Despite James' best efforts to destroy me, my brain is still here for you.

First things first:

No one has given me $60,000 yet so I'm placing an ad in the middle of my own blog for my own store for people to buy my stuff that I made with my own bare hands. Here it is:


You can buy my stuff here. Do it for the penguins...and for me, too, because obviously I'm not just sitting around making stuff for penguins...I have bad habits to support and also, penguins probably don't really even need my help...actually, screw the penguins. Just do it for me.

Anyway, no one has donated to my very worthy cause, so James and I pawned all of our shoes and stuff to go to Las Vegas this weekend. We were going to a wedding and I thought it would be kind of romantic and we could do
Las Vegas-y stuff like renew our vows with Elvis and gamble our life savings away, but once again, James just used it as another opportunity to try and kill me for the insurance money.

Me: Do you think it's safe for me to fly with the flu?
James: Yes.
Me: I'm really congested, though.
James: Uh-huh.
Me: My ears could explode.
James: Your ears won't explode.
Me: I'm going to google it.
James: Google is not the answer for everything.
Me: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

James: Did you just google "earballs exploding in space?"
Me: Yes.
James: Earballs exploding in space?
Me: I need to make sure my brain doesn't explode on the plane, stupid.
James: What's an earball?
Me: The inside of your ear, obviously.
James: And the plane to Vegas is going to...outer space?
Me: Close enough. Also, I'm way better at googling than you, so don't question my methods. You have to phrase things just right or you'll get a bunch of porn back in your search results.

James: It's weird that people think you're smart.
Me: I'm super smart - that's why I have to make sure my brain doesn't explode. People depend on my brain and also, quit trying to distract me from my research and make me die.


Anyway, after James left me alone and I was able to continue my research, I found out a couple of things: I'm not the only one who has what is a completely rational fear of the flu making my brain explode on an airplane. Not by a long shot. Also, if you have to get on a plane and you don't want your earballs to explode, you should suck on menthol cough drops. This is true and you should trust me because A.) I'm very good at googling and B.) I once wanted to be a doctor.

You're welcome.

P.S. Somebody commented that if anybody deserved glitter boogers, it would be me. That's probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Also, if you google "glitter boogers," this comes up:

2 comments:

Insanitykim February 18, 2011 at 3:07 PM  

Wait, did the girl in the sumo-suit wave, and then assault her ex-gfriend, or, did the ex-gfriend wave and then get assaulted by the sumo-suit wearing crazy woman?

Did he pick the Snickers bar because it has nuts?

What is wrong with me?

I think MY eyeballs and earballs just exploded.

Google is my frenemy.

Insanitykim February 18, 2011 at 3:07 PM  

Oh yeah. I want that owl. I have no money though. I hope wanting it at least saves penguins in some weird way.

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About This Blog

Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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