How to Quit Your Job


How to Quit Your Job with Class, Elegance and Style

by Jessica Benassi
Professional Job Quitter
 

 1. Train your replacement


Me: Soooooo, welcome to the office...
New Girl: Yeah! I'm really excited to be here and I think-
Me: Man, it must suck so bad to be you right now.
New Girl: Huh?
Me: What?
New Girl: You just said -
Me: No, I didn't. Anyway, I keep the supersized bottle of aspirin over here, there's a switchblade in this drawer and oh! Don't worry, the non emergency police number is already programmed into the phone...you only want to call 911 if there's a gang fight or something, and it's been a while since we had one of those...
New Girl: Aren't we wedding planners?
Me: Right. You're probably also going to want to find someone who can get you valium...
 
(FACT: If you're unfortunate enough to find yourself in the middle of a gang fight, it
actually doesn't look like this. Not even the tiniest bit.)
 
 
 

2. Finish your final shift, and arrange to have a celebratory drink afterwards with some of the staff.

 
 
Me: See ya later, losers, I'm SO outta here! Oh, hey...come get a drink with me at Blue when you guys are done?
Co-worker: Sure, that sounds like-
Me: Whatever. SO outta here...
Co-worker: Ok, well-
Me: In your FACE.
Co-worker: Ok, Jessic-
Me: FACE!
Co-worker: Right, so we'll see you later, then.
Me: Maybe you'll see my FACE later.
Co-worker: -
Me: FACE.
Co-worker: *sigh*
Me: I'm out.
 

 

 3. Start having celebratory drinks before anyone else shows up. When they do show up, they will bring you a "Best Boss Ever" trophy that they welded into a unicorn because they know you love unicorns. Be so drunk you don't realize that it's a unicorn. Cry anyway, because it's the thought that counts and also, you're drunk.

 
 
 

 

4. Parade your "Best Boss Ever" trophy all over your bar.  Run into your lawyer and his wife. They compliment you on your trophy and it's unicorn-ness.  Realize that your trophy is a unicorn. Freak out.

 
Me: HOLY SH*TBALLS, YOU GUYS! THIS IS A MOTHER FREAKING UNICORN TROPHY!!!
Co-workers: Right.
Me: James! Did you see this thing? It's a Gawd D*** unicorn!
James: Right.
Me: A unicorn.  Holy sh*t.
 
 

 5. Have more celebratory drinks and re-tell the story of discovering your unicorn trophy to anyone who will listen.  Embellish. Get progressively more and more vulgar. Punch people in the arm for emphasis.

 
Me: And then I wush all: "Holy bacon wrapped mother of god, thish peesh of ballsh to the wall ish an a**holin' UNICORN!" You know what I mean?
Co-worker: Ouch.
Me: Ouch your faesh.
Co-worker: Quit punching me.
Me: I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!
 
 

 6. Go home and pass out. With class, elegance, and style.

 
 
 
And dignity.
 
 
 

2 comments:

w September 5, 2012 at 4:01 PM  

lol. idk what else to do but laugh. and commend you for asterisking the heck out of that post.

karensomethingorother September 12, 2012 at 8:21 AM  

hilarious! FACE! FACE! Were you a wedding planner?

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About This Blog

Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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