The internet hates me.

It's true. First, I got all salt and pepper shaker obsessed and I was going to write about them over at The Lola Show and Etsy was all, "um...yeah...sorry, site maintenance and all. No salt and pepper shakers for you." Which by itself isn't really that bad...

Then I was going to read and comment on some blogs, but everyone's comment verification thing is broken. Seriously. For like a half an hour I've been beating strange words into my keyboard. I'm not sure why, but apparently I think that pounding the letters into my keyboard might somehow make them more acceptable to the word verification gods - but it doesn't. Also, I guess I must yell a lot when my word can't be verified because James totally caught me screaming at the computer.

James: Did you just yell "crawlpants?"
Me: No.
James: Seriously...I just heard you...you yelled "crawlpants!"
Me: No I didn't...
James: Uh huh...

James: OK! I heard you! You just screamed "vagillion!"
Me: No I didn't.
James: What's a "vagillion," anyway?
Me: I have no idea what you're talking about.
James: Right.

James: Ok. I'm standing right here. Not only did I hear you yell "hummusbutt," I saw you.
Me: Um...
James: What are you doing, anyway?
Me: I'm trying to enter the letters as they appear! And everytime I do, the internet is all, "NO. We told you to enter....the...letters...as...they...APPEAR." and then I do and the internet keeps telling me I'm not doing it right! Hakzat! HAK-ZAT!!!!
HAKZAT!!!!!
James: You should probably maybe walk away for a little bit.
Me: SOCKJERKY!
James: Seriously...
Me: WARTNOODLE!!!!!!!

I pretty much had a complete breakdown at that point, but in my defense, I'm about halfway through my 56th trimester and I'm pretty sure that Mister Spock said that this is the most emotional time for a pregnant woman...which I am. Imaginarily.

Anyway, after I calmed down a bit, I went to my Flickr account and I was all flattered because somebody added me as a favorite, except when I went to see who they were, they Flickr flashed me! Seriously...they picked a necklace as their favorite and then when I went to see who they were, it was all boobs and naked chicks and porn in their photo stream...which...you know, is fine if you've been warned but when you're all hormonal and your imaginary baby is clog dancing in your uterus and James is making fun of you because you can't verify even one word, the last thing that you want is to be slapped in the face with giant boobs and 1970's vaginas. Especially after the internet threw "vagillion" at you and you start to think of that scene in "A Chorus Line" where all of the dancers are singing that they're "One...singular sensation" and they keep multiplying and there's just a ton of them...like a gazillion...except now you have "vagillion" in your head so it instantly becomes all warped and it's a vagillion dancing vaginas in gold tuxedo jackets and shiny top hats and they're all singing about "One...bur-ning sensation" which is super bizarre because they're vaginas and it's like some really surreal STD clinic commercial or something.

So...you know...I think it's probably time for me to go to bed.

P.S.

12 comments:

Pogue March 30, 2009 at 6:07 AM  

I want you to know how brave I think you are to carry this (imaginary)baby to full term, even if that length of time is only determined in your weird head. You are a hero, Jessica. Do you hear me? A hero...

Also, once again, the "Labels" section slays me.

Insanity Kim March 30, 2009 at 7:20 AM  

Wow.

My blog doesn't have a verification box. psh. You could have left a vagillion comments on mine...

Cat March 30, 2009 at 2:05 PM  

1970's the worst decade for vaginas, i'm totally horrified on your behalf.

Kathleen Coy March 30, 2009 at 3:57 PM  

Last month I had "feces" as a word verification on someone's blog. Seriously.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy March 30, 2009 at 4:48 PM  

hahahahahaha...vagillions...hahahahahahaha

I have no words.

Blond Across the Pond March 31, 2009 at 2:47 AM  

I refuse to get glasses so sometimes on the word verification thing I have to lean in to see it and then I still can't see what the hell it says...so annoying. The preggers stick figure is so cute.

copperseal March 31, 2009 at 9:05 AM  

okay woah woah woah i'm pretty sure you forgot to mention that apart from having a kickass imaginary baby blog you also have a SHOW??

in that case, i do wish you're doing it properly and have a suitable channel to stream it on that attracts the same kind of audience you do here like Lifetime, Hallmark, and Discovery Channel. i'll also comment that if you're theme song to your show isn't "kick back with hamsters and dawgs, parakeets, rabbits and scorpions" i'm going to have to come find you and kick your 56th trimester baby in the mouth. which will be easy to do since it must be so easily locatable as in the cartoon you posted.

i now notice how much of a violent threat this comment is.

would a hug suffice? ;)

ElegantSnobbery March 31, 2009 at 9:52 AM  

"One vagillion vaginas... every little step she takes-
One vagillion vaginas... every move that she makess."

That's quite catchy, actually!

and also, word verifications are the bane of my existence. Seriously. I'm an intelligent person. I know the alphabet and I can see very clearly that I entered the letters EXACTLY AS THEY APPEARED. Stupid word verification.

jeweledrabbit April 1, 2009 at 4:35 PM  

Every time I read one of your posts I run out of breath. *pants like a dog*

Redd April 2, 2009 at 6:45 PM  

Saw this and thought of you!
http://craftastrophe.net/2009/04/jam-clam/

w April 6, 2009 at 8:23 PM  

i have nothing. help.me.

pokemon. that could be a word verification. or. that could be how you got imaginatorily pregnant.

H F W April 7, 2009 at 7:26 PM  

Oh, Jessica, thank you for another moment where I almost peed my maternity pants while laughing at your posts. Really, thank you. :)

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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