side in, on all your windows. Aliens love sleep-deprived artists with doped-up cats.

Kathleen Coy March 20, 2009 at 9:39 AM  

Makes note of "To Do List" for next art show...

Hey, I see you have another blog! **runs off to check it out**

Laura March 20, 2009 at 5:42 PM  

Wow. I am super impressed with your cat. Do you roll for it or can it roll its own?

Captain Dumbass March 20, 2009 at 6:54 PM  

Was the cat smoking it for medicinal purposes or does he have a problem?

Chimera Crochet March 20, 2009 at 7:39 PM  

Sometimes I just search coffee on tfd and read the pages of them over and over, because they are some of my favorites. All you left out was a mtts comic and you would have had all four. Rock on you.

Blond Across the Pond March 20, 2009 at 9:22 PM  

LOL - you made my day again because I laughed out loud. Craft moss DOES look like weed!! Glad you finally got some sleep.

jeweledrabbit March 21, 2009 at 6:57 PM  

I knew you were crazy before I read this post.

w March 24, 2009 at 1:53 PM  

why didn't you say hi to me when i waved at you in the coffee shop?

and give me back my doll. i'm the supah star!

Sarah D March 26, 2009 at 9:34 PM  

You never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever
cease to amaze me.

I should just give up blogging--everyone but you should! I'm serious. You're a genius and I declare you queen of blogspot.

Also, (hah) coffee (hah) soon. Or perhaps tea for you. :)

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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