My Heart Keeps Beating Like a Hamburger...

James: Is she saying "hamburger?"
Me: Who?
James: In the song...she's saying something is like a hamburger.
Me: It's not a hamburger.
James: Yes it is..listen...something, something, something "hamburger."
Me: It's her heart...her heart is beating like a "hammer."
James: That's stupid. What does that even mean?
Me: Are you dumb?
James: Am I dumb? "ooooo, look at me, I'm too cool for lyrics that make sense 'cause I'm all edgy and stuff." You're an idiot.
Me: HAMMER. Her heart is beating like a HAMMER.

James: Oh. Well that makes more sense.
Me: It's amazing what listening does.
James: Whatever, you're still an idiot.
Me: Because your heart is beating like a hamburger?
James: No. Just because.

Normally I would argue with him, but in the last 24 hours I pretty much proved him right by:

* Throwing my self into a set of dog stairs when I tripped over a piece of air that was...hanging in the air or something.

* Falling off of a ledge in our office when I tripped over a piece of air, launching my knee into a steel safe, after which I immediately rolled around on the floor in agony for a half an hour while my co-workers gathered around, drank coffee and laughed at me.

* Recovering from the safe incident and immediately tripping over a piece of air and falling down a short set of steps.

* Throwing myself off my front porch when I tripped over a piece of air.

* Nearly spraining my wrist when I punched James in the elbow for laughing at me when I tripped over a piece of...air.

And just so everyone is clear...there's ice covering every square inch of nearly every surface here and I have injured myself half a dozen times in the last day by tripping over AIR. For my own safety I clearly shouldn't be allowed to do anything but stay in bed all day and watch reality t.v. and eat microwave popcorn ...

(while wearing goggles because in addition to tripping over air I also got a freaking popcorn kernel stuck in my eye for three days and also got my face mauled half off by a killer spider which almost got me fired from my job except I'm really great at my job, and also I'm the only one willing to do it for the $3.00 an hour that they pay me even if I do show up looking like some Deliverance reject...but that's a different story.)


Ms. Clapper. February 9, 2011 at 11:19 PM  

i almost peeed laughing at this. i love you. also, i love that metric song. <3

Pogue February 10, 2011 at 10:45 AM  

It's those disproportionately large feet of yours. Oh, and the ice.

JUST ME February 10, 2011 at 10:07 PM  

When I lived in NYC, I tripped on air SO MANY TIMES. I don't know what it was about that city...but it wanted me to trip. Every day.

Jessica (Hey Lola) February 10, 2011 at 10:31 PM  

Ms. Clapper - you should hang around more on Mondays. I make people pee all of the time. Mostly 'cause I feed them lots of drinks and put warm washcloths on their hands.
Pogue - My feet aren't big. The tampons on my feet are big. And waterlogged.
Just Me - I would probably die in New York City. Actually, I visited once and I think I might have almost died then.

Insanitykim February 18, 2011 at 3:30 PM  

Is your husband named, "air" because I am about to go grab that Fienenesnenes guy and some dodgeballs and slap your husband with 45 pieces of bologna...

If you're being abused, Oprah can help you and HEY! You might get on her show faster!

If not, get his name legally changed to "Air" then you could all change your last name to "Head" and have all kinds of fun.

I might need to go in Time Out for a while now.

Organic Meatbag March 1, 2011 at 12:04 PM  

Ironically, hamburgers almost make my heart STOP beating!

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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