A&E should do an Intervention show about Bravo, because Rachel Zoe and the Atlanta Housewives are seriously ruining my life.

I'd like to say that I haven't posted in over a month because of all of the empire building I'm doing over here. Like, I can't post because I'm knee deep in construction projects and renovation projects and red tape and legal mumbo jumbo and 10,000 pounds of jewelry parts. I'd like to say that and really, I am buried in all of that stuff...but... I've had spare time.

I keep late hours, hours in which renovation isn't possible and lawyers don't want to talk to you.

I've had the computer in front of me multiple times, all ready to go.

I've had people ask me how my new baby is and I'm all, "Oh, he's great, he's in college now, going to be a neuroastrosurgeonautologist...read my blog, I'll probably post pictures tonight!"

...and then I get home and I'm all..."OMG, there's a Rachel Zoe marathon. She's totally going to shut it down. I have to watch this. Seriously. Lit.er.ally."

And James looks at me like I'm crazy person, which isn't really anything new and I don't even know why I even bother asking him why he's looking at me like that but I always do anyway so I'm like, "What?"

James: Why are you talking like a moron?
Me: OMG. I'm totally not. Seriously.
James: Seriously, you totally are. Knock it off. Also, didn't you just watch the Bravo channel for 3 days straight this week when you had the flu?
Me: OMG. It was bananas. Those shoes were O.O.C. Right? I died. I...lit.er.ally just...died.
James: No you didn't. You had the flu.
Me: What are you talking about?
James: You already saw this show...many, many times.
Me: I know. I die.
James: What are you talking about?
Me: What are YOU talking about?
James: I'm going out to the garage.

So then I have to call Emily because she's a girl and married and rational and she knows exactly how difficult it is sometimes to be in a marriage where communication is such a problem.

Emily: I was going to call you!
Me: I know. I saw on facebook that you were sick. Are you ok?
Emily: Oh man, it was so bad, I thought I was going to die.
Me: Bananas. Was it vertigo? Rachel Zoe had vertigo.
Emily: no...it was...
Me: Did you die? Lit.er.ally? She literally just died. Except she wasn't dead.
Emily: Um...no. I had labyrinthitis.
Me: Shut UP! Was your stomach the bog of eternal stench? Was David Bowie floating all over the place in tight pants, trying to steal your baby brother?
Emily: Um...no...I was all dizzy and...
Me: Were you "Tardy for the Par-dee?"
Emily: What?
Me: Don't be tard-dee fer tha par-dee...whoa oh oh oh oh oh....don't be tard-ee for the par-dee....
Emily: Are you talking to me or are you talking to somebody else?
Me: Sorry. Remember how Kim can't sing and everybody was making fun of her last season? Well, this season there's this new housewife and she's a singer and she totally hooked Kim up with this dance song and they played it at this party and they totally shut.it.down.
Emily: Who's Kim?
Me: The Real Housewives of Atlanta? Hello?
Emily: Riiiight....hey, can I call you back later? I'm not feeling so great.
Me: Oh, cool, no problem. Top Chef is on anyway. Hey! Tell David Bowie I said "hey sexy!" and I love his hair.
Emily: Right.

Anyway, I started watching Top Chef and I was going to blog but then I thought I'd look up "labyrinthitis" because that is seriously, the best fake illness name EVER and Emily is hilarious for thinking it up and HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS!

Labyrinthitis is real.

Like, super real, makes you feel like crap and your eyes go all weird and you're dizzy and pukey and it's kind of like if you had vertigo and then a mathematician came along and squared it and then a better mathematician came along and squared it again. Seriously uncomfortable, freaky, weird, REAL illness.

Anyway, I called Emily back and I was all, "I'm SO sorry I made fun of your labyrinthitis, I thought you were talking about the movie and I got all distracted because David Bowie is SO hot." And it turns out she's only seen Labyrinth one time instead of the zillion times that I've seen it, and she actually HAD labyrinthitis so her first thought was "I think I'm going to puke because of my labyrinthitis" and my first thought was, "Emily is my greatest friend ever because she makes up illnesses based on David Bowie movies" so we weren't really even on the same page at all. Plus, she doesn't watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta and also, "Tardy for the Party" isn't really a very good song so I'm probably super lucky that she even answered the phone when I called her back.

The good news is, she did know that Rachel Zoe had vertigo and she agreed that it was bananas. She also agreed that the shoes were OOC and that when she is cured of her labyrinthitis, we should dress like David Bowie in Labyrinth and go out and shut.it.down.

Seriously.


Literally.

Or, as my friend Emily says, "literaseriously."

P.S. First, I can't post pictures of my kid because he's doing top secret government work and I have to protect his identity...and also, he inherited my giant head and it's hard to get a good picture. Second:



Bizarro.

10 comments:

musicjunkie October 8, 2009 at 8:14 AM  

If I was in school, I'd like totally want to bring you to show and tell!

Insanitykim October 8, 2009 at 11:35 AM  

Man, it was hard to convince myself that this post wasn't about me, despite my normal narcissistic tendencies, because after your month of absence and near death, you mentioned my name, and my singing abilities, AND labyrinthitis, which of COURSE is real because I have it, and I am NOT kidding (trying to spell that while dizzy is very hard). For reals. I lie not.

So all I can say is though this is all about me, I am glad you decided to fabricate my actual location, because I can't take all the fan attention when the room is spinning.

I am so glad your son is grown and doing secret things for our government. Could he please cure me? And Emily? I would share any cure he gave me. I mean, I don't think about my self 100% of the time...I just love my altruistic attributes...

copperseal October 8, 2009 at 4:02 PM  

i feel that over time your mind is going to create an alter ego that realizes your uncontrollable obsession with Bravo and you're going to be like the crazy dog in the video only instead of the dog it's you and instead of its weirdass leg it's your left arm reaching for the remote.

i can only hope you don't bit yourself. i hear you could get labyrinthitis.

Vic October 8, 2009 at 11:18 PM  

Luckily I don't have Bravo or I'd be in real trouble. As it is I've wasted weeks out of my life watching stupid stuff like "Intervention" and "Paranormal State". Meanwhile, the cursor on my computer just blinks and blinks. Sigh.

I just got over vertigo/labrynthitis. It sucks, and everybody thinks you've been drinking.

Kathleen Coy October 10, 2009 at 8:28 AM  

This post conjured up pleasant thoughts of David Bowie in tight pants, and I thank you for that.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy October 17, 2009 at 10:01 AM  

Labrynthitis. Definitely the coolest sickness to ever get. Except for the whole "being sick" part.

John Ross October 21, 2009 at 9:25 PM  

Yes, there is a Santa Claus, and yes, he lives at the north pole and....oh wait, that was a diferent thing.......Labrynth is a great movie. Thank God they never tried to do a sequel and have it be to.ta.ly Bogus(like Never Ending Story too)

by the way, love your somewhat destablized rants and ramblings.

linlah November 5, 2009 at 7:41 PM  

When I watch Rachel Zoe my vocabulary dies, it just dies, it leterally dies but I'm addicted too.

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