I'm starting an awareness campaign for pregnant brides because seriously, people should be way nicer to us.

So, shortly after I shredded my wedding dress (it's ok, I did it on purpose, it's going to be totally awesome) I was sitting at dinner with my jerkface Anonymous Friend.

Me: So, I really love my wedding dress but I think I'm going to have to start exercising to get rid of my waggle.
Anonymous Friend: That's easy...just do squats.
Me: For my waggle? That's not gonna work...
Anonymous Friend: Wait...what's waggle?
Me: The floaty, saggy, hangy stuff under your arms...like...wings except no cool flying ability.
Anonymous Friend: Ooooooh....yikes.
Me: Yeah...waggle is like penguin wings, kinda. I wonder if penguins hate their wings as much as I hate waggle?
Anonymous Friend: Maybe. Probably not.
Me: Like, they're always trying to come up with new exercises to work off their wings 'cause really, it's just unneccessary fat.
Anonymous Friend: I don't really think it's the same thing.
Me: Anyway, do you think if someone just lifted your arms up and down while you slept, that would get rid of it?
Anonymous Friend: No.
Me: Why, though? I mean, think about it...it's exercise, it's just that somebody else does it for you. My arms would still be working out.
Anonymous Friend: That's not how exercise works, you know. You have to actually...you know...exercise.
Me: Um...I'm pretty sure that's what I just said.
Anonymous Friend: I think there has to be some resistance involved.
Me: Right. That's why I'll have my arm, like...rubberbanded to the bed or something. That way when the exercise guy pulls my arm up, my arm will resist. I'm going to be so toned.
Anonymous Friend: You're ridiculous. That's not going to work. Also, you're going to have to pay somebody to do that and he's probably going to try and touch your boobs or something while you sleep.
Me: Nuh-uh. I'll hire a bodyguard, too.
Anonymous Friend: Because you have all of this money how...?
Me: My exercise system is patent pending. I'm probably going to be rich and buff.
Anonymous Friend: This is the dumbest idea ever.
Me: Well, I don't know what you expect me to do. I have to look good in my wedding dress and I can't really exert myself.
Anonymous Friend: Because...?
Me: Because I'm pregnant! Duh...
Anonymous Friend: Oh my god...seriously...you're still doing this...
Me: It's not like you can all of the sudden decide 3 years in that you don't want to be pregnant anymore. Didn't you ever take anatomy? You're super insensitive.
Anonymous Friend: You're super really not pregnant.
Me: I'm really imaginarily pregnant, asshat.
Anonymous friend: uh-huh.
Me: Also, I'd like a baby shower.
Anonymous Friend: No.
Me: For real. With cake and stuff.
Anonymous Friend: Absolutely not.
Me: Like, did you see the cakes on my blog?
Anonymous Friend: I don't read your blog.
Me: Too bad...I say really nice things about you all of the time. You're pratically a my-blog celebrity because of all of the nice things I say about you all of the time.
Anonymous Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah...so you should totally throw me a shower and also, I forgot to bring money. You're buying dinner, right?
Anonymous Friend: Remind me why I'm friends with you?
Me: Because I'm awesome.
Anonymous Friend: Riiiiiight.

Yeah, so she totally sucks. She refuses to throw me a shower, even when I told her she could make me a giant vagina purse cake with a baby coming out of it all posed like Venus on the half shell which seriously, would probably be something she could put on her resume. Then she came over to my house and she and James made fun of my patent-pending fitness program so probably pretty soon I'm going to have to move to the mountains or something so my baby and I can live in peace, far, far away from all of this negativity I'm constantly surrounded with.

P.S. So I thought pretty much everyone had seen this video but when it came up in conversation about 15 times this week, it turns out that lots of people have NOT seen this video. Which is stupid. Because seriously...awesome. Also, I was going to warn you that the content is kind of raunchy juvenile humor but then I remembered that you were at my blog so you're probably already used to a lot of immaturity.

11 comments:

Pogue March 25, 2009 at 10:54 PM  

Is one of your "labels" actually jizz in my pants? Are you just putting this stuff in there to completely blow my mind? Success! Check mark.

Jessica Kyle's Mind
1 blown

Peace.

Blond Across the Pond March 26, 2009 at 4:12 AM  

Please tell us more about your dress - can't wait to hear your design! Yes, I also worry about the arm fat flapping so I'm just going to be sure to only do certain kinds of dance moves such as the robot at my wedding and casually flex my bicep everytime I raise my glass for a toast. It'll be cool.

Violet March 26, 2009 at 8:33 AM  

See, I can't decide if you are looney tunes or freakin' brilliant...

The video is FABulous!

Kathleen Coy March 26, 2009 at 9:01 AM  

Love the video, I probably would be one of those who hadn't heard of it, if it weren't for my hubby. Being married to a younger man has more than one thing going for it, apparently...

Pogue March 26, 2009 at 10:13 AM  

a) The video didn't come up when I read this the first time.
b) My comment didn't print in the right format, and now appears to make no sense.
c) Let's just forget the whole thing.
d) Good post.

Laura March 26, 2009 at 12:42 PM  

I have seen the video!! I feel like I should win a prize!
I want to see your dress too.

Oh and I could not get ass bunnies out of my brain for some reason so I made one. http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=22778350
I changed the name to Butt Bunny for Etsy but what ever.

Insanity Kim March 26, 2009 at 12:48 PM  

I hate your friend. In a "she's fun to hang around with and have free lunch with" kind of way.

See, my bingo wings, as I lovingly call them, are a great distraction from my hairy armpits. Plus if I am cold I can use them as a shall...you might want to incorporate that idea into you shredded dress in case you don't lose them in time.

I did not watch the video. I want to be the only person in the world who hasn't.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy March 26, 2009 at 5:22 PM  

If that exercise worked and I could afford to have someone come do it for me, I would be forever in your debt.

Hyacynth Filippi Worth March 28, 2009 at 12:51 PM  

From one pregnant mama to another, really shoulde be exercising. I realize your baby is going to be a jillion pounds because it's been growing for so long inside of you, but that means you're really going to need all those muscles to get it out. ;)

anonymouselasmobranch March 29, 2009 at 12:01 PM  

Dear Lovely HeyLola,
Because I have been blinded by your inspiration and awesomeness, and because I feel for all your imaginary mothers,, I have given your blog a "this blog is awesome" award (it's on my blog, but I promise this isn't a shameless plug of my own blog...). I'm thinking you can add it to your resume and then there's no way Oprah will be able to resist you!
Megan

ElegantSnobbery March 31, 2009 at 9:48 AM  

Love your blog! I'm seriously cracking up... I was 5 months pregnant when I got married and I can relate to that conversation oh so very well.

And of course, any video where the guy says, "I ate a grape and I jizzed in my pants" is pure genius.

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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