I'm starting an awareness campaign for pregnant brides because seriously, people should be way nicer to us.
So, shortly after I shredded my wedding dress (it's ok, I did it on purpose, it's going to be totally awesome) I was sitting at dinner with my jerkface Anonymous Friend.
Me: So, I really love my wedding dress but I think I'm going to have to start exercising to get rid of my waggle.
Anonymous Friend: That's easy...just do squats.
Me: For my waggle? That's not gonna work...
Anonymous Friend: Wait...what's waggle?
Me: The floaty, saggy, hangy stuff under your arms...like...wings except no cool flying ability.
Anonymous Friend: Ooooooh....yikes.
Me: Yeah...waggle is like penguin wings, kinda. I wonder if penguins hate their wings as much as I hate waggle?
Anonymous Friend: Maybe. Probably not.
Me: Like, they're always trying to come up with new exercises to work off their wings 'cause really, it's just unneccessary fat.
Anonymous Friend: I don't really think it's the same thing.
Me: Anyway, do you think if someone just lifted your arms up and down while you slept, that would get rid of it?
Anonymous Friend: No.
Me: Why, though? I mean, think about it...it's exercise, it's just that somebody else does it for you. My arms would still be working out.
Anonymous Friend: That's not how exercise works, you know. You have to actually...you know...exercise.
Me: Um...I'm pretty sure that's what I just said.
Anonymous Friend: I think there has to be some resistance involved.
Me: Right. That's why I'll have my arm, like...rubberbanded to the bed or something. That way when the exercise guy pulls my arm up, my arm will resist. I'm going to be so toned.
Anonymous Friend: You're ridiculous. That's not going to work. Also, you're going to have to pay somebody to do that and he's probably going to try and touch your boobs or something while you sleep.
Me: Nuh-uh. I'll hire a bodyguard, too.
Anonymous Friend: Because you have all of this money how...?
Me: My exercise system is patent pending. I'm probably going to be rich and buff.
Anonymous Friend: This is the dumbest idea ever.
Me: Well, I don't know what you expect me to do. I have to look good in my wedding dress and I can't really exert myself.
Anonymous Friend: Because...?
Me: Because I'm pregnant! Duh...
Anonymous Friend: Oh my god...seriously...you're still doing this...
Me: It's not like you can all of the sudden decide 3 years in that you don't want to be pregnant anymore. Didn't you ever take anatomy? You're super insensitive.
Anonymous Friend: You're super really not pregnant.
Me: I'm really imaginarily pregnant, asshat.
Anonymous friend: uh-huh.
Me: Also, I'd like a baby shower.
Anonymous Friend: No.
Me: For real. With cake and stuff.
Anonymous Friend: Absolutely not.
Me: Like, did you see the cakes on my blog?
Anonymous Friend: I don't read your blog.
Me: Too bad...I say really nice things about you all of the time. You're pratically a my-blog celebrity because of all of the nice things I say about you all of the time.
Anonymous Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah...so you should totally throw me a shower and also, I forgot to bring money. You're buying dinner, right?
Anonymous Friend: Remind me why I'm friends with you?
Me: Because I'm awesome.
Anonymous Friend: Riiiiiight.
Yeah, so she totally sucks. She refuses to throw me a shower, even when I told her she could make me a giant vagina purse cake with a baby coming out of it all posed like Venus on the half shell which seriously, would probably be something she could put on her resume. Then she came over to my house and she and James made fun of my patent-pending fitness program so probably pretty soon I'm going to have to move to the mountains or something so my baby and I can live in peace, far, far away from all of this negativity I'm constantly surrounded with.
P.S. So I thought pretty much everyone had seen this video but when it came up in conversation about 15 times this week, it turns out that lots of people have NOT seen this video. Which is stupid. Because seriously...awesome. Also, I was going to warn you that the content is kind of raunchy juvenile humor but then I remembered that you were at my blog so you're probably already used to a lot of immaturity.