Bunions are funions except no they're not and apparently creepy feet creep people out.

Most people who know me know that I have ugly feet. Not because they've seen them - my feet are so ugly that I generally don't let them see the light. Most people know my feet are ugly because I've told them and someone who has been unfortunate enough to have actually seen them has served as a witness. Yes. Yes, she has the ugliest feet ever.

 Anyway, about a month ago my left foot started to hurt. Always. No matter what. Throbbing, painful, left foot. I almost became a doctor when I was in college, so I knew just what to do. I googled it.

 Me: I googled my foot and guess what?!?
James: You have bunions.
Me: Yeah, but guess what else?!?
James: I give up.
Me: I have bursitis!
James: No you don't.
Me: I do. I have bursitis and I'm going to the foot doctor tomorrow and they're probably going to give me a cane and I'M LIKE MY OWN FREAKING EPISODE OF "HOUSE" RIGHT NOW! 
James: You don't have bursitis.
Me: You're so jealous ...

 Anyway, I went to the doctor and told them about my bursitis and asked them for a cane so I could be my own episode of "House" but they said no and instead, they chopped up my foot while I was sleeping:

I'm sorry about this creepy picture of my creepy foot, but look at it this way: at least it's not your creepy foot.

My bunion and I had actually become friends.  I named him "Kuato" and sometimes, when I was falling asleep, I could hear him underneath the covers whispering ,"Quaaaaaaid......Quaaaaaaid."  So, you know, I was sad that we had to murder him.  However, I'm pretty pleased with Frankenfoot so far...

...except for the part about the crutches.

So...I got my crutches and I was all, "Meh...crutches, smutches...who needs two feet?  I'm like a ninja anyway. I'll be vaulting over brick walls and using these as weapons before you can blink"...

And then I tried my crutches and it turns out I'm terrible on them.  Like - really bad.  I just keep tripping over stuff and falling on stuff and losing my balance. Also, when your hands are all pre-occupied trying to work your crutches, then they become pretty much useless, too.  So basically, surgery on your foot = no hands and only one good foot, and it's only a good foot if it doesn't try and trip you all of the time...which mine does....so basically, I'm just a torso on stilts right now.

Showering is dangerous and I can only shower while someone else is in the house with me, because chances are pretty good that I will fall and break something....like myself.  This week our local cell phone tower went down, so I can't call anyone...including my husband to find out when he will be home so I can shower safely. I also can't work from home, which was the plan for this week, but no longer works when you don't have access to a phone.

Stairs have taken me out three times so far.

I don't think stairs are done with me yet.

My nerves are a little frazzled.  

On the way to my doctor's appointment today, I heard a song that I decided was about putting your dog to sleep and started crying hysterically.  

It was a CD and I immediately ejected it and threw it out the window.

And by "threw it out the window", I mean I hit repeat.  All the way to the doctor's office, because ...
...I have no idea why, I'm like a crazy person these days.

Did I mention that I hadn't showered?

Did I mention that I'm allergic to everything?  It's true.  Including the sticky stuff that's on the heart monitors that they use when you go in for surgery to have your foot mutilated. 
 My entire torso looks like chicken pox.  Chicken pox torso on stilts.

Also, I get really blotchy when I get emotional and I fidget with my hair.
Smelly chicken pox torso on stilts with a bird's nest head.

By the time I walked into the reception area at the doctor's office, I was this:

It's my turn to see the doctor.

Anyway, my point is this: The doctor may be able to take your Kuato and your bursitis and  your imaginary cane and your freedom but as long as he gives you some rather strong pain pills then  I love you...and cake...and flying bunnies...and puppies...look! 
                                         ...the clouds are shaped like my toes...
                                                                          ...happy toes...
...like clouds....not clowns...

                                                                                ....I like wafffles....


Tanya Pshenychny March 30, 2012 at 12:10 AM  

I'm sorry about your foot, that looks really painful. Hope you feel better and are able to walk normally soon.

I like potatoes.

w March 30, 2012 at 1:21 AM  

i'm glad your foot is "pretty" now. i still don't like feet. it's not you. i mean. it's not just you. it's all feet.


Julie Hutchinson March 30, 2012 at 3:03 AM  

Ouch. Is this why you haven't been around? too far to walk to the computer.

Elizabeth @ abouthalfabubbleoff.blogspot.com,  March 30, 2012 at 9:26 AM  

Sorry about the pain and sorry you have to use sucky crunches (yes, I said "crunches" that's what my kidlet called them) but look what cool scars you have!!! You could make up a really cool story about how you got those super cool scars like....how you were in the life of Christ play and they accidentally really DID nail your feet to the cross...3 times! Or you could say you were playing ninja and you got sworded in the foot 3 times. Or you were in the Kill Bill movie and they forgot to use the prop knives and they used real ones and chopped your feet up. Run with it baby! Not literally but you get my drift. Scars are super cool.

karensomethingorother March 30, 2012 at 12:06 PM  

Oh my god. You are hilarious. KUATO! I can't wait for The Man to get home so I can tell him. Kuato. That killed me. I'm very interested in your bunion surgery though. What exactly do they do to fix that? Break and realign bones? Must google this. Even though your foot looked a teensy bit zombi-ish, it was better, don't you think???

Rebecca Grace March 30, 2012 at 1:24 PM  

Wow -- you've got FRANKENFOOTSIES!!!! The stitches are SO FUNNY, mostly because they are on YOUR foot, not mine. And I can say things like that because I'm not within crutch-smacking range.

Cheer up -- I think you'll be sporting pink glitter polish on your toenails and running around barefoot once this all heals.

Tom G. March 30, 2012 at 9:20 PM  

I kinda like the stitches. In fact, once they take them out I think you should go in for a tattoo of Frankenstitches on your foot. Just think of the fun you could have with that, chasing small children around at the beach in the summer.

D Kindhart March 31, 2012 at 6:50 AM  

BEST POST EVER! Thanks for letting us laugh at your misery. Get better soon.

D Kindhart March 31, 2012 at 6:52 AM  

BEST POST EVER! Thanks for letting us laugh at your misery. I hope you feel better soon!

D Kindhart March 31, 2012 at 6:52 AM  

BEST POST EVER! Thanks for letting us laugh at your misery. Get better soon.

dbs May 21, 2012 at 2:14 PM  

Sorry about your foot but "chicken pox torso" is a word combination I have never experienced. Thank you for that.

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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